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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to think this is slander?

44 replies

Snappedit · 09/07/2018 11:01

my dps aunt came round to our house a couple of weeks ago to see ds (3).
There is a bit of a backstory (tension about a disagreement between the aunt and I) but I don’t want to say too much as it could be outing. I thought that we had resolved it enough to be amicable and polite to each other’s faces, but clearly not.

On Saturday night, a friend of my dm, who also knows my dp aunt saw her at a wedding reception. Dps aunt made some awful remarks to this woman about me and my parenting. She said that she was concerned for my ds welfare as I allowed him to run all over the house in different rooms, while I sat on my arse and drank tea! She said she was worried he could have an accident. There was no mention by the way that my dp should have been watching ds, if this is what she thought, so some double standards there.

Anyway dm friend has told dm and I what was said. She said that she remained very neutral and said to dp aunt she always observed my ds to be well cared for.
Now for the record, ds is 3, he does toddle about in his own home, and I can’t tail gate him, but obviously everything is toddler proofed and I always have an awareness of where he is, what he’s doing, and will check on him every five minutes or so if I can’t see/hear what he is up to.

I am furious about her comments. They are not true and I feel like this is a form of slander by criticising my parents to others. Dp is upset but he wants to leave it and just see her less. I want to call her out on it, tell her if she has concerns go down the proper channels )I.e call social services) who would come out and see nothing is wrong. I would also like to tell her if I hear anything else about her making up malicious rumours I will contact the police.

Aibu here? Would the police do anything about this? I just think it’s very unfair she can go around saying things like this, which are dishonest and a defamation of my character, with no consequence.

OP posts:
Butterfly1066 · 09/07/2018 11:03

Call the police and expect them do what ?

NotASingleFuckToGive · 09/07/2018 11:04

The word you're looking for is gossip, not slander.

Snappedit · 09/07/2018 11:05

Have a word with her about making dishonest accusations of child neglect. And direct her to the right channels if she’s worried about a child. Which she wouldn’t raise a concern properly because there isn’t one. She’s being malicious.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/07/2018 11:05

Slander is , I believe a civil matter.

But really, she’s just rude.

Your DMs friend defended you. Just cut the woman off. You don’t need to see her.

reallybadidea · 09/07/2018 11:06

Funnily enough the police have got enough on their plates without getting involved in family politics. That has to be one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard on MN. Not to mention that slander isn't a criminal offence.

Why is your FM's friend shit-stirring anyway?

pippistrelle · 09/07/2018 11:07

Slander or any kind of defamation are not matters for the police.

ShatnersWig · 09/07/2018 11:08

Put it another way. You've come on here and said "my friend said my aunt said X".

Did YOU hear aunt say this? No, you've just listened to your friend and believed her. Maybe if your aunt saw your post she could accuse your friend of slander because she never said such things.

Of course the Police won't do anything. Ridiculous

Sarahjconnor · 09/07/2018 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheLionRoars1110 · 09/07/2018 11:09

You're giving this much more energy and thought than it deserves. Here's a lady who doesn't like you, so she starts gossiping about you. Surely the best thing to do is to ignore her and see her less/not at all going forward. Your DP agrees with this so it looks like he's got your back.
I guess if she asks you/DP why she doesn't get to see you much anymore you can tell her that you heard she gossiped about you straight after her last visit and found her behaviour upsetting. Therefore, you have reduced contact.

Snappedit · 09/07/2018 11:11

Ok Point taken. I think it was more to say to her that I’m very angry about what she has said, and I don’t want a repeat. I won’t stand for any more.
It is a serious accusation, to suggest someone is neglecting their child, she has made to a longstanding family friend who I would have no reason to disbelieve.

OP posts:
ReservoirDogs · 09/07/2018 11:13

Don't have her in your house anymore!

Snappedit · 09/07/2018 11:14

I’m not really thinking very clearly because I’m just so angry about what has been said.
Most nasty gossip I feel I could rise above, but talking about a parent neglecting their child, I feel is on a different level.

OP posts:
CloudCaptain · 09/07/2018 11:14

This is a minor issue which has already resolved itself. The police are not the authority to deal with this. Save their time for a proper emergency.
Just let the (batshit) woman call social services on you. Don't have her to visit anymore. SS will be more than happy that your dc has free run of a safe home environment. I have a 4 and 2yo at home who have free run of the toddler proof house and garden. They will most likely be a bit bemused.

MissVanjie · 09/07/2018 11:14

she sounds like a gossipy nobhead, but really, what can you do? it's not a police matter, and tbh you sound like a bit of a drama llama if you genuinely think it is. all you can do with people like this is cut them out and give them as few opportunities to gossip as possible. calling the police on them and creating dramas or having angry confrontations is literally the worst thing you can do. just cut her out and move on.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2018 11:14

So tackle her directly although she'll likely say it was misconstrued and you're over reacting. You just have to learn to rise above it

MissVanjie · 09/07/2018 11:16

don't tackle her directly noooooooooo

don't feed the drama

people like her live for that Jeremy Kyle shit

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/07/2018 11:17

Take a deep breath. The friend didn't believe her, you and your DP know it isn't true, she has shown herself to be a snide busybody.

The only thing you cold do is get DP to have a word with his mum/dad - whichever is her sibling - and tell them what she has said and as them to have a quiet word, tell her that what she has been saying has got back to them and they are upset about her lies.

But mainly, next time you see her look her in the eye and tell her, calmly, you know what she said and if she thinks her tale has an ounce of truth in it she should contact SS instead of being nasty busybody. Keep eye contact until she has too look/walk away,

Then simply don't allow her in your house again. If she or anyone else asks why, tell them, calmly! You don't have to feel furious or ashamed, just annoyed and determined.

user1493413286 · 09/07/2018 11:21

Don’t allow her to see your child any more; neither of you need that kind of person in your lives

abilockhart · 09/07/2018 11:26

I would also like to tell her if I hear anything else about her making up malicious rumours I will contact the police.

Good grief.

Snappedit · 09/07/2018 11:27

Ok thank you for helpful responses here.
I Am just feeling so angry and I’m just worried about who else she may be telling her nasty poison to. But I can see that threatening her with the police won’t help either.
She won’t be seeing ds again.
The family friend was very matter of fact about things, and said it was fine for us to speak to dp aunt about it, she didn’t tell us in confidence, so I don’t believe she could be making this up. She would have no reason to do so.

OP posts:
Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 09/07/2018 11:42

I would be cutting her out of your life and making it very clear why.

crazychemist · 09/07/2018 11:42

Hi OP, it sounds like you have calmed down quite a bit. Sorry that you had a nasty encounter. Unfortunately, there really isn't much that can be done about this kind of gossip. But it sounds like people doesn't believe her, so it isn't an issue. Just don't invite her round!

Tjzmummabear · 09/07/2018 11:53

Slander is civil not criminal. Personally, I'd ignore the old bag.

henpeckedinchief · 09/07/2018 11:55

The police wouldn't do anything because slander isn't a criminal offence, it's a civil one.

That means your recourse would be through a solicitor. However - it's very unlikely to be worth it. For one thing, it's extremely hard to prove an accusation of slander because the person doing the slandering has a defence of 'honest opinion' - this can be used as a defence to defamation claims if the defendant can show (i) that the statement in question was an opinion, (ii) that within the statement there was an apparent basis to the opinion and (iii) the statement is one that an honest person could have held.

Your DP's aunt could probably use this defence if it ever got as far as a court. In which case you would get no compensation, and you would have to pay her legal costs (as well as your own). Even if you were successful you wouldn't recoup all of your own legal costs and it would take years.

Also, there's the Bette Midler effect - suing someone for slander inevitably publicises that slander more widely. Court documents are public - do you really want a public court of law making a determination on your parenting skills, and having all and sundry be able to read what the aunt says? There would be enough people saying 'no smoke without fire' to do far more damage than the aunt could do alone.

The aunt is a gossip. Anyone sensible who hears what she says will know it's ridiculous. Don't invite her back to your home, ignore her stupid remarks, and stop letting her take up space in your head.

LemonBreeland · 09/07/2018 11:55

I wouldn't bother saying anything to her, other than she is not welcome in my house again. I would have nothing to do with her.

DH wants you to just see her less? I would never be anywhere near her again, and neither would my child.

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