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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I end my marriage?

70 replies

alb647 · 09/07/2018 08:39

Been married a year and im already thinking of divorce. My DH ruined our first anniversary by going on a 3 day bender with his friend (let alone ruined fathers day too - I had booked a meal for my Father but cancelled as I was so angry at DH) and staying in another town without a hint of telling me what he was doing. No text or call etc then wondered why I was fuming with him - it was my fault because I wasn't there waiting for him to come home completely drunk. This is the tip of the iceberg but I wont bore you with all the other problems we seem to be having. That was 2 weeks ago. We argued on Saturday just gone, I apologised for my part in that argument, he went "fishing" with that same friend yesterday and hasn't come home again. No call or text etc. I dont even bother calling anymore because I know where he is and what he is doing (getting wasted!). It has happened so many times I have lost count. He doesn't learn and I am just completely fed up with the whole relationship and just want to tell him to move out but feel ashamed at being a failure after 1 year of marriage. Please help. I have tried everything, to being nice and talking to him, to screaming at him. Nothing works and I am losing all faith in us. When he does turn up he will manipulate it to be my fault for causing an argument on Saturday. Fed up of constantly arguing with him. What should I do?

OP posts:
AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 09/07/2018 08:40

Was he like this before you got married? How long were you together pre marriage? Any DC?

Dljlr · 09/07/2018 08:42

You're not a failure; and you won't feel any better ending it after 10 years than you do for ending it now. In fact you'd probably just have huge regret that you spent a decade waiting for him to roll home drunk. Do you have any friends or family that you can talk to? Do any of them know what's been going on?

bluebell34567 · 09/07/2018 08:44

sorry for your situation Flowers
let him go of course, you tried everything.

diddl · 09/07/2018 08:44

"When he does turn up he will manipulate it to be my fault "

No-that's completely unacceptable.

Also couldn't be soeone who just pisses off to get pissed.

Original poster
alb647 · 09/07/2018 08:48

We have been together 7 years. We used to live in his home town and yes he would be in bed pissed when I returned home from work at 4.30pm at times. We moved to my home town in November and like I said I have lost count the amount of times he has done it since then. No DC's, he has a child from his previous relationship which again I feel bad for her because she loves it where we live now so I would be ruining that too. I do have people to talk to but to be honest I am sick of moaning about him to them too.

OP posts:
juneau · 09/07/2018 08:49

Cut your losses OP. This kind of situation only ever gets worse, never better. And FGS don't get pregnant or you'll be tied to this alcoholic forever.

juneau · 09/07/2018 08:50

Oh and don't feel shame or stick with the marriage out of embarrassment that it hasn't worked out. Much better to acknowledge that now than waste any more of your life with such an immature, irresponsible dickhead.

FASH84 · 09/07/2018 08:51

OP this behaviour has been going on for seven years, I have never come home to DH drunk at 4:30 , it now seems to be escalating. Marriage was never going to fix it, get out now. Adding DCs to the mix would only make it harder to leave. You are wasting your life and deserve more than this

bluetrampolines · 09/07/2018 08:51

Definitely get rid of him.

Original poster
alb647 · 09/07/2018 08:51

Funny you say that janeau - exactly what his ex calls him!

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 09/07/2018 08:52

Shame you didn't pluck up the courage to leave him before the wedding if it was clear he was a piss head. Don't compound the mistake and stay with him and ruin your life. Get out now.

Littlemissdaredevil · 09/07/2018 08:53

Leave him before you have kids

Shoxfordian · 09/07/2018 08:54

Yeah ltb
He sounds like a waste of space

RedPill · 09/07/2018 08:54

Cut and run!

Original poster
alb647 · 09/07/2018 08:54

I thought moving away from it all (easy access to mates and drink) would help the situation but his excuse 2 weeks ago was I never see my mates anymore I only went for a drink with him!

OP posts:
KirstenRaymonde · 09/07/2018 08:59

It won’t change. As PP said, you’ll feel bad whenever you leave but the longer you stay the longer you’re unhappy. I can see how you thought things would change, clearly they’re not going to, give yourself a better chance at happiness.

Aus84 · 09/07/2018 09:04

If it's being going on for this long it's unlikely he's going to change. You're not a failure and you deserve much better. It's better to get out now - you have so much to look forward to!

Original poster
alb647 · 09/07/2018 09:06

Thanks guys I think I just need to get the courage (when Im not angry) to actually go through with it. I feel drained half the time and end up just giving in for the sake of keeping the peace.

OP posts:
BebeBelge · 09/07/2018 09:07

Do you think he is an alcoholic?

Original poster
alb647 · 09/07/2018 09:10

No I don't think he is an alcoholic to be fair - just an asshole playing games

OP posts:
Original poster
alb647 · 09/07/2018 09:12

I have annoyed him on Saturday so hes gone and exactly what he knows annoys me. But surely what wife in the world would put up with this? I don't even worry if something has happened to him anymore. Yes I had a go at him but I don't just go out and not come back. I think that that behaviour is on another level.

OP posts:
diddl · 09/07/2018 09:14

" just an asshole playing games"

Isn't that reason enough to leave?

KirstenRaymonde · 09/07/2018 09:15

It’s extremely childish and silly behaviour, you can’t have a functional relationship with someone who thinks like this.

petrolpump28 · 09/07/2018 09:17

so he is alcohol dependant?

curlywurlyjo · 09/07/2018 09:18

I was married to an alcoholic, worst years of my life. I stuck around trying to make the marriage work (as i too felt a failure), he would also tell me that the reason he drinks is coz I nag or moan about him drinking too much.
Police use to bring him home & put him to bed as they'd find him unconscious outside the pub (how embarrassing).
One night he didn't come home (regular occurrence), I packed his clothes in black bin liners and drove them to his mothers house & had my brother change the locks.
I felt a failure & when I told my friends & family was met with a response of, "about bloody time". Everyone was glad I'd walked away from my marriage.

I was with him 11 yrs, married 8 with two children, alcohol has always come first to him, then mates, then work, kids last & I was even in the equation.
My advice is to walk away, you tried to make it work, he didn't!
Things will only ever get worse, and will get harder to leave if you have kids.

Life is so short, so don't spend another a minute with someone who is selfish and makes you unhappy.
There's a man around the corner that would do anything to see a smile on your face, but while your with this numpty he won't come knocking!!