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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DP for one afternoon of his time?

39 replies

Countrycode · 09/07/2018 14:39

Name changed as potentially outing. Sorry it's so long!

DP and I have two DD's under 2. I'm currently a SAHM and DP is self employed and works long hours to support us. He also helps out on his dad's farm some evenings and every weekend (unpaid). This causes a lot of resentment from me as he does pretty much nothing around the house and with the children and I feel he should spend some of his time off with us particularly while the children are so small and demanding. He pays for a lady to help me with the children 2 days per week. This is wonderful and I honestly think I would go crazy without this help as I have no family or other support where we live (we live in a really rural area a few hours from my home town). This lady generally watches the girls while I catch up on the housework and do DPs books etc. but besides the odd trip to the bank/supermarket I'm still with them all day so don't get a 'break' as such but it is a great help.

I am truly grateful for this as we are not rich but I think because I have this help with childcare he feels this negates his duties as a father and I should just be grateful and not expect him to do any grunt work. It was causing a lot of arguments so I tried to be understanding and find a solution. I understand farming is a family business and I understand him wanting to help but just not all the time at the expense of our relationship and the children's time with their dad. After yet another tense evening I texted him at work the following morning and asked if he would keep Sunday afternoons free for family time. I said I would stop complaining if he farmed all day Saturdays and even Sunday morning but kept Sunday afternoons free for family time. He never actually replied to my text but he did stick around for the two following Sunday afternoons so I thought we had finally made some headway and I was really happy and enjoyed feeling like a proper family for once. Three more Sundays have passed and he went farming for all three :( he got defensive when I challenged him on it and has just brushed it under the carpet.

I wanted to be a SAHM until the DC were at school but I'm thinking it will be best if I go back to work once my youngest is a few months older. I'm sad that I don't actually want to go back so soon but feel like if I do it will force him to step up. However I'm also concerned that if I go back it will just mean I have to do everything with the children on top of a full time job which will mean even more stress.

I truly don't know if I'm being unreasonable anymore in expecting him to pull his weight or if I'm being spoilt and entitled because I do have more help than most people. I'm so tired as the youngest isn't a good sleeper and I had them so close together that I feel I've been in a fog the past two years and my judgement can't be trusted. I just feel exhausted, lonely and isolated a lot of the time and wish I felt like we were in this together sharing the parenting load. So be brutal if needed AIBU to ask for the Sunday's?

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/07/2018 14:48

You're not being unreasonable at all, but I doubt it'll work if you've already tried to get this arrangement working before.

Your DH sounds very selfish - did he even want the DC in the first place? He's an absent parent. You're basically a single Mum (with a bit of help a couple of days a week). Sounds very lonely and hard work. Could his family help out a bit more if he won't?

Original poster

Countrycode · 09/07/2018 15:01

Your DH sounds very selfish - did he even want the DC in the first place?

He was more eager to have children than I was funnily enough. I'm beginning to think he just wanted them to fuel his ego, like having the perfect little family to the outside world but not actually willing to put the hard work into it. Makes me so sad to even type that as I can't believe I've ended up in this situation. I feel duped in a way as none of this was apparent until after our first was born and DD2 was the result of contraception failure. She's a joy but I was not planning on having another child so soon as I was so upset at how he behaved when DD1 was born.

OP posts:

DobbyisFREE · 09/07/2018 15:25

When does he treat you as his partner and not just a mother? Yes, he should spend more time with the children but what about you? You're clearly a lovely mum for putting your children first but you matter too. Don't forget that

Pippylou · 09/07/2018 15:28

Er, but it's summer and generally, all hands would be on deck on a family farm.

Pippylou · 09/07/2018 15:28

Weekends don't really exist as such...

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 09/07/2018 15:32

Pippy the farm is ils, the dh has his own self employed position.
The dc should come before unpaid work at his dps surely?

Spaghettijumper · 09/07/2018 15:36

How did he behave when your DD was born (dare I ask)?

timeisnotaline · 09/07/2018 15:40

I’d stop doing his books. If he has this time he can do them, you aren’t seeing any benefit of giving him the extra time. And YANBU, you presumably didn’t sign up to be solo parenting 7 days a week.

Original poster

Countrycode · 09/07/2018 15:51

Pip it's not just during summer he helps out - it's all the time regardless how busy it is.

Spaghetti, he was basically nowhere to be seen. Told our crying 4 day old baby to "shut up", didn't change a single nappy until I forced him when she was 3 months old, I begged him to do one night feed and I had to take over as he huffed and puffed so much. She had terrible reflux but he didn't even try to calm her - would just get frustrated and hand her to me. Apparently because I'm a woman I'm "bred for it" so I couldn't possibly be as frustrated as he was when she cried. There's lots more but I try not to think about it as I walked around with a very heavy heart during my first months of motherhood. I laid it all out there when she was about 4 months old and he honestly seemed shocked that I thought he was that bad I told him if he behaved like that when our second arrived I would leave.

He was somewhat better the second time around and he is much better with our toddler. I think he is just hopeless with babies and lacked confidence but I don't think that's enough reason to not even try and to leave your struggling partner to do it alone.

OP posts:

DeadGood · 09/07/2018 15:51

“Pippylou

Er, but it's summer and generally, all hands would be on deck on a family farm.”

Er, clearly the problem is that the OP’s partner is not even prepared to discuss it and avoids the problem. That sort of thing is maddening. And the OP didn’t sign up for solo parenting.

It also sounds as though the issue is ongoing for at least the last 2 years and therefore not just a seasonal problem.

DeadGood · 09/07/2018 15:53

The “bred for it” comment would be a serious mid-step if he were my husband.

Original poster

Countrycode · 09/07/2018 15:54

Thank you Dobby xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Countrycode · 09/07/2018 16:15

DeadGood he regularly makes comparisons to the animal kingdom and how it's the way "nature" intended that males are the hunter gatherers/ providers and females look after the children. I remind him that humans have evolved beyond this etc and he'll act like we're just joking about but it's evident he truly believes this to some extent - utterly maddening!

OP posts:

AngelsSins · 09/07/2018 16:43

Of course you’re not being unreasonable, he decided to have kids, and then shirked all responsibility for them. He’s being incredibly selfish, and putting himself and his father above his own family.

I think you’re right to go back to work sadly, as something has to change here. Seeing as talking to him like an adult hasn’t worked, I’d start making passing comments about how you may as well be single, because at least then you’d get some male attention or if that if you left him, at least you’d get every other weekend off etc. Not because that’s what you really want, or plan to do, but these little comments might give him food for thought, might make him realise what he might lose.

AngelsSins · 09/07/2018 16:47

Isn’t there any actual proof that this even is how it worked in caveman days or whatever? I don’t believe there is! Is just a bullshit excuse sexist men use to get out of pulling their weight.

Er, but it's summer and generally, all hands would be on deck on a family farm.

Well he should have thought about that before having kids then shouldn’t he?

lauryloo · 09/07/2018 16:52

I married a farmers son. It irritated me at the start, but now I see how much help dh is to fil and it’s given our 4 year old an interest too

notacooldad · 09/07/2018 16:55

Er, but it's summer and generally, all hands would be on deck on a family farm.

Well he should have thought about that before having kids then shouldn’t he?
By that reasoning no farmer would have children!

Veterinari · 09/07/2018 16:57

The problem is you’re married to a misogynist who doesn’t value women.
I wonder if he’d be more interested if you’d had sons...

Original poster

Countrycode · 09/07/2018 17:03

I think if I had signed up to a relationship with a farmer it would be different. His job isn't farming related. We met while both working in Australia and we we only came home once for a visit in the 4 years we were together over there. So I wasn't exposed to the family dynamics and the farming obligations. We only moved back when I was pregnant so by that stage it was too late I suppose. He was very different in oz, it's like he reverted to another person when we moved home: antisocial, old-fashioned, patriarchal - just like his upbringing was. I'm sorry to say that if I had known the way it was going to be I don't think I would have chosen this life at all.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 09/07/2018 17:06

I really think I would leave the resentment would kill what love I had for them tbh

RhiWrites · 09/07/2018 17:07

Unchoose it, OP.

Tell him “you are an absent father and an absent husband, I am contemplating divorce. Unless you actually make an egfort with your family that is what will happen. If you don’t step up then your answer is you’d rather divorce than work on this.”

Butterymuffin · 09/07/2018 17:07

All hands are on deck. OP is working full time as child carer and also doing farm books etc. Meanwhile her husband seems to think he only has responsibilities to the farm and not to his wife and children.

CrackerCrisp · 09/07/2018 17:15

The problem is you’re married to a sexist pig who wanted to reproduce. Well he’s done that, job done as far as he’s concerned.

Original poster

Countrycode · 09/07/2018 17:31

I have threatened to leave if things didn't improve. Then he makes more effort but it's not consistent and inevitably goes back to what it was. Then just as I start to get exasperated once more he'll put in a little effort again so it often seems like I'm the one being unreasonable. I think he knows I'm not in a position to leave while the baby is so small so they're essentially empty threats.

Plus I really do want it to work, my parents are divorced and I really don't want that life for my DC. I'm so annoyed at myself for putting innocent children in this position...

OP posts:

CrackerCrisp · 09/07/2018 17:32

But your DC also have a life where their Dad spends no time with them or has time for them. That’s not healthy either and that’s the example they will grow up with and thinking it’s normal.

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