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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I end my marriage?

70 replies

alb647 · 09/07/2018 08:39

Been married a year and im already thinking of divorce. My DH ruined our first anniversary by going on a 3 day bender with his friend (let alone ruined fathers day too - I had booked a meal for my Father but cancelled as I was so angry at DH) and staying in another town without a hint of telling me what he was doing. No text or call etc then wondered why I was fuming with him - it was my fault because I wasn't there waiting for him to come home completely drunk. This is the tip of the iceberg but I wont bore you with all the other problems we seem to be having. That was 2 weeks ago. We argued on Saturday just gone, I apologised for my part in that argument, he went "fishing" with that same friend yesterday and hasn't come home again. No call or text etc. I dont even bother calling anymore because I know where he is and what he is doing (getting wasted!). It has happened so many times I have lost count. He doesn't learn and I am just completely fed up with the whole relationship and just want to tell him to move out but feel ashamed at being a failure after 1 year of marriage. Please help. I have tried everything, to being nice and talking to him, to screaming at him. Nothing works and I am losing all faith in us. When he does turn up he will manipulate it to be my fault for causing an argument on Saturday. Fed up of constantly arguing with him. What should I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

alb647 · 09/07/2018 09:19

Finally a text! No sorry or even telling me where has been - just telling me about a restaurant that is closing down! This is what I have to contend with

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/07/2018 09:23

So you text back with ' well, so such and such restaurant is closing? How fascinating. By the way, I'm leaving you.'

Pack and go and stay somewhere else. I can guarantee he won't be rushing home to talk things through - he'll have to stay out and have another drink because he needs to calm down...

curlywurlyjo · 09/07/2018 09:24

Would you leave the home or him?

Is it easier for you to move back to your parents house rather than the drama of chucking him out?

I find that calmness works better that any shouting match. Tell him your unhappy in this marriage and are moving back to your parents till you can work out the next step

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2018 09:26

Alcoholism come in different forms. You don’t have to be pissed every day to be an alcoholic. Whether or not he’s an alcoholic he’s a heavy drinker and he’s telling you who he is. You are right to listen. I would not stay with this man and agree with pp about being very careful not to fall pregnant. Moving solves nothing as you take your problems with you as you have seen. You are never too old to start again.

CrackerCrisp · 09/07/2018 09:26

You haven’t failed, he failed you. Yes you should leave as you deserve much much better.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 09/07/2018 09:28

I was going to say the same as CrackerCrisp, he's failed at the marriage, not you. He's acting like someone with no responsibilities and no relationship. LTB!

ohtheholidays · 09/07/2018 09:30

I'd end it OP,you deserve so much better and hopefully his DD will learn what a decent man should behave like being as her Father is going to have ruined 2 marriages.

TheFrendo · 09/07/2018 09:34

Yes, immediately. Move on.

Dylans2 · 09/07/2018 09:35

I had 2 children with a man like urs , he would deliberately cause an argument just so he could then leave, that was 20 years ago, I was with him 10 years and a total waste of my life , as he never changed, he is now drinking every day and never sees his children, they think he’s a waster , you should leave you deserve much better, and also it is easy being on your own as ur not constantly thinking about what they are doing, or when are they coming home etc etc, it consumed my thoughts and I regret it so much even still,

Original poster

alb647 · 09/07/2018 09:36

I am at work and cant be arguing all day with him, I end up doing no work because it never ends. Gonna calm down, go home and tell him its over. No its my house so he would have to leave - which would be another problem as he has no income on paper, another bug bite of mine. I will get the guilt trip on that too but I really dont care anymore.

OP posts:

eggncress · 09/07/2018 09:36

Get rid because he won’t change ,sounds like hard work and life’s too short.

Be glad you only wasted a year being married to him.

Lawrence22 · 09/07/2018 09:37

I was embarrassed about ending my first marriage after a reasonably short time, but my family and friends were so supportive - they know when something isn't right and they'll want to see you happy.

It happens surprisingly often, and at least you haven't got DC together. Definitely cut your losses and regain a life without having the worry and stress of dealing with all this drinking and aggro.

LoveLifeLive87 · 09/07/2018 09:39

The red flags were there before you got married, thinking marriage = stronger commitment and auto change of character.
NO marriage for these selfish pricks = comfort zone to carry on!!
Hope you don't add any DC to the mix expecting it to be the fix. Get out now and move on but plan it first otherwise if your weak he will grovel for a week and you will be back in that circle. You will be a fool to stay under the circumstances.

Twillow · 09/07/2018 09:40

You absolutely have to read Co-dependent No More - it's a very accessible book about entanglement in relationships with problems, (specifically addiction, although this wasn't my situation). I found I was underlining every other sentence and it made a huge difference to my understanding of a toxic relationship. It has taken the guilt out of the situation so that, even if you stay together, you will not feel responsible for his messes and let it be so destructive to YOU - i.e. on the day you missed Father's Day dinner.

WorldWideWanderer · 09/07/2018 09:42

He is never going to change....you have seen him like this before you married, and moving plus a wife has not made any difference. He can't see that he is being childish and selfish and has no motivation for change, so please, please get out.

At the moment you have no children and although it may be hurtful and difficult, it will only get worse and your mental health and self esteem will suffer due to all the arguments. And you don't want to be in a situation where you have invested even more than you have now.

Do not be embarrassed that you've only been married for a year. You tried and it isn't working. More time won't make a jot of difference. Let this person waste their life on their own, not waste your life too. Do not let them talk you round with promises of it will 'get better'....you say you've known each other 7 years and married a year....they have had all that time to 'get better' but they haven't.

Just go....

Snowysky20009 · 09/07/2018 09:46

Walk now before you waste more of your life

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/07/2018 09:46

My first marriage lasted fifteen months, for much the same reasons. Kick him out, this situation won't change. He has no reason to change.

Dylans2 · 09/07/2018 09:47

Just tell him your working and can’t talk , and ignore any more texts, he doesn’t contact u remember when he’s out with his mates , do u think he feels guilty abt that , it’s also not ur responsibility that he doesn’t have an income , it is hard to go through the initial leaving stage, I had to pack all my ex’s things as when I told him to leave he did but with nothing as he went to the pub

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 09/07/2018 09:53

Are you sure your house isn't a marital asset on which he can claim op?

Yerp · 09/07/2018 09:54

Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.

Divorce is divorce after a year or ten years. You deserve to be happy. Don’t waste a decade on this deadbeat.

Smudge100 · 09/07/2018 09:54

Sounds like he‘s got a serious problem with alcohol. This will not get better, in fact it will only get worse, unless he decides to do something about it, and who knows how long that will be, if ever. I speak from experience because my ex-husband was an alcoholic, who would never admit he had a problem, even after losing his job for frequent, alcohol-related absences. The drink will always be more important than you. You’re worth more than that. Swallow your pride and make an appointment with a family law solicitor. You‘re young enough to meet someone who will put you first. Remember, he‘s the one with the problem, not you.

Original poster

alb647 · 09/07/2018 09:54

Thanks I will take your advice, calm down, ignore him and tell him when I get home. I will let you know the outcome tomorrow!

OP posts:

wishywashy6 · 09/07/2018 09:56

Why did you marry him???

He sounds like my ex and he's an ex for exactly that reason - Boozing with his mates was his top priority and I wasn't prepared to come 2nd

Leave OP, he sounds like a massive prick

Crewpt · 09/07/2018 09:57

Leave him op. I was in ur situation up until recently. Life is too short to share it with a selfish addict. You deserve to be happy

TeasndToast · 09/07/2018 09:58

No kids? Great! Leave now and enjoy the rest of your life making it fabulous. Life is too short to keep trying to make shit situations better.

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