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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child meeting ex DH new partner

32 replies

ncforadvice18 · 09/07/2018 12:50

Just wanted some impartial advice.
Split with ex husband in April and we still lived together until end of May. I asked him to leave because it was obvious he was seeing someone and he moved straight in with her. Didn't admit until a week after that he had no intention of getting his own place.
DD is 9 and is obviously mixed up and upset regarding the whole situation. She hasn't met the new girlfriend but she is aware that her older sister has.
They've been together since mid may 'apparently' and he's not spent much time with the kids since.
He's now pushing the issue massively for my DD to meet the new girlfriend which she's said she will do but only with her older sister present. But she's adamant she doesn't want to go to their house yet and he wants me to talk her into it. I just want other opinions as obviously I am slightly clouded by my own emotions. Is it too early for her to be meeting the woman? Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
ncforadvice18 · 09/07/2018 12:55

I'm going to show him this thread

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 09/07/2018 12:56

Legally it’s upto the dad when he introduces the kids. He can do what he wants on his time (just like you can do what you want on your time).

Morally that’s a different story. The kids need some time to come to terms with the breakup. It does sound very soon.

My OH had been split up / divorced for 3 / 4 years when I met the kids. I had known him for 9 months (as he didn’t want to be introducing his kids to different women and wanted to be sure about things). Fair enough. All hell broke loose with the mother.

Remember you can’t control him. You can I st be there for your kids.

helpmum2003 · 09/07/2018 12:57

I think it's very early days. Personally I wouldn't force her to do anything.

Could you suggest to ex that he spends more time with her alone to rebuild confidence?

Hideandgo · 09/07/2018 12:59

Sorry May 2018? This year? Like 6 weeks ago?

Does he give ANY shits at all about his daughter and what how this will impact her and how she sees herself and her world and relationships in the future? Clearly not because he’s already made sure she knows he’s moved on.

The utter bastard doing that to a little girl. It’s bad enough hurting his partner but you’re an adult and relationships sometimes go bad. But he could have kept his new partner quiet for a while to protect his innocent daughter from this and take time to prepare her.

Pickleypickles · 09/07/2018 13:02

I have no experience but what i would like to do in your situation is let your DD take the lead. If she thinks shes ready i think that should be her choice, she should also be allowed to take it slow so if she meets her and doesnt want to see her again for a while or every time she sees her dad that should be fine too. If she doesnt want to go to there house no one should make her yet. Your ex should be focusing on what dd wants not in playing happy famillies.

LotusInspired · 09/07/2018 13:07

It really is way too early for either of them to be meeting a new partner. But if one of them has met the new partners already then, the other will feel very left out.

I’m very disappointed that the partner, being a woman and knowing how raw everything still is, even allowed herself to be met. It’s all too sudden. I’m wondering what the girls will take from this whole experience. Sad

Original poster
ncforadvice18 · 09/07/2018 13:10

Thank you all for your replies - I have suggested he tries spending more time with them to build up the bond again but his only focus is DD meeting her 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
ncforadvice18 · 09/07/2018 13:11

I didn't tell her older DD had met the woman either he did 😭 I had to tell her he was living with someone else because she kept asking me when daddy was getting his own place and if he had a girlfriend 💔

OP posts:
Fatclub · 09/07/2018 13:13

It's up to him legally but for the kids as he only moved out in May that's when their life changed and its not very long ago is it really. I would not push my children in this situation.

LeighaJ · 09/07/2018 13:14

His focus should be on what's best for his daughter not him and his "new" girlfriend who it's hard not to think was a hidden OW.

You only just split, no one should be pressuring your daughter to meet a new partner 3 months on.

Batmanthedude · 09/07/2018 13:15

6 weeks is far too soon to be meeting a new woman, and deal with the breakup of her parents marriage.

He is being unbelievably selfish and putting his own needs / wants before his daughter. I wouldn't persuade or talk her into anything. It is up to her what she wants to do, you should just be there to support her and be someone she can talk too.

You exdh, needs to stop being a twat.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/07/2018 13:17

He’s a selfish prick.

His DAUGHTER is 9. Her Dad has just left her Mum for another woman (🌷 twat) and completely screwed up her family. He now thinks she should go to the OW’s house and play happy families because he’s getting his end away with some morally bankrupt woman...and he think it’s ok to ask YOU to talk her around. Fuck me. Entitled much?! He should realise he’s very lucky that his DD has agreed to see him and he should meet her, on HER terms, with NO pressure to meet his marriage wrecking OW. The pair of them are a disgrace.

I would tell DD that it’s totally up to her if/when she sees him and if/when she meets the OW.

Charliebob1337 · 09/07/2018 13:19

I hope you do show him this thread and the responses because I've been in a similar situation as a child and would strongly suggest you build your relationship back with your daughters first before introducing your new gf.

To your exh he probably doesn't think there is anything to rebuild, he's still their dad nothing has changed but for your daughters they have lost a little part of themselves. They have gone from having their dad around to hardly seeing him. Life does happen and people move on but the gf can wait. If it's serious and they are planning on being together for a long long time there isn't any rush.

He needs to take the girls out and spend time with the first in a mutual setting, then perhaps nearer to Christmas introduce his gf again in a mutual setting before offering the girls the opportunity to come to their house or stay at theirs.

If he rushes it and it all goes tits up, his youngest daughter may never truly forgive him or worse if it doesn't work out with this other lady it will send all different types of mixed emotions towards your daughter. The amount of times my dad had a different gf, it got to the point where I didn't take him seriously and found him immature.

Just give the girls some time, there is more than just yourselves in this situation and listening to what the kids want through this time is important. Don't fuck it up! (exh not you op)

Randomuser789 · 09/07/2018 13:19

He cannot force her to meet the OW or he will end up forcing a relationship and she will hate and resent her. He needs to do this on your DD’s terms when she feels ready to even talk about this woman let alone meet her. Poor girl she’s only 9 she’s nowhere near ready to meet a partner of a few weeks at her house. When they do meet further down the line it should be on mutual ground, out at a meal or something.

TheLionRoars1110 · 09/07/2018 13:21

He is being really rather strange about this. DD has agreed to meet (is this really what she wants? I can't imagine but there it is). He should take that not want to dictate where the heck that happens. IF he carries on pushing her around and ignoring her feelings DD will write him off and will stop caring about him and his feelings.
He is ignoring that whilst he may not be grieving for the end of his relationship with you his children are and he has to protect them and behave like an adult.
OP you're well rid! He sounds incredibly insensitive. OW sounds bananas too. I hope your children are ok.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2018 13:32

Is your preoccupation genuinely wanting your 9 year old daughter to meet your bit on the side now live in lover weeks after your left her mother? And do you want their mother to be complicit? Really?

Well that’s a great way to alienate your daughters. But hey you crack on cos we are all just silly women and what would we know what it’s like to be a little girl of 9.

When your daughters grow up and find arsehole boyfriends or have sex at an horrendously young age, you just remember that your lack of love and care meant they craved and went looking for male affection elsewhere because daddy doesn’t give a shit about them.

Do your girls a favour and just dump them now seeing as they mean so little to you. Arsehole.

lapenguin · 09/07/2018 13:33

Either he needs to realise its too early or admit they have been together a lot longer
He needs to do it on her terms and stop being selfish
Otherwise he will lose her forever, though his actions don't prove he cares anyway

diddl · 09/07/2018 13:35

" she's said she will do but only with her older sister present. But she's adamant she doesn't want to go to their house yet "

So there's his answer!

Whats the big deal about his new gf meeting her?

BlueBug45 · 09/07/2018 13:35

Your ex has been lying to you and has likely been lying to the his "new" girlfriend. No adult with sense would want to immediately meet the children of a new partner if the relationship is new and that new partner had just left their mother.

Anyway both of you need to leave it for your DD to decide when she wants to meet the "new" girlfriend and who with, plus it does need to be on neutral territory.

Btw your ex sounds like a cock lodger so you are well rid. Wonder when his "new" girlfriend will work that out.

Bobbybear10 · 09/07/2018 13:36

Oh wow it’s all very quick isn’t it?

I find it hard to believe this wasn’t the other women during your relationship tbh, has he admitted to cheating?

But I suppose that’s not really the issue now.

Honestly it’s far, far too soon to be introducing anything be to anyone. I wonder why he is pushing for it so much?

The children need time to heal and learn that their daddy still loves them, they will always be no.1 to daddy and his new home is their home too. This all needs to be done without the new partner so your children adjust to the new situation without feeling pushed out and no longer loved as much by their dad.

He needs to make sure they understand that he may not love you like he used to but he has spilt with you not them and he still loves them just as much. He cannot do this while introducing a new woman into the mix.

As for the living situation, it’s awful he hasn’t provided a home for his children where they can reconnect with their father without another woman being there. It will make them feel quite insecure I imagine and very unlikely to ever feel like it’s the home they share with their father.

It gives quite a lot of red flags that the new partner is happy to be introduced at this point. I cannot see it being a harmonious step parent/partner relationship if she has such little empathy for how the children will be feeling.

You cannot do anything about him introducing them, he has a right as their father to do as he wishes (within reason) BUT introducing them so soon and not providing his children with a separate home they feel is their own where they can re-bond with their father makes him a rubbish person and a really rubbish father.

This is not going to end well if he carries on in this way.

diddl · 09/07/2018 13:36

How old is the older daughter & how come she has met the gf?

StealthNinjaMum · 09/07/2018 13:37

I'm guessing he's a lazy arse who did little childcare and wants ow to step up with cooking, cleaning and childcare.

But please correct me if I'm wrong.

Saw this happen with a few friends whose ex's ows have ended up doing all the childcare

OliviaStabler · 09/07/2018 13:41

I bet he only wants to introduce them as he is a lazy arse and he wants dd to visit at the gf's property rather than taking her out.

It is way too soon. He needs to abide by dd's wishes.

Butterymuffin · 09/07/2018 13:41

Stealth Yes, I thought that too. He wants to introduce her quickly so he can move to a model where she takes care of the girls on his time with them.

He should be putting his daughter's feelings ahead of his own on this issue. He's clearly prioritised his own happiness in a number of other ways.

Mummyschnauzer · 09/07/2018 13:44

He’s a selfish prick his daughters life and stability has been pulled apart, this is something that will affect her world view for the rest of her life. What she needs now is to know she is still the centre of her parents worlds, that they will do everything to support and look after her. That she does not come second. What she doesn’t need is daddy rocking up with some strange woman, forcing this stranger on a young child at a very vulnerable time in their lives. If he can’t handle that he doesn’t deserve to be a father

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