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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't ok and be pissed with DP

71 replies

Shortstuff08 · 09/07/2018 08:55

Good Morning

I am posting this for my best friend we are in her kitchen and we were discussing this and I suggested putting it to the mn jury.

She says

Dp is a kids sports coach. It's a team sport and our 9 year old dd is in the team.

Dp, the other coach and our dd were travelling to a game on Saturday. Dd later told me that dp had looked at a woman running and said to the other coach 'god she is going to give herself a black eye!' Talking about her boobs bouncing.

Dd asked him what he meant and he said 'oh just meant because she is fat'

I spoke to DP on Saturday evening and asked him. He said he did comment on her boobs and then when he realised that she heard he backtracked and made the comment about her being fat so she didn't know he was talking about her boobs.

I am really angry and he doesn't get it. I am not happy he was making comments about women's boobs or their body size.

The reasons I am angry are

Dd shouldn't be hearing him comment on women's bodies shape or sizes, I really hate this and think men just don't get how awful it is. She shouldn't be growing up think it's ok for men to do this. She will learn a lot about relationships with men, from her dad's behaviour towards her and women in general.

Dd shouldn't be hearing him comment on women's boobs, again for the reasons above.

He was transporting her for a game and what he said is not ok for any sports coach to say in front of his team.

If I heard another coach saying this in front of my dd I would be complaining. I am considering putting her in another group, because of this.

He just doesn't seem to get it. He thinks I am over reacting and doesn't understand how growing up hearing things like this will impact her and not appropriate for a sports coach.

Does anyone have any suggestions of posts or anything where someone can explain this him so he understands the impact he is having.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Shortstuff08 · 09/07/2018 09:33

Potentially very undermining of her motivation to do sport and be physically active too.

Friends says she hadn't thought of that angle. It's quite a common thing that women don't like exercising outside or in public due to things this.

I suppose that's why most big gyms have a females only part of the gym.

OP posts:
diddl · 09/07/2018 09:34

It's the need to comment that's not on isn't it?

Even if the daughter hadn't been there?

If another bloke said this to my husband he'd think that he was an immature tosser.

DidimusStench · 09/07/2018 09:34

You are only pissed off cause your H was looking at another womans tits. We've all had partners who do this, so understand how you feel..but get over it!!

Wonder if it would also be ok for a teacher to make comments like this in front of their class. As a sports coach he’s in a position of responsibility. He’s meant to be building confidence and being encouraging, not tearing down self esteem.

Branleuse · 09/07/2018 09:35

This would piss me off.
Both me and dp are really careful about body and appearance related comments around the children - we try not to at all really. It is really bad for girls that they grow up feeling like theyre being evaluated on their looks constantly. Its really obtrusive.

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 09/07/2018 09:37

What the fuck has her tits or her weight got to do with him?

Dieu · 09/07/2018 09:37

Your friend is NBU to be annoyed at this. It's an awful thing to say full stop, let alone in front of a young girl!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/07/2018 09:37

It isn’t only men who make personal comments I can assure you. In my women only running club there are the odd comments about male runners anatomy occasionally.

Original poster
Shortstuff08 · 09/07/2018 09:39

He’s meant to be building confidence and being encouraging, not tearing down self esteem.

Exactly.

In my women only running club there are the odd comments about male runners anatomy occasionally.

And that's not ok either.

OP posts:
Hideandgo · 09/07/2018 09:39

I would be really angry too OP. The fact that he said that so casually, even if afterwards realised it was a mistake, indicates that it’s how his thoughts work. Luckily my DH is the least pass remarkable person I know so I’d be pretty upset to hear such a comment from him, especially in front of our DDs. It’s sexist and degrading, and the gay comment is beyond the pale.

Hideandgo · 09/07/2018 09:40

Gay=fat! What an autocorrect!

itsallgoneshitflavoured · 09/07/2018 09:40

Seriously? I can't see what the problem is. Women make comments like this all the time about each other and about men. But because it's a bloke saying it and because this is mumsnet then obviously he's a twat.
If that's all your friend has to worry about then she's pretty lucky.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/07/2018 09:41

Your friend is being a bit of a twat saying ‘as her coach’. He’s her Dad, it’s irrelevant that he’s also her coach.

It’s also utterly pointless going off on one and threatening to switch her out.

She needs to wait until she’s calmed down, them calmly explain WHY she thinks it’s not good for a girl to hear those things.

Personally, I grew up in the ‘70’s, it didn’t do us a bit of harm quite frankly. Men look at women, women look at men...the world keeps spinning.

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/07/2018 09:42

And I’d bet that most of those who get oh so offended think nothing of ogling fit blokes with the addage that “mmmm I would.....”

I might think it, I wouldn't say it, and especially not in front of children. You're also equating a fairly generic comment of approval with specific comments about issues - big boobs, weight - that are already far too focused on in the current climate.

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/07/2018 09:43

Personally, I grew up in the ‘70’s, it didn’t do us a bit of harm quite frankly.

So did I, and I don't agree at all. God the 70's were revolting.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/07/2018 09:43

Agree with you itsallgone, so many mners are so angry all the time.

DidimusStench · 09/07/2018 09:44

But because it's a bloke saying it and because this is mumsnet then obviously he's a twat.

Women that do it are twats too.

OliviaStabler · 09/07/2018 09:45

I think he made a comment without thinking and then back tracked as soon as he realised it was inappropriate.

We all say things out of turn occasionally. It's a one off so I'd brush it off and think no more of it.

Original poster
Shortstuff08 · 09/07/2018 09:45

Personally, I grew up in the ‘70’s, it didn’t do us a bit of harm quite frankly. Men look at women, women look at men...the world keeps spinning.

It did harm a lot of women. Of course it did. That's why it's not.

She needs to wait until she’s calmed down, themcalmlyexplain WHY she thinks it’s not good for a girl to hear those things.

Not sure where I said she went off on one. She is angry but also an adult and is capable of keeping her temper.

OP posts:
steppemum · 09/07/2018 09:47

hmm, it all feels massively blown up out of proportion, especially the part about moving dd to another group.

Yes, he made an inappropriate comment, and he shouldn't have done that, in front of dd or not in front of dd.
Yes, explain WHY it is a rubbish comment, and why it is so undermining and degrading for women. But moving teams etc, over reaction.

by the way, just as an example. I am over weight and did couch to 5 k. One of the hardest things i have ever done, and running the finish line as fats as I could at parkrun was such a soaring success moment of personal achievement for me. If anyone had made a comment about wieght or juggly fat I would have been completely gutted. As it was the people there cheered my over the line and told me how well I had done (even though ti took forever)

Original poster
Shortstuff08 · 09/07/2018 09:48

Your friend is being a bit of a twat saying ‘as her coach’. He’s her Dad, it’s irrelevant that he’s also her coach.

See, while I take your point, I disagree.

He was transporting her for a game in his capacity as coach. Both coaches were in the car. As was one of their players.

He goes out of his way to be her coach at training and not her dad. So no one can say there is favouritism etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shortstuff08 · 09/07/2018 09:49

hmm, it all feels massively blown up out of proportion, especially the part about moving dd to another group

She says that she wouldn't be considering this, if he understood. He really doesn't think commenting on women's bodies is an issue.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 09/07/2018 09:49

Well it is incredibly rude to comment on a strangers appearance. Why can't your friend just tell him that she doesn't want her DC picking up his prole habits?

sashh · 09/07/2018 09:50

He treated a person as an object just there for him to comment on. He made a comment about something she has no control over, big boobs and skin colour are similar in that respect, you can't control it.

Would he think it OK for the other coach to turn round to his dd and say, "Don't worry love, you don't have tits'?

Why are the two things any different?

Is he OK with men making comments like that about his daughter? Because if it has not happened yet then it will soon.

Brunsdon1 · 09/07/2018 09:53

I actually agree with you OP

I hate fat shaming it's really insidious and it is so much more prevalent towards women....ultimately would he be ok about someone saying it about his dd? No probably not

I was tiny when I met DP but a stroke and a hell of a year later I've gone up a lot

Without thinking one day he saw a woman who was very overweight and said "blimey that's a big girl"in quite a nasty tone...i got quite upset and asked him if he thought less of me

He was really shocked and said No if course not ,I asked him what the difference was and he couldn't really answer beyond saying he loved me and it was just me didn't matter what weight I was

That was a sweet response but I asked him how he would feel if someone else commented about me what he feel? He said he'd be furious , he felt it was different as he knew why I'd gained weight and what I'd been through....i pointed out that perhaps she had had the same

He did have his eyes opened and now sees it far more in terms of how he would feel or I would feel if someone was mean about me

OP I think it's about sitting talking to him when things are calmer and explaining clearly the why's and wherfores ...it not being about you being angry but the impact of his words

hayli · 09/07/2018 10:01

People who are saying stop looking at it as dd's coach but her dad. Imagine if it was a teacher saying to a group of students. Would it have been acceptable to pass comments then?

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