Child meeting ex DH new partner

[ncforadvice18]

Just wanted some impartial advice.
Split with ex husband in April and we still lived together until end of May. I asked him to leave because it was obvious he was seeing someone and he moved straight in with her. Didn't admit until a week after that he had no intention of getting his own place.
DD is 9 and is obviously mixed up and upset regarding the whole situation. She hasn't met the new girlfriend but she is aware that her older sister has.
They've been together since mid may 'apparently' and he's not spent much time with the kids since.
He's now pushing the issue massively for my DD to meet the new girlfriend which she's said she will do but only with her older sister present. But she's adamant she doesn't want to go to their house yet and he wants me to talk her into it. I just want other opinions as obviously I am slightly clouded by my own emotions. Is it too early for her to be meeting the woman? Thanks in advance

I wondered the same as diddl regarding the age of your older dd and where did your dd meet the OW.

Also where is he planning to introduce the gf to your dd in her home or out for a coffee? I think it is a difficult situation for a young child as she must be missing her df in her life.

"I'm guessing he's a lazy arse who did little childcare and wants ow to step up with cooking, cleaning and childcare."

Could be.

If he lives with her & they didn't/don't want to see her or go there, that does reduce his options somewhat!

So it does sound as if he's looking for an easy (for him!) solution.

He's wrong.

OP EXH - I get that you are happy with your new relationship, and that is great news. For YOU.

For your DD it's a matter of stress, worry and concern. She's nervous and probably feeling guilty, confused and scared about meeting someone in your life who isn't Mum.

We don't know if this relationship is going to last, now that you are living together, things have changed for you both, and recently too. Irrespective of how long you have been involved.

please consider this from at these perspectives:

If there IS a long term future in this relationship - where is the fire? is this just to make YOUR life easier? Be honest.

Is this you trying to cement a fledgeling relationship, (or one that has been long standing but is only now 'official') involving a 9 yo when she is not sure about any of it WON'T strengthen your relationship.

Are you being pressurised to insert this woman into your DC lives? That is a red flag. If this is her curiosity or need to be important, I'd consider binning her on this point alone.

A new relationship needs to be nurtured. childcare (and I speak as a devoted mum) is drudgery. Being an Adult is WAY more fun than being a parent most of the time, so give your new relationship all the time it can get to just 'be' without kids.

Your Ex (our OP) is NOT being petty, she is naturally concerned and in this instance, i think she has a right to.

FWIW, I was introduced to my OH DC way earlier than we'd planned, but the ex wife got wind of his new relationship in the early days (like date number 3 or 4) and filled his DC full of so much crap it made them want to meet me and my DC. She was trying to scupper our relationship, or scupper the one between her DC and the dad. It backfired, we get on like a house on fire and I really value the time we spend together. We both do however vigorously work to ensure we have relationship time together and time with our own kids.

It's a balancing act and can't please everyone all at once, but the key people in all this is the DC. Don't rush them, it's not fair on them.

It’s too soon to be introducing the dc to his new woman. It’s only been a few months and it’s not fair on the kids.

As for you being asked to try and persuade her to go to the house after she’s said she doesn’t want to - that’s way WAY out of order. Your dd feelings must come first and if she’s not ready or doesn’t want to go to the house then he shouldn’t even entertain the idea.

My mum made me meet her new bf in their new flat when I was 14 and I didn’t want to. It completely fucked up my relationship with my mum for years. I hated her for putting that pressure on me

My ex planned this with his new girlfriend but it involved them travelling abroad to spend a holiday with them (just weeks after we had split). I tried appealing to him but it was no use so I spoke to my lawyer who said STBXH was not putting our DDs' welfare first and I could refuse to let them go. I pushed back and insisted on a slow introduction over several months building up to nights away when the girls felt comfortable. My DDs were never aware of my unhappiness about the situation.

Two years later and the DDs have a good relationship with their dad and his girlfriend . It was hard to defy him but I am really glad that I stood up for the girls. Don't take it for granted that he can do what he wants - if it could cause your kids distress then that may not be true. Family law is all about their welfare not their dad's.

What Annie said.

Can't stand people trying to play happy families and move on in a split second, similar experience constantly being attempted to jump into things and suddenly except a new woman as part of the family.

I think it is way too soon, emotions are still very all over the place i can imagine and it is not right for your younger child to be pushed into this so suddenly; suggest when they meet it's only with him around until she asks one day about meeting the woman when she feels like it.

*accept rather.