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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Planning with family

38 replies

fedupwithMIL · 09/07/2018 15:43

I'm new to this so bear with me,

I have been with my DP for a year and a half. We got engaged after 13 months.

My Dad and step mum are extremely excited as they love my DP and have welcomed him into the family and has offered to pay £19,000 for the venue that we will be having the reception (that's how I know they like him!)
My mum and boyfriend were more hesitant, even to the point of asking my partner to postpone the proposal as he had asked for both my dads and mums blessing as they aren't together. but since engaged my mum has been nothing but excited and is booking in appointments for dress shopping (even though the date has been booked 2 years away!)

but im struggling with my DP's parents. They were lovely to me before we moved out, I was at their house a lot and we got on well. We moved out to our own place and they helped a lot with things like putting the curtain rails up and fitting new lights which has been a god send! but as soon as we announced we were engaged I have felt really cold feelings from them, i.e on the facetime call when we let them know they literally spoke for 30 seconds saying congratulations and then changed the subject. didn't even ask how he did it.
We then booked the venue (which my dad had put the deposit down on) and they came to have lunch with us there and his mum had a face like she was eating lemons and his dad didn't say much other than there were too many weeds (it was out of season when they saw it)
I don't understand what I've done wrong. AIBU to expect more excitement from them?

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 09/07/2018 15:48

That's very odd behaviour, your fiance should ask them what's wrong.

KC225 · 09/07/2018 15:58

Could they feel a little left out. Were they hoping to be in on the discussion of where and when and finances. Do they feel it's moving too fast?

I am not great on screens, hate Facetime and Skype etc., so I wouldn't judge someone feeling awkward and cutting it short.

Maybe your Fiancé can ask them if they are okay as they have seemed a little distant of late. Its less confrontational and leaves a margin for other times they may be worried about.

Good luck.

SilverySurfer · 09/07/2018 16:17

I can't get past the venue costing £19,000. Shock I don't know if you're buying your house but I would put that amount towards the deposit or pay off a lump of mortgage. You can still get married, go to the registry office with two witnesses and have a party in a hall.

dontcallmelen · 09/07/2018 16:20

Maybe they feel a little but left out of the excitement, or maybe they would have liked the opportunity to contribute as well, agree with pp get dp to ask if everything is ok, are they concerned about anything.
Congratulations & enjoy the planning.

LostInShoebiz · 09/07/2018 16:22

That’s very nice that you would do that Silvery but not everyone wants to or is able to and it’s not very helpful advice in terms of the odd turn the in-law relationship has taken.

LostInShoebiz · 09/07/2018 16:23

Are MIL and FIL trying to play things really low-key to avoid being the classic interfering in-laws we hear about on here daily? Seems strange they’d be relaxed and helpful about moving in but off about a wedding.

Rogersnextdoublespartner · 09/07/2018 16:27

Do they know about the £19000? Maybe they're worried about not being able to help financially?

Gazelda · 09/07/2018 16:27

Maybe they're overwhelmed at your DF's generosity and worrying that your hoping/expecting a contribution from them?
Maybe they're used to more low-key weddings and feel a little out of their depth at the scale of your event?
Or are waiting for you/DP to ask them to be involved in the planning - they want to avoid being pushy PILs?
Maybe they feel you've rushed to get engaged?
I think your DP should try to subtly find out if they're happy with the plans so far.

Echobelly · 09/07/2018 16:28

Yes, if you've got on I wonder if they are trying not to be interfering and in your face, seeing as you've always got on? I wouldn't mention anything to them and would just draw them in gently. I agree, if anything, to get DP to talk to them if he finds a good time to, and find out if anything's worrying them,

I love my mum to bits and we get on brilliantly, but she wasn't very 'Wooo' about the whole wedding organising, mostly, I think as she didn't want to 'get in our way', as she did say she felt her own wedding was organised without her input.

MizCracker · 09/07/2018 16:30

You can still get married, go to the registry office with two witnesses and have a party in a hall.

LOL!

That’s you told, OP. No one should ever go anything more elaborate than a ceremony with two guests and a no frills “hall”.

Grin
GreenEyedBlonde · 09/07/2018 16:46

I agree with others, it sounds like you come from a pretty wealthy family. £19k is a HUGE amount to contribute to a wedding (I'm not knocking it, if it's what you and your family want then it's up to you and your Dad) but perhaps they find it all a bit intimidating and out of their league? Feeling like the poor relation isn't a nice place to be in.

If it is all down to that perhaps you could reassure them? X

GreenEyedBlonde · 09/07/2018 16:48

Plus also - some of us just really hate big events! Perhaps they're not the most sociable people? X

Confusedbeetle · 09/07/2018 16:50

Dont expect everyone to be as excited as you

user1493413286 · 09/07/2018 16:59

I’m prepared to be blasted for this and I will say that this isn’t my opinion as I know people who have got engaged after 3 months and stayed together and people who have got engaged after 5 years and split not long after so it’s not about length of time to me....but is it possible that they’re a little worried that you haven’t been together longer? Maybe they have set views about how long people should be together

runninggnomeintothedesertfree · 09/07/2018 17:03

YANBU something's up and you should definitely discuss in detail with DP and keep us updated!

sirlee66 · 09/07/2018 17:06

Yes, agree with the PP that they may think a year and a half isn't long enough to know someone well enough to get married.

Just like PP said, I know couples that got engaged after a couple of months and are still going strong and others that married after 20 odd years and are now divorced.

Don't let them get you down, OP. Happy planning!!

reddressblueshoes · 09/07/2018 17:16

I'd be v concerned about my child getting married to someone they've known such a short time. How old are you both? Is it possible they like you but are worried you're moving too quickly with marriage etc?

Also agree that if they know how much your family are contributing that may concern them for many reasons.

SilverySurfer · 09/07/2018 17:16

I an suitably chastened and you're right, not everyone wants a quick trip to the register office. Sorry, just was shocked by the 19k for half a day's use of a venue.

I agree that perhaps the PiLs may feel a bit uncomfortable if they are not able to match that sort of figure.

I also agree that they may have some concerns about how long you have been together. I know it doesn't mean anything, I know a couple who moved in together three days after their first meeting, married three months later and just celebrated their 23rd wedding anniversary but that doesn't change the fact that could be the reason why they are behaving differently.

Original poster
fedupwithMIL · 09/07/2018 17:20

Silverysurfer - around where I live, that's the norm for venues to charge for 100 guests (we have big families - that 100 is none of our friends) plus we wanted exclusivity as the venue is known for afternoon tea on the green and I didn't want just anybody being able to walk in as its a summer wedding.
We already own our own home with a relatively small mortgage for our age so we wouldn't feel that money is needed for this, also I would never ask my parents to contribute to my living situation but they want to contribute to the wedding and celebrate my DP becoming officially part of the family and that's the price my dad has put on this.

Dontcallmelen - they can still contribute, there is plenty that still requires booking and ideally we were hoping they'd offer to pay for the honeymoon.

Lostinshoebiz - they may be trying to avoid being interfering in laws however that never stopped them having an opinion when we moved out - they were there for viewings and gave opinions on furniture etc so seems out of character.

rogersnextdoublespartner - They don't know how much my dad is contributing, just that he is paying for the venue entirely. also don't think they would be worried financially as FIL2B earns extremely well and just last year they paid for half of my SILs wedding (which was very extravagant)

Gazelda - they are used to very extravagant weddings as I mentioned just above. I don't think they are waiting as I have asked them their opinions on colours, suits (as FIL will be in them) and possible cake designs as I know MIL likes to bake so thought she might have an opinion and as soon as I mention anything topic gets changed and they don't seem interested.

Echobelly - Maybe, it just seems so out of character for them,especially when I'm trying to bring the conversations on and they shut it down, if they were saying things without me asking I could understand if they suddenly went quiet.

Greeneyedblonde - I understand its a huge contribution and I wouldn't expect it normally but I think my dad has been waiting for the day to do this and I didn't want to take it away from him. they are nowhere near the poor relation as they earn very well and live a VERY comfortable life. My dad has an OTT car but other than that is quite modest so they will never know how much its cost him or how much he is contributing.

I know I shouldn't expect everyone to as excited as me but just a little chat about it, ask how the planning is going or even a smile and say thank you for lunch when we took them to the venue would have been nice.
It hurts because its so out of character, I value their opinions a lot and having a strained relationship with my own mum I was hoping to take MIL2B dress shopping with me and my mum but with how she is acting I just don't think she'd want to go.

We have told them we don't expect any money contributions to the wedding but they have said they will discuss their budget and come back to us as they would like to help us in anyway possible.
I don't want their money, myself and DP earn well, we have our mortgage, are saving so we can TTC after the wedding and we have our savings for the wedding day, I only want them to be involved and give me their opinions so they can relax and enjoy the day too and feel like they helped with something. but maybe they just don't want to be which is sad for me and DP after they were so involved in SIL wedding.

Sorry for rambling on!

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupwithMIL · 09/07/2018 17:25

I get they might be concerned we haven't been together long but im 23 and my DP is 28. he was in a relationship with a girl from 16 - 25 and then she walked out on him.

I feel like I settled that I wasn't going to do the same thing when I tattooed his name on my inner arm and don't expect the same in return but I did that for his own reassurance that I wasn't going anywhere. I'm committed to him and then he proposed when he was ready to show he was committed to me. I get they may be concerned but I just cant get my head around it when my parents are so excited for it and they aren't.. it just hurts I guess.

OP posts:
bigbluehouse · 09/07/2018 17:36

Maybe they're huffed that you're expecting them to pay for your honeymoon?!

It's your wedding. You shouldn't be planning it on the hope others offer to contribute...

Original poster
fedupwithMIL · 09/07/2018 17:38

Worded that incorrectly.. we aren't expecting them to pay for the honeymoon, but my DP is hoping their contribution will cover that. But if it doesn't then it doesn't. We have the money to pay for the whole wedding ourselves.
We just have an inkling the contribution they make will go towards/paycfor the honeymoon

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat · 09/07/2018 18:02

People have asked what your DP thinks about it/why doesn't he ask them. I am curious too.

As to tattoos, I am trying to say this very diplomatically, but you would be surprised how many people get tattoos of their love and within a year or 2, split. Almost all of the people I know with personal tats, have split from their partner. It means nothing, and is like tempting fate, to me. Then you end up trying to laser it off or change from 'Winona Forever' to Wino Forever'. lol :) I think the standard seems to be from my experience, if you get a tat, the relationship will be doomed - maybe just superstition and fate talking here, but generally if people need to do that to themselves to prove something as I said, it almost always falls apart. If I were a MIL I'd see getting a tattoo as a bit immature and desperate - please NB I am not saying all people with tattoos are, but that is how I would see it, so that would not impress me tbh it would just make me feel it wouldn't last. Shrugs maybe I just don't get it. Regardless, get your DP to speak to them and see if he can suss out the problem.

greendale17 · 09/07/2018 18:05

You can still get married, go to the registry office with two witnesses and have a party in a hall.

^That would be my wedding hell. No thanks

SalemBlackCat · 09/07/2018 18:13

OT: Just wondering, are there no wedding celebrants in England? I'm surprised at how many people are will to go for just a registry office, instead of marriage celebrants on a hilltop/beach/forest, etc. There are registry office marriages in my country but they are so rare as most people nowadays just hire a celebrant to marry them outdoors, then have the reception at a venue or at home. Are the only choices in England the registry office or church? Genuinely wondering.