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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really upset and hurt by dp's comments

62 replies

namechangerasscared · 27/05/2007 16:50

Ok I am a regular m'ner but have changed my name as am really ashamed by my situation. My dp keeps going on about my weight (i am about 2 stone overweight) and when i eat things he says things like "are you sure you need that" I find it really hurtful, now he has suggested i join a gym, but we have 5 children and really dont think i could find the time energy or even inclination to start going to the gym? AIBU or selfish. another thing is he complains about ahem down there and keeps not so subtly suggesting i do some more pelvic floor exercises so that "he can feel something down there" I feel really upset and hurt and also a little ashamed

OP posts:
rantinghousewife · 27/05/2007 17:29

I'm sorry but, it's his choice to take your dc on. You don't 'owe' him anything. Has he told you you do. My dh took on my ds and has NEVER in 8 years intimated that he had to 'take him on'. He treats him the same way he treats our dd.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 27/05/2007 17:32

namechanged, that's what he's counting on - that you're going to feel so beholden to him that any shit he throws at you, you feel you have to take.

But you're not beholden to him, he owes you as much as you owe him. An equal loving, nurturing, supportive partnership can never be based on one of the parties feeling they're "owed" or that they "owe" the other party.

If that's a large part of your relationship's dynamic, then you are always going to be at a huge disadvantage and he's always going to be this abusive. Sorry. You need to change the dynamic.

RosaLuxembourg · 27/05/2007 17:32

He sounds like a pig. I really want to slap him for you but I suppose that wouldn't be very helpful.
My weight has yoyoed a lot over the past 10 years and three children but DH has never said a word about it and claims to fancy me as much as a size 16 as a size 10. I have real problems with binging and although I know exactly how to lose weight - most women do - I can't always manage to do it to order. I know for sure that 'helpful' comments like your DHs (my mum specialises in them) do the very opposite of what they are intended to achieve, they just make me more self-conscious, angry and miserable, and therefore even more likely to overeat.
If you don't think you would enjoy going to a gym don't join one - but if you think exercise would help you feel better about yourself you could just go out walking every day and get a bit of time to yourself.
Don't feel ashamed whatever you do, he is an arse and he is the one who ought to be ashamed of himself.

gigglinggoblin · 27/05/2007 17:40

2 of my 4 kids are not biologically dhs. i take it as a sign that i am so wonderful and he wants me so much that he was happy to take them on too. not that i owe him and should be grateful. we also moved into his house. ditto i am so wonderful etc.

i would suggest he gets a penis enlarger if he cant feel anything down there. however without telling him i would also start doing pelvic floor exercises for your own benefit. i have had 4 kids and i dont wee when i laugh, but i am a bit obsessive about them!

re the gym - thats up to you. i am 2.5 stone overweight but my kids are small and i dont have time (or the inclination) to do anything atm. in a bit i might, but ony when i feel like it, never because someone else has said i should.

tell him if he wants the house perfect he can do it himself while you go to the pub or put your feet up, cheeky git

Judy1234 · 27/05/2007 18:16

No one should ask their other half to slim if they are overweight. Say you'll ose pound for pound what he does and that next Sunday you'll get on the scales for a naked weigh in.

Secondly I agree, there's no harm in pleasing each other as long as he's also being good to you.

Thirdly I've had 5 and am lucky enough not to have any urine leakage or problems down there. I think you should see your GP about that side of things.

Gym might be too hard to organise with 5 children but banning all unhealthy foods from the house and serving all of you small portion healthy meals might be good and that includes him too of course.

LittleWonder · 27/05/2007 18:26

Pilates will help you with your pelvic floor and is such gentle exercise that you can do it with no energy. this is something you can do for yourself. When men get fat their penises shrink . tell him.

lilybubble · 27/05/2007 18:30

Great advice, Xenia. I agree completely.

lyrabelacqua · 27/05/2007 18:30

You don't 'owe' him anything - it was his choice to enter into the relationship, no-one forced him.
He sounds like a complete arse tbh and there's no way i would put up with that from my DP.
Lose weight as and when you want to and have the time. And don't let him get away with the attitude of he's doing the washing up 'for you'. he uses dishes too, doesn't he?

kittyhas6 · 27/05/2007 18:37

Soory, what aninsensitive and unpleasant man he sounds. i've nothing to say that is different really, but pf exercises will most certainly help you to regain both tone and feeling.

SpringBunny · 27/05/2007 19:33

To give him the benefit of the doubt I think in his own hamfisted way he may be trying to help.

My dh knows I believe that I am a stone overweight and makes some similar comments to 'help' me get the motivation to lose it.

Try telling him that it upsets you and tell him what he CAN do to help, along the lines others have suggested. I like Xenia's idea of losing weight together - maybe he needs motivation too

Judy1234 · 27/05/2007 19:55

And tell him that you feel completely squashed during sex because of his weight and that he'll die of a heart attack and get diabetes unless he takes it in hand and he can start with an early morning jog and by the way you've thrown out all his favourite unhealthy foods.,,

Although actually men trying to communicate isn't a bad thing; he might just not be very good at it. Better he mentions it than says nothing about something that's troubling him. How many stones has he got to lose?

madamez · 27/05/2007 20:05

Or possibly he's an insecure buckethead and a total loser who wants to keep you feeling grateful and demoralised so you stay in his house and service him domestically and sexually.

yogimum · 27/05/2007 20:54

Start by serving up him up a salad everynight. Leave him with the children while you go to the gym/weightwatchers etc. Have your hair done, new clothes makeup anything that boosts your self esteem.Tell him its all for him and you took on board his remarks. You will look and feel great, then you will look at him and realise that you don't fancy him and hopefully run off with new younger, slimmer model! You are worth more and don't forget it!

agnesnitt · 27/05/2007 23:40

I haven't read every response on here, but to the original poster:

If he 'wants to feel something down there' he should try getting a bigger bloomin' cock

Also, he sounds like a git, give him a piece of your mind, or if not, a piece of the collective mumsnet mind. He might survive, you never know

Agnes

Judy1234 · 28/05/2007 08:57

..people have vaginal surgery for their men.... Also some non-virgins, hundreds of them in Paris, Muslims, seek operations to revirginise themselves.

So I suppose the intersting point is where you draw your own line at pleasing a man and people draw it at all sorts of different places.

yogimum · 28/05/2007 09:19

I know its not unheared of but its a bit extreme, there's no way I'd have my fanny operated on to please a man (not even for George Clooney)

Judy1234 · 28/05/2007 09:29

Many a doctor has done an extra stitch after an episiotomy for the benefit of the husband apparently....

It's a bit like foot binding in China and women who have silicone put into their chests to make them more attractive to men. Women have always cut themselves open and damaged themselves to get men because we don't yet live in an equal society in terms of earnings and life although that will come. I'm not sure it's getting any better though. I suspect there are more cosmetic surgery ads in women's magazines in 2007 than there were in 1970 when people were campaiging for the Equal Pay Act.

LoveAngel · 28/05/2007 09:55

FFS I cannot understand how some men even find partners. What a disgusting attitude. I'm hoping he is musclebound with a 10 inch cock?

Grrr...

MissGolightly · 28/05/2007 10:07

Sounds like borderline emotional abuse to me.

The weight thing I can kind of understand - I don't excuse his behaviour but he may think he is being supportive in "motivating" you. My DP occasionally says similar things (though he knows I want to lose weight). However there is no excuse for the sex comments.

As others have suggested I would take his comments as an opportunity to take time for yourself. Make him look after the kids every Saturday afternoon while you go to the gym or get a haircut. Try postnatal yoga as they often have a section on pelvic floor exercises. But do these things for YOU, not for him.

LoveAngel · 28/05/2007 10:21

Are you really going to do pelvic floor exercises 'on demand' though? This is definitely emotional abuse, and you having a tighter fanny isn't going to help matters. He will find something else to complain about, especially as you age - saggy tits, grey pubes, crow's feet etc - they're part of life. What will he do then? Sorry if I come across as crude but I feel its best to be blunt in these situations. Your DH sounds mean.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 28/05/2007 10:28

Agree with LA, abusive men will always find something to be abusive about.

They are never so horrified as when their partners lose loads of weight, get a makeover and turn up to a night out looking fabulous. It makes them feel uneasy and insecure. Because only insecure people feel the need to put down the people they live with and claim to love. I'm sorry, I don't buy this "maybe he's being cackhanded but well-meaning" stuff. He claims to love this woman. How loving are these comments, how supportive are they? They are abusive, not motivating. If he doesn't realise that, he needs a quick course to make him.

Janos · 28/05/2007 10:48

namechange

I do think your DP is being insensitive and rude at very best.

Just a couple of questions (which you don't need to answer but may help you to think about things)

Do you look very different now to when you met your DP? I am betting that really you don't as his negative comments are having a bad effect on you.

Secondly, imagine a good friend came to you and said exactly what you've put in your OP. What would your reaction be? Bet you'd be thinking 'rude, selfish, lazy bastard!Why doesn't he get up off his fat arse and help!'

In short you are def NOT being unreasonable!

Janos · 28/05/2007 10:52

"They are never so horrified as when their partners lose loads of weight, get a makeover and turn up to a night out looking fabulous"

Well said. This is EXACTLY what my XP was like.

That's right I said my XP.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/05/2007 10:57

You dont "owe" this man A N Y T H I N G.

Agree with GSS post of 10.28 very muchley...

You dont need a tighter fanjo, you need a man with a bigger dick.

And a pair of balls......

mozhe · 29/05/2007 00:20

Would you like to lose weight for yourself ? If yes then go see your GP and ask for her, ( yes make sure it is a her, you will feel much more relaxed ), help...there's lots you can do without joining a gym.At the same time you can discuss the stress incontinence,( you don't need to accept that even after 5...I haven't !), and she will be able to help you with it.
Perhaps you also need to think about your relationship / What it means to you and what role you play in it....You can go to ' Relate ' on your own...or your GP practice might be able to provide time limited counselling.
You have every right to be upset and hurt...but no need to be ashamed.
Good Luck !