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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he just using me for sex?

27 replies

Iona1 · 10/07/2018 07:00

Okay long story short been seeing a guy for over a year now at the start we went away on weekend which I always arranged , we split the cost we had anice time , I am bit old fashioned and hoped the relationship we lead to more of the same doing things together at weekend. Now we only see each other every 2 weeksor maybe longer as he is busy with work and hobbies like hillwalking something I am not into . He is a nice guy but always been single I have been a single parent and always worked , I just hoe at this stage in my life it would be nice to have a companion as my kids have flown the nest . He says he would never live with someone ,I was upset at first then accepted it , but now dont feel we are a couple anymore . Do I tell him this or just stop seeing him , he always comes to mine as I have the bigger cleaner home .

OP posts:
Equalityumber · 10/07/2018 07:02

If you have to ask then he probably is I’m afraid.

Time to bin this ‘relationship’ and focus on finding someone who wants to spend time with you.

MeanTangerine · 10/07/2018 07:04

I can't tell you what is going on in his head.

You're obviously not happy though. He isn't giving you what you want, and he isn't going to - he's said as much. If you stick with him, you'll either stay unhappy or get used to it. If you split, you might meet someone (much) better.

Original poster
Iona1 · 10/07/2018 07:05

No its okay I want clarification as at my time of life I feel a twit! thanks , even my daughter has told me to bin him, I should have listened to here maybe just didnt want to admit it to myself .

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Original poster
Iona1 · 10/07/2018 07:06

Your right I am not happy and as you say it could become a habit ho hum .................

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coffeekittens · 10/07/2018 07:10

It sounds like you both want different things, you’ve got a chance to meet someone else you’re more compatible with if you end what you have with him, I’d take that chance and move on.

Original poster
Iona1 · 10/07/2018 07:16

Coffeekittens , you hit the proverbial nail on the head, we do want different things , maybe it has gone on too long and I am finding it difficult to let go , silly I know but how quickly things can become a habit

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LaGattaNera · 10/07/2018 07:22

Sorry OP but what are you getting out of this? You have to let go of the old to let the new in to your life - what you want is important and you will not find it with him - why waste time being unhappy? Sounds like it is all on his terms Flowers

Original poster
Iona1 · 10/07/2018 07:24

LagattaNera, you have made me realise it is ALL on his terms , and it sounds very selfish thing to do to another perrson , so why am I putting up with it ??? Lightbulb moment here ! thankyou x

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MrBig1 · 10/07/2018 07:25

He doesnt want what you want.

LaGattaNera · 10/07/2018 07:27

Good luck OP x stay strong

MsVestibule · 10/07/2018 07:30

I used to be absolutely terrible at finishing relationships even when they were well past their use by date but when I did manage to screw up the courage to do it, the feeling of relief was incredible!

You know it's not right - this relationship is all on his terms (he can't even be bothered to clean his house so you can go round there sometimes?) and you don't seem to get much out of it at all.

Get rid and move on!!

Original poster
Iona1 · 10/07/2018 07:31

Thanks La GattaNera appreciate your taking the time to support x

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 10/07/2018 07:32

bin him. you want someone to potentially share your life with. he wants a convenient bunk up. dont sell yourself short

Original poster
Iona1 · 10/07/2018 07:33

Ms Vestibule ,your right I seem to have difficulty in finishing it with him, tried before then I caved in thinking I could accept things on his terms , yep time to bin him thanks for sage advice .

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Original poster
Iona1 · 10/07/2018 07:34

AJPTaylor , aaw thanks yes guess I was just an easy solution to his needs

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Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 10/07/2018 07:38

You deserve better than a man only offering breadcrumbs. You want a long term relationship and companion and he's not offering that. He's having sex with you without any of the commitment, and only seeing you every two weeks. That could go on for years if you let it which is stopping you from finding someone who can offer you what you want.

randomchap · 10/07/2018 07:39

Have you spoken to him about how you want the relationship to develop? You said that he doesn't want to live with anyone, but is he willing to put any more effort into the relationship? It is currently all on his terms, but he might think you're happy with that. If you like the guy and want a relationship with him, you need to explain why you're unhappy and if he's unwilling to change, then you should move on to someone who wants the same as you.

Original poster
Iona1 · 10/07/2018 07:44

randomchap - In answer to your question , oh yea we have had the chat about expectations and we split for awhile because of it as he told me did not wan the same as me , and I could not accept it , however have given it another go but realise it is not working , and yes i did like him alot and thought we may have a future together .

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QueenoftheNights · 10/07/2018 07:51

How did you meet? Online?

It doesn't sound as if you even enjoy the same things (you don't like walking...he does.)

For many middle aged couples, what you have bu would be enough- FWB.

Lots of older people don't want a real relationship again. (Has he ever had a live-in relationship?)

But if you are looking for more and he isn't...either accept what you have and don't make it exclusive- see other people- or end it.

Ellie56 · 10/07/2018 07:54

This doesn't sound like a relationship at all to me, just a shag when it's convenient for him to fit you in around his work and hobbies. Hmm

You deserve better OP. Bin him and find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

Original poster
Iona1 · 10/07/2018 07:56

Ellie , your right not a relationship now thanks

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SaucyJack · 10/07/2018 08:05

You both want different things from your relationship.

It's OK to dump him because he isn't making you happy. Don't make the mistake many women do of thinking you need a "better" or more concrete reason to end it.

Your needs are as important as anyone else's. Put yourself first.

Original poster
Iona1 · 10/07/2018 08:12

SaucyJack , thanks yes hard sometimes to think of ones own needs when your so busy caring for everyone else in life .

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QueenoftheNights · 10/07/2018 08:15

without knowing how you both met, it's important that you are clear in your own mind what you want in the future.

Are you doing online dating? If so, you need to be upfront in your profile so you avoid time wasters.

If you meet someone through mutual interests, you'd have some friendship base to start with, before it became sexual.

If you are looking for another permanent relationship you have to make this clear more or less at the start because lots of older people- men and women- aren't.

Original poster
Iona1 · 10/07/2018 08:18

Queen , yes I see your point when we met he said he wanted the same as me ...................not the case now , dont know about anymore relationships in my life think i will be having a break but thanks .

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