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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isn't ok and be pissed with DP

71 replies

Shortstuff08 · 09/07/2018 08:55

Good Morning

I am posting this for my best friend we are in her kitchen and we were discussing this and I suggested putting it to the mn jury.

She says

Dp is a kids sports coach. It's a team sport and our 9 year old dd is in the team.

Dp, the other coach and our dd were travelling to a game on Saturday. Dd later told me that dp had looked at a woman running and said to the other coach 'god she is going to give herself a black eye!' Talking about her boobs bouncing.

Dd asked him what he meant and he said 'oh just meant because she is fat'

I spoke to DP on Saturday evening and asked him. He said he did comment on her boobs and then when he realised that she heard he backtracked and made the comment about her being fat so she didn't know he was talking about her boobs.

I am really angry and he doesn't get it. I am not happy he was making comments about women's boobs or their body size.

The reasons I am angry are

Dd shouldn't be hearing him comment on women's bodies shape or sizes, I really hate this and think men just don't get how awful it is. She shouldn't be growing up think it's ok for men to do this. She will learn a lot about relationships with men, from her dad's behaviour towards her and women in general.

Dd shouldn't be hearing him comment on women's boobs, again for the reasons above.

He was transporting her for a game and what he said is not ok for any sports coach to say in front of his team.

If I heard another coach saying this in front of my dd I would be complaining. I am considering putting her in another group, because of this.

He just doesn't seem to get it. He thinks I am over reacting and doesn't understand how growing up hearing things like this will impact her and not appropriate for a sports coach.

Does anyone have any suggestions of posts or anything where someone can explain this him so he understands the impact he is having.

Thanks

OP posts:

steppemum · 09/07/2018 10:02

actually, I think using dd as an example might work.

so - if dd was out doing her sport, and a bloke was in the crowd watching and said - look at that kid and (insert personal comment about dds appearance her) how would dad feel? And whatever she looks like, men can always find a negative comment to make.

Then as Brunsdon did, talk him through his response.
If it isn't ok to say to or about your own dd or wife, then it isn't ok to say about another woman

BoneShaker · 09/07/2018 10:03

Has he had no safeguarding training about what is/isn't appropriate behaviour in front of his team members?

I've known for my DC's coaches for a couple of years now and think they are excellent at what they do. However, if I heard that they were commenting on women's breasts and body shapes in front of the children I would have no hesitation in looking elsewhere for the coaching.

As a father he also shouldn't be contributing to a culture where girls and women hear these kinds of comments as they go about their business.

Has he seen today's news reports about the misogyny hate crime pilot scheme in Notts? It also included men commenting on women's bodies and the effects that it can have:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-nottinghamshire-44740362

Aus84 · 09/07/2018 10:04

Not cool to comment on a woman's weight in front of his DD. Not cool to be commenting on a woman's boobs in front of his DD. Can you imagine if she was to remember this incident when she was older and it made her self-conscious to go for a run in public.

If DD wasn't there and he made the comment to show off in front of the there coach then that's pretty normal.

mplINsTA · 09/07/2018 10:04

"I made our nine year old daughter think I wasn't perving on a lady, I was just policing her body based on my own aesthetic preferences. What's wrong with that?!"

what a fucking tosser.

DidimusStench · 09/07/2018 10:05

Actually, I didn’t honk about it fbrom a safeguarding point of view. He’s failed massively there and that’s a huge problem.

DidimusStench · 09/07/2018 10:06

Honk = think obvs

FASH84 · 09/07/2018 10:08

So he thinks there's nothing wrong in commenting all the time on women's figures, this isn't just a one off inappropriate comment he tried to back track on and just dug himself a different shaped hole? If he's such a misogynistic arse day to day why did she have children with him? This obviously won't be the first time he's done something similar. This is either a one off he's learned his lesson and won't do it again, or is his standard behaviour, if it's the latter she has bigger problems than who coaches her daughter.

ChasedByBees · 09/07/2018 10:09

This was really inappropriate. Even changing it to fat shaming could put in the DD’s head that fat is something to be avoided at all costs and tie being thin to self worth (hello eating disorders).

And of course as someone has said, the passing comments on women’s bodies as they do sport will just make women feel self conscious and less likely to participate.

And finally, it makes him sound like a total idiot.

Shumpalumpa · 09/07/2018 10:10

I agree with you OP. I would have been mortified if my dad had talked about a woman's body in that way as a child. My dad once called my aunt a bitch when I was 11/12 and I still remember it. Even though she was a bitch, you don't want to hear your dad talk like that.

This thread shows why women are their own worst enemies sometimes.

rockcakesrock · 09/07/2018 10:11

You are right to be angry with him and he needs to listen. Presumably he enjoys coaching. I would ask him how he felt if another parent made a complaint about him because of inappropriate speech. He could lose the opportunity to coach . People are much more likely to react and complain these days. Regardless of how it affect him, telling his DD that a woman is fat and therefore it is ok to be dispariging about her is awful.

Original poster

Shortstuff08 · 09/07/2018 10:12

Has he had no safeguarding training about what is/isn't appropriate behaviour in front of his team members?

He has had quite extensive safe guarding training. He is also the first to jump on other coaches for doing things he disagrees with. Such as increasing training twice a week. He kept saying that, they are kids and it's too much and in their training they were told not to train more than once a week. A training session is an hour so I don't think 2 hours of training and a game a week is too much.

She is going to do this.

Can you imagine if she was to remember this incident when she was older and it made her self-conscious to go for a run in public.

That is a concern

"I made our nine year old daughter think I wasn't perving on a lady, I was just policing her body based on my own aesthetic preferences. What's wrong with that?!"

That's essentially what he is saying.

Sorry if I missed anyone's comments.

OP posts:

Meeep · 09/07/2018 10:15

I'd be annoyed.

Also, why do people have to be so horrible on here, moaning on about how people phrase things. It's not a crime to use an American way of saying something even if it isn't common usage. The OP wasn't here to ask about what you think about her vocabulary. You just make yourself look like a really smug, mean person commenting on it.

SummerLife · 09/07/2018 10:19

It's incredulous that some women think this kind of thing is OK.

Wave2wave · 09/07/2018 10:31

Steve Biddulph also has some interesting arguments on this. sorry can't link at the moment but hope you can find something.

Original poster

Shortstuff08 · 09/07/2018 10:35

Wave2wave thank you. I have given her that name and She is looking into his books.

OP posts:

Lethaldrizzle · 09/07/2018 10:37

Me and my mates use that phrase and I've heard female comedians joke about it but it's generally about oneself and i wouldn't talk like that in front of 9 year old daughter.

Boulshired · 09/07/2018 10:45

I know women who will not do certain types of exercise because of their boobs. I will not run unless I am wearing an expensive sports bra. It’s hard enough for women as it is without a new generation being taught that if this child develops large boobs she will also have to strap them in or be judged.

deenagh · 09/07/2018 10:57

I think your friend is right to be annoyed, and that it's not coming from a jealous place of her partner "looking at another women's tits".

If it were me, I'd be asking DP to sit down with DD and have a chat about what he said. He doesn't need to tell her that it was a comment about this woman's boobs, but maybe it would be best if her explained that what he said wasn't very nice, or acceptable, and he was sorry that she heard it, it would make everyone involved feel a bit better.

But then again, convincing someone to apologise, especially to a child, when they feel they've done nothing wrong, can be very hard.

Missingstreetlife · 09/07/2018 11:05

Racecar, don't be snobby. It's about gender, not class.

Fat shaming is practically government policy, masquerading as health concern, same as racism pretending to be about keeping us safe from terror or low wages or whatever.

Never mind he's the coach, not ok as dad either.

Original poster

Shortstuff08 · 09/07/2018 18:37

Thanks everyone. She is going to sit down with him and talk and have a look at the author recommended.

You have given her some really good reasoning. Hopefully, he will take it on board.

OP posts:

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/07/2018 23:10

He made a comment about something she has no control over, big boobs and skin colour are similar in that respect, you can't control it.

It's amazed me over the years to discover how many men and women seem to think those of us stuck with big boobs made some kind of conscious choice to have them, and therefore deserve all the assumptions people make.

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