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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To finally fall out with my Dad?

64 replies

Cambridgebanana · 10/07/2018 10:56

Name changed, sorry this is going to be a long one!

For background, I have always got on with my Dad very well and found him really funny, we have more of a jokey friend relationship than a father daughter relationship. His sense of humour is a very acquired taste and he has offended many people with it over the years. My mum has always been the disciplinarian and supportive parent, (I am only realising now how difficult it must have been for my mum). My dad has always poked fun at my sister and I and it is always said that you need to have a very thick skin in our family. My sister is 5ft1 and her height has been a constant running joke. I hate to say that I have also joined in when my dad has been making jokes about it, I guess I didn't think being small was something a girl would actually be upset about. I am realising now that it doesn't matter that I wouldn't find something offensive, because someone else might take it differently. My mum has always been fixated on appearances and encouraged my sister and I to always wear makeup etc, she has always had a habit of looking you up and down very obviously and she values us looking good far more than our accomplishments and very much enjoys boasting at any opportunity. She is very critical of my sisters appearance and was the exact same with me when I was younger, however has backed off with me since I moved out and got married. So that is the family background.

I had a really bad mental health spell last year, effectively a mental breakdown, that came out of nowhere and was a big shock to my family and husband. I was prescribed anti depressants, however the ones I was given are known for having a significant impact on weight. I have always been very thin, quite unhealthily so, but it seemed that my mum was actually quite proud of this and would stealthily boast to people about how I just NEEDED to put weight on and it must be so difficult for me but then would also enjoy telling them that I could eat what ever I liked and not put any weight on and always brought conversations back round to my figure Hmm. I went from 8 stone to 10 and a half stone in about 3 months (I am 5 foot 7 so it was still not close to me being over weight) and my parents knew it was because of the pills. The pills made me feel a million times better and that trumped the weight gain for me and my husband was in total agreement (I actually don't think he noticed!). Anyway I was starting to feel like my old self again until my Dad phoned me whilst I was at work and told me that I really needed to lose weight. He said that mum had pressured him to call me about it. I was embarrassed and paranoid, so stopped taking the pills and I ended up gradually losing the weight however have remained at about nine and a half stone for the last year. Which is obviously still slim, but not as waif like and unhealthy looking as before. For clarification, this had not been a call because they were worried about my health, although my mum later said it was, it was because of my appearance. I know my parents well enough to know that. I avoided seeing my family for about 4 months after my dad phoned me as I couldn't face the comments or judgemental looks. I was honest with my mum and told her that the reason I was avoiding them was because of how the comments had made me feel. She has obviously realised that she was going to push me away completely if this continued so there have been no more judgemental looks from her or encouragements to my dad to speak to me. However, my dad has continued to make jokes about my weight consistently. When I first saw them again after the 4 months of avoidance he would point at very overweight people in the street and say they looked like me, 'as a laugh'. He has an incredibly dry and blunt sense of humour. My mum has obviously warned him to stop doing this however he can't seem to help himself and the new one for the last couple of months is to talk about how 'big boned' I am. For the record, I am not remotely big boned. He is just trying to avoid actually calling me fat in case my mum gets annoyed at him. My husband and I were away at the weekend with my family including my aunt, uncle and cousin and we were all sitting round the dinner table. Myself, my husband, sister and Dad had all been out cycling earlier that day and I had been more tired than the rest of them (they are all incredibly sporty and fit, I have dabbled in exercise in the past but am just not naturally as into it as them) and I said how I would like to start going to the gym again to improve my fitness. My dad started on again about how big boned I was and held his arms out from his side obviously imitating how wide I was. The table went silent. He has always gotten away with these comments as he is funny with it and nobody wants to be the sensitive one who makes a fuss. I didn't say anything but sat there in silence. My husband later said to me that he didn't know how my dad got away with the things he said, I would have fallen out with him if he made those comments to me, but he wouldn't say these things in the first place! My mum obviously saw that I looked upset and was glaring at my Dad. She phoned me later that night to say that she had fallen out with him over it. I told her that I have now had enough of it and that if my husband and I ever have children I would feel very uncomfortable with them growing up around my dad as I didn't want them to be made to feel the way I am. I feel the same way about my mum but didn't say that. My dad phoned me at work today and it was obvious it was to see if I was annoyed after the bollocking he got from my mum. I was quiet but did not bring it up. My sister and I have always just laughed off his comments and worry that we would be the 'sensitive one' if we were to make a fuss. It is more of a WWYD than an AIBU as I am finally at the end of my tether with this constant focus on appearance. Maybe it is being married now and considering our own family, I would hate to make my children feel the way I am made to feel. My Cousin actually no longer speaks to my Aunt (my Mums Sister) as she said that my Aunt used to go on constantly about her weight and appearance and it affected her confidence hugely. Clearly this obsession with appearance is deep rooted in my mums family and my dad, who's sense of humour has always been very harsh and focusing on a persons weakness, has latched onto it. Some advice about how to deal with this would be hugely appreciated as I am not sure if I am over reacting to this latest incident because of the years of comments, or if this is the final straw.

OP posts:
NameChangeUni · 10/07/2018 12:16

It sounds like a toxic family dynamic. YANBU to distance yourself for the sake of your own mental health - there comes a point where you have to be ‘selfish’ and protect yourself first. You dad is however old and has spent the majority of his life being a prick like this - he will never change as he was never challenged on his behaviour. There will definitely be another occasion where he offends you! Your mother also sounds toxic - I’m sure she wouldn’t be impressed if you told her how old she looks these days etc yet she feels comfortable evaluating your appearance!

Battleax · 10/07/2018 12:19

You’ve posted about your mum and sister before (?)

It’s all a bit fucked up isn’t it? Take a huge stride back from them and give yourself thinking time.

Cambridgebanana · 10/07/2018 12:28

Thanks again everyone. fieryginger about five years ago, just after I met my husband, my parents had a spell of going on and on about how much of a difficult teenager I had been and constantly bringing up mistakes I had made in the very distant past, again 'for a laugh'. Just basically putting me down all the time. There were a few specific examples they latched on to and did not stop talking about. By the end of the first meeting with my then boyfriend, my husband knew about how horrible a person I had been whilst about 13-16 and every bad decision I had ever made Hmm He was very taken aback. It was meeting my husband and seeing how shocked he was at their behavious and realising I wasn't an awful person that made me realise what they were doing was wrong. Straight after this initial meeting I was on holiday with my family and my dad was going on and on about how much of a difficult teenager I had been etc, my mum was agreeing, and I had tried the eye rolling and 'ah okay, here we go again, YAWN' approach but it did not work. So they were having their usual nightly laugh while my dad replayed the stories about me for the 100th time and I exploded, told them they were bullies and that I was leaving the holiday early. I actually followed through and left. They did stop this behaviour for a while however I knew that my dad just thought I was being over sensitive. Now, considering I was 16 almost 13 years ago, the comments have dwindled but still do resurface occasionally, which I can deal with, although my dad brought them up during his speech at his wedding and on reflection I realised that his entire speech was taking the piss out of me and critical of me, he did not actually say one nice thing about me Sad. I have anxiety and low confidence and I am starting to realise where this has come from.

OP posts:
Cambridgebanana · 10/07/2018 12:31

Sorry I meant at my wedding

OP posts:
Cambridgebanana · 10/07/2018 12:37

Also just to clarify, the 'incidents' they went on about from my youth were very trivial, I wanted to stay on to sixth year at school because all my friends were, even though I had the grades to get into university and they did not want me to. It was a fee paying school so I can see their point, however from my then 16 year old point I would have been the only one in my whole school to leave after fifth year and was really nervous about that. I ended up staying for sixth year. My husband has nicknamed it ' THE infamous sixth year', because he has heard about it so many times.

OP posts:
Cambridgebanana · 10/07/2018 12:41

Also I do realise now that I should have left after fifth year and that it was brattish to get upset at the thought of leaving early, but I was only a kid and have matured a huge amount since, and good lord if I had known the incident would be replayed to every single person my family knew and I would hear about it daily thirteen years later, I would have begged to leave! It actually started to make family friends uncomfortable, 8 years after the damn sixth year, as nobody understood why they still talked about it all the time.

OP posts:
MiniMimi00 · 10/07/2018 12:44

Your dad is a bullying, abusive cunt
Nailed it. Oh, and your mother has enabled him to behave like this.She is to blame too.

If you try to FIGHT BACK, your dad will see it as piss-taking "banter" and continue.
If you ignore it & stay silent, he will increase the abuse to goad you into replying, and continue.

I believe the best response is to wait for the first insult - then get up and walk out.
Walk away. Leave him to it.
No reply. Above all, NO EXPLANATION.

As already mentioned, do you want your parents to continue this cycle of verbal abuse, bullying and belittling to continue when you have children?
What would you do if they hurt your children in this way?

Minisoksmakehardwork · 10/07/2018 12:45

Your parents are dicks. Your dad for being a bully and your mum for not standing up for you and your sister.

The best thing I've done recently is go nc with my family so my children aren't exposed to their awful views and I no longer have to put up with it either. It is bliss.

TheGoddessFrigg · 10/07/2018 12:48

This is so sad. You actually stopped taking tablets for your mental health because of your dad's bullying.

My family had totally the same dynamic. the only thing that worked was just walking away when it started. get into an argument and it will be all 'You're just being touchy/ what's wrong with you/ where's your sense of humour?'.

Lotsofdigestives · 10/07/2018 12:51

The thing is, you’ll still know what your dad thinks of you, that he sees you as ‘fat’, Regardless of the fact you’re not. I have this with my father. He’s v rude about my brother and girlfriend who are overweight at the moment. He was talking about it (again) infront of my daughter and I told him off. It’s like he can’t help but pass comment. Women with tattoos are ‘disgusting’. I ‘dressed like a prostitute’ as a teenager, my legs ‘were too pale to be bare’ and on and on. It’s only now I realise how fucking toxic it was.

Cambridgebanana · 10/07/2018 12:55

Thank you everyone for the great advice, the general consensus is to not engage at all and to just walk out if it starts. Although I think I will also speak to my dad calmly and tell him how much it upsets me, so if it does continue I don't think I will be doing the walking out for long, I think it will be a case of cutting contact. Any advice on what to say to him? Lotsofdigestives that sounds awful, now you have realised have you challenged him on this?

OP posts:
Cheerbear23 · 10/07/2018 12:57

Sorry but your father sounds like a massive twat. At least your mother has made an attempt at modifying her behaviour.
Don’t worry about being the sensitive one, next time he ventures down that path say ‘dad that’s not funny, it’s really offensive’. If he doesn’t stop I would consider going NC. It’s actuslly shocking they would prefer you potentially unwell and off meds to carrying a bit more weight (not overweight!)
Their attitudes would be very damaging to future children, what if they don’t meet their ridiculous physical standards in terms of looks and health? Sly comments, ‘fat’ jokes, digs about height ?

Lotsofdigestives · 10/07/2018 13:00

Yes, I have challenged him. When he says these things I point them out and he looks chastised (no apology), but it won’t stop him long term. I don’t think he thinks it’s a problem. I don’t see him that much anymore since he left my mother (best thing that could’ve happened to her), but maintain something of a relationship for my children. We were very close when I was a child, so it’s sad that I now find him petty and annoying. I keep the relationship on my terms now.

vampirethriller · 10/07/2018 13:01

That's not dry or blunt. That's cruel. He's bullying his own child.

SeaViewBliss · 10/07/2018 13:01

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My entire extended family can be a bit like this only not so much focused on looks but, oh, remember that stupid thing you did eleventy billlion years ago??!!

I find the best technique is to jus t not respond although I appreciate that is much harder with a closer relative.

My Mum used to be like it and, surprisingly, since I had DCs and I act very diffrerently with them than she did with me, she has mellowed and is a much nicer person.

With the beneft of age and a (tiny) bit of wisdom, I can see that it all comes from my Mum growing up in a family of all girls and them all being pitted against each other by my Grandparents. Classic bullying, make someone else feel bad to take the focus off of your insecurities.

Its really sad and I hope you can find a way to make them understand how cruel and damaging it has been and still is Flowers

Cambridgebanana · 10/07/2018 13:03

Cheerbear23 As we are thinking about having children, this has definitely been a concern. My mum has serious anger issues (she has finally stopped the screaming and insults towards me but it went on for years and still happens to my little sister as she still lives in the house, although I back her up as much as I can) so the contact with grandchildren has already been a cause for concern. The thing is, my mum is hugely caring in many ways and would do anything for us. She just gets very emotional and lashes out. My dad is actually a good person underneath it all too, so they both have very redeeming qualities and have worked hard to give my sister the best possible life they can.

OP posts:
Cambridgebanana · 10/07/2018 13:05

*my sister and I

OP posts:
Cheerbear23 · 10/07/2018 13:09

I think you’ve had a name fail earlier? Your last post makes it sound even worse, anger issues, screaming plus insults flying around is a terrible combination for young children.
I would seriously consider if I wanted to stay in contact if I was you, sorry I know that’s not the response your were probably hoping for.

Cheerbear23 · 10/07/2018 13:09

Oh sorry ignore the name fail comment - my mistake!

Graphista · 10/07/2018 13:16

They're not jokes they're put downs! Your parents sound horrific! I'm not at all surprised you had a breakdown. Is it just you and your sister? Are you the gc recruited to make fun of the scapegoat?

"And nobody wants to be the sensitive one who makes a fuss"

Correction

Nobody wants to be the next target!

"but he has such a thick skin that it just bounces off" bull! It might appear that way but actually it fuels his bitterness which comes out as this nasty 'humour'.

How you look is actually irrelevant - no parent should EVER behave like this to their children.

I'd tell them straight - both of them - no more nasty jibes and bitchy comments or you won't be seeing them and that includes if/when you have children.

I'd actually be strongly recommending to them both to get therapy to explore why they do this and learn how to stop doing it. They are FUCKED UP!

It IS bullying, what SHOULD have happened when your father called after your mother pulled him up, is he should have apologised sincerely and resolved not to do it again.

If you see them again every time he makes his 'jokes' I'd be saying "not funny, cruel & bullying, why do you feel so insecure you need to put down your own daughter? Stop it, apologise, or I'm leaving" even in public.

Every single time!

And if he doesn't apologise or worse says something else, leave - and don't answer his calls until you're ready to deal with the dick!

If he pulls the "sensitive" shit - "no, I'm a normal human being with feelings which YOU have hurt."

How does your sister deal with him/them now?

My dad did something similar, recruited me and my siblings to undermine my mum under the guise of humour. As we got older (and the comments got worse) we realised, stopped and started calling him on it. He wouldn't dare do this in front of any of us now, but I'm fairly sure he still does it with mum privately. They've been together almost 50 years and she's stayed despite horrific abuse so I've had to accept that's her choice. It's pointless discussing it with her, though she knows she'd have all our support if she left.

It's a very nasty, cruel and cowardly way of bullying - ensuring you have a defence of "I was only joking". Bollocks is it! And bollocks do they like it if you do it back - dads mind is going a bit now and he lets slip things sometimes, including when we retaliated DECADES ago and made comments about him and how it hurt him, yet he still won't see how bad he was/is. I'm v low contact with him, this is one reason. My dd can't stand him!

Cambridgebanana · 10/07/2018 13:18

Cheerbear23 I know, you are right, this is the first time I have ever spoken about these issues with anyone apart from my husband and I guess I'm not surprised by the reactions. It is difficult because although my mum and I used to argue horribly and she would scream and say the most awful things, this hasn't happened in the last 8 years or so and we actually get on well, so I think to myself okay maybe it was me who was difficult growing up etc (I did have a bad temper too and reacted when she would start on me) and that maybe she has mellowed, however my sister is the most laid back and chilled kid who never shouts back or really does anything wrong, and she still gets the exact same treatment I got at that age. It must be very difficult for my sister to see my mum being so lovely to me and so patient, and then exploding at my sister for the tiniest thing and saying pretty awful things to her. I just keep telling my sister that I had the exact same at her age but it will change when she moves out.

OP posts:
Graphista · 10/07/2018 13:22

Can you support your sister in moving out? I posted before I read about the screaming and shouting. That is very clearly verbally/emotionally abusive.

SittingAround1 · 10/07/2018 13:23

I think if you do ever have children you will have a shock upon realising just how harshly your parents have treated you.

Your father doesn't have a sense of humour, he is a bully.
I'd go very low contact and make it clear why.

Any future grandchildren should only have supervised visits with them.

Rednaxela · 10/07/2018 13:24

What to say to him?

Whatever the fuck you want. You are FINISHED bowing down to ANYONE.

If he was anyone else, not related, would you let him treat you like this? Of course not.

All those exceptions and excuses and justifications, unpick them one by one and throw them in the bin.

Sounds like the best way to deal with him is a short sharp shock, every single time he crosses the line. Do not let a single word go by. Think the verbal equivalent of a rolled up newspaper to the nose. Short sharp shock.

You sound lovely OP and worth much more than your crap parents would have you believe.

StormTreader · 10/07/2018 13:28

"My dad is actually a good person underneath it all"

Almost no-one is 100% evil. The fact that they have some good qualities has NO BEARING AT ALL on the fact they are both insulting, nasty bullies. Do you really think they have nothing in their past that their own parents couldn't point to and say "hahahaha you were so STUPID"? Everyone makes mistakes, it's impossible not to. Most people don't get punished for them over and over again because most parents don't want to crush their own children into misery.