To ask DP for one afternoon of his time?

[Countrycode]

Name changed as potentially outing. Sorry it's so long!

DP and I have two DD's under 2. I'm currently a SAHM and DP is self employed and works long hours to support us. He also helps out on his dad's farm some evenings and every weekend (unpaid). This causes a lot of resentment from me as he does pretty much nothing around the house and with the children and I feel he should spend some of his time off with us particularly while the children are so small and demanding. He pays for a lady to help me with the children 2 days per week. This is wonderful and I honestly think I would go crazy without this help as I have no family or other support where we live (we live in a really rural area a few hours from my home town). This lady generally watches the girls while I catch up on the housework and do DPs books etc. but besides the odd trip to the bank/supermarket I'm still with them all day so don't get a 'break' as such but it is a great help.

I am truly grateful for this as we are not rich but I think because I have this help with childcare he feels this negates his duties as a father and I should just be grateful and not expect him to do any grunt work. It was causing a lot of arguments so I tried to be understanding and find a solution. I understand farming is a family business and I understand him wanting to help but just not all the time at the expense of our relationship and the children's time with their dad. After yet another tense evening I texted him at work the following morning and asked if he would keep Sunday afternoons free for family time. I said I would stop complaining if he farmed all day Saturdays and even Sunday morning but kept Sunday afternoons free for family time. He never actually replied to my text but he did stick around for the two following Sunday afternoons so I thought we had finally made some headway and I was really happy and enjoyed feeling like a proper family for once. Three more Sundays have passed and he went farming for all three :( he got defensive when I challenged him on it and has just brushed it under the carpet.

I wanted to be a SAHM until the DC were at school but I'm thinking it will be best if I go back to work once my youngest is a few months older. I'm sad that I don't actually want to go back so soon but feel like if I do it will force him to step up. However I'm also concerned that if I go back it will just mean I have to do everything with the children on top of a full time job which will mean even more stress.

I truly don't know if I'm being unreasonable anymore in expecting him to pull his weight or if I'm being spoilt and entitled because I do have more help than most people. I'm so tired as the youngest isn't a good sleeper and I had them so close together that I feel I've been in a fog the past two years and my judgement can't be trusted. I just feel exhausted, lonely and isolated a lot of the time and wish I felt like we were in this together sharing the parenting load. So be brutal if needed AIBU to ask for the Sunday's?

Is it worth throwing the issue back to him one last time? Look him in the eye and tell him how you feel. Tell him how wonderful it was having him around those few weekends. Think about how much you want from him but give him some choices too. Eg you want 3 hrs family time a week but it is up to him where he does it. Or you want to join an exercise/evening class which evening would be best for him to be in with the kids? Maybe he has more flexibility to finish work early some days and do a few bath/bedtimes than to avoid farming at a busy time when his parents are probably putting home under pressure too? Then book things for the times when you expect him so there is extra reason for him to be there.

I doubt (from my own experience) that you working would make him pull his weight. You will still be doing it all and your job will come second because it is not as important as the family farm/ he can’t possibly drop anything from The Business/he earns more/insert excuse. But you would have time with other adults, build your confidence and have an income to either pay for more childcare or for you escape fund.

I feel for you. I hope you can talk it out and make him understand. Remember he is in a fog of early parenthood too.

I can understand the summer farming peak in activity, but i don't think that's all that's going on here - in this day & age, what father doesn't change a nappy till the child is 3 months old !!?!!
And the "women are bred for it" comment is from another century .... makes my brain hurt just reading it, and I'm from & live in a farming community
You can be a farmer, and understand that a penis is in no way an impediment to caring for children or doing housework !

I have a few farming friends and yes it is an incredibily busy time of year. However their dc have all been out and about and involved in farm stuff since day 1. Do you visit farm let dc get involved? Your dh is wrong but maybe by getting involved with the farm he may compromise a little as it won't be you vs them so much

Can you go to the farm, put the kids in his hands and leave?
Say "it's your time to parent now." Get in your car and drive off.
Do this every time he goes to the farm until it's just not worth his time to go there anymore.
If it was me I'd leave him, but if you want to stay with him and him to step up as a parent I think you're going to have to force him.

Are you married?

I would look to be going back to work before making any decisions about the relationship's future.

"Plus I really do want it to work, my parents are divorced and I really don't want that life for my DC. I'm so annoyed at myself for putting innocent children in this position..."

Wanting it to work m and accepting the status quo. He will not change, to him you are the same as a brood mare.

Do you want THIS for your DC? Because if you don't leave, this is what they will have, and what they will expect relationships to look like. Your childhood experience of divorce needn't be the same as yours.

This man is a misogynist. He wanted a Wife ie a combination of servant and breeding animal. It's unlikely he will improve, because he really, really doesn't consider you a person: you and the DC are props for his ego.
It might well be worth working out how you could build a life for you and DC away from him: information is power.

I’m guessing you know more about hating men than you do farming.

YANBU. He is paying for this woman to come around and do stuff so he doesn't have to.

Frankly on the days she comes around, take yourself off to do something nice for yourself. DO NOT waste it doing housework or anything for your DP. Use it as your own time.

He has responsibilities to you and your children, he also has responsibilities to his parents. Will be expected to step up and farm when his parents retire? Is this what he/ they would like? If he didn't spend time on the farm would the work get done? would he be putting his father's health at risk, perhaps, or would they be able to afford to employ someone? At the moment you are nagging, he is refusing to hear, and you haven't mentioned what your in-laws think.
Maybe the best option would be for you too to get involved in the farm to take the load off him and his parents instead of going back to work?
Talk to him about his own childhood. What he wants for your kids that is the same and what he would like them to have that is different. Talk to your parents in law about how they see the future. Your whole post is about how you make him do what you want/need but there seems to be no actual communication.

Oh and while you are absolutely right to try and renegotiate the traditional roles, if you think being with a partner who works hard to support you and pays for childcare while you are a sahp is too hard you really really don't want to contemplate life as a single parent.

A farm is a 24hr commitment and your husband probably feels he has a responsibility to help his father, which I presume will become more of his own responsibility as his father ages.

I'm not entirely sure that he's unreasonable as he's paying for a lady to help you with two littluns - most people don't have a paid helper, single mums for example.

You could make weekends about taking your girls out to nice places. It's your husband who's missing out on their best years, not you.

Did he work this hard on the farm before you had children OP or is this since you've had children?

I come from a farming background and I can understand the whole family pitching in and not being paid for it but I also understand how frustrating it is for you and you don't get much family time. Could you and your DC go to the farm with him?

Even if he was at home on Sundays that doesn't change his opinion that basically bringing up children is a womens job and I think right now that's your main problem. He needs to get it into his head he is their father and he needs to help bring them up too.

If they have animals on the farm he’s obviously very bad at farming given the bred for it comment, so he really should take a break from it. The modern woman is absolutely not bred for having babies.