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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding Planning with family

38 replies

fedupwithMIL · 09/07/2018 15:43

I'm new to this so bear with me,

I have been with my DP for a year and a half. We got engaged after 13 months.

My Dad and step mum are extremely excited as they love my DP and have welcomed him into the family and has offered to pay £19,000 for the venue that we will be having the reception (that's how I know they like him!)
My mum and boyfriend were more hesitant, even to the point of asking my partner to postpone the proposal as he had asked for both my dads and mums blessing as they aren't together. but since engaged my mum has been nothing but excited and is booking in appointments for dress shopping (even though the date has been booked 2 years away!)

but im struggling with my DP's parents. They were lovely to me before we moved out, I was at their house a lot and we got on well. We moved out to our own place and they helped a lot with things like putting the curtain rails up and fitting new lights which has been a god send! but as soon as we announced we were engaged I have felt really cold feelings from them, i.e on the facetime call when we let them know they literally spoke for 30 seconds saying congratulations and then changed the subject. didn't even ask how he did it.
We then booked the venue (which my dad had put the deposit down on) and they came to have lunch with us there and his mum had a face like she was eating lemons and his dad didn't say much other than there were too many weeds (it was out of season when they saw it)
I don't understand what I've done wrong. AIBU to expect more excitement from them?

OP posts:

Shampooeeee · 09/07/2018 18:16

I couldn’t get excited about an event that is two years away. Maybe they are the same. See how interested they are 18 months from now.

hammeringinmyhead · 09/07/2018 18:17

You have to get married in an approved venue (think it's by the council) e.g. a stately home or hotel if not a registry office. You can have a ceremony on a beach but you still have to go and do the legal bit in a registry office if so. Celebrants aren't a thing.

hammeringinmyhead · 09/07/2018 18:20

Also it has to be physically in the building, not in the grounds.

23ttcandengaged · 09/07/2018 18:21

Salemblackcat - I have asked him to ask next time he sees them as I won't be there..

The tattoo thing is your own personal opinion.
Dp and i talked about it and after he had his ex walk out after 9 years he wanted a commitment from me and I was happy to oblige in that format but did think about other options too.

DP is going to see his mum and dad tomorrow when I'm away for work so hopefully he can get a response.

PotteringAlong · 09/07/2018 18:24

£19k from your parents and you want enough from his to fund your honeymoon?!

No. Just no.

SalemBlackCat · 09/07/2018 18:29

hammeringhead, thanks for that. Over here the wedding celebrant is licenced and does the ceremony outdoors or wherever and files the paperwork, the couple doesn't have to worry about that, luckily. It's covered in the cost of the celebrant. You simply sign a certificate for show and celebrant then files it all. It's interesting to hear how other countries do it though. My parents were married in a registry office over here, but I don't think they do it anymore. Just merely a filing office now.

Reallylosingitthistime · 09/07/2018 18:32

As the mother of a son..... if he proposed to his girlfriend and didn't tell me he planned to beforehand m, especially after asking her families permission, I would be devastated.... genuinely. The fact you made a FaceTime call I assume means that he hadn't... is it maybe that? Are they secretly hurt because they expected to hear it from him before he did. I know he doesn't have to but if they feel they have a good relationship with him they might be hurt.

I have a great relationship with my Mum but the day we announced I was pregnant she was just off, she didn't seem fully interested and it upset me. Turns out she was feeling really unwell and had something incredibly heavy on at work and I had sprung it on her in my excitement and she just wasn't processing it so there are always reasons these things happen!

Gazelda · 09/07/2018 18:33

Did you name change fail OP?
If so, are they aware that you're also TTC?

InfiniteVariety · 09/07/2018 18:39

didn't even ask how he did it

I don't think I'd ask this! (And I don't think anyone asked me when I got engaged 30 year ago) It seems an intrusive question to me as it is essentially a private moment.

I am also gobsmacked at paying £19000 for a wedding venue. A friend whose daughter is getting married recently told me theirs was £12000 and I was

LostInShoebiz · 09/07/2018 19:13

Oh dear, name change fail

Barbaro · 09/07/2018 19:33

You do sound a bit money grabbing despite earning well and having a small mortgage. They are maybe a little annoyed that you clearly have the money yet don't want to use your own to get married, you'd prefer parents to pay for it. Might not be true, but that's how it comes across and will to them too.

henpeckedinchief · 09/07/2018 19:37

@SilverySurfer way to spectacularly miss the fucking point there's always one tedious bore who waltzes in to smugly remind anyone spending more than £100 on a wedding that they don't need to and that you can pop to a registry office in your jeans and get the job done. The reality is people can spend whatever they like on their weddings, and you have no idea whether £19,000 is a lifetime of savings or a drop in the ocean for OP's family!

OP - I don't blame you for feeling upset, that is odd behaviour. Are they maybe feeling excluded because the decision was made without them being told in advance?

SilverySurfer · 09/07/2018 21:36

henpeckedinchief no need to get your knickers in a twist or the name calling. You obviously didn't RTFT and so missed my last post.

Thank you for explaining OP. I had no idea wedding venues were so expensive.

Would your DP feel able to have a chat with them alone, see if they give any sort of explanation for how they are currently behaving?

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