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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AngryGrandma

37 replies

everydaymum · 09/07/2018 02:13

My son wont show physical affection to his grandma and we wont make him. Grandma gets angry about this. My son plays with her, is happy to see her and is not rude, but just doesn't get physically affectionate. Grandma has now started to try and 'guilt' him into hugging/kissing her which I think is wrong/childish/unhealthy/all sorts of weird. AIBU in limiting contact if this continues (she has been told to stop but doesn't)? I don't want him thinking he has to do something he's not comfortable with to make someone else happy.

OP posts:
Kingsclerelass · 09/07/2018 03:36

YAnbu. How old is your ds?

You need to explain to your DM that some people are naturally very tactile and some are not. If she continues to try to pressurise him, she will simply drive him away and that would be a shame.

schoty77 · 09/07/2018 04:08

YANBU at all. Her actions are creepy, imo. It doesn't matter how old he is he has a right to say he doesn't want to be touched. His body - his decision.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 09/07/2018 04:10

YANBU
Are you able to give her some articles to read which explain the reasons why it is so important to not force kids to be affectionate? Would that help?

Original poster
everydaymum · 09/07/2018 07:21

DS is 5. She doesn’t agree with kids not having to kiss/hug grandparents no matter how many articles are out there. It’s not so much the anger over the lack of affection - I get that she’d be upset, it’s the fact she thinks it’s ok to try and put him on a guilt trip.

OP posts:
Oldagepensioner · 09/07/2018 07:25

I have four DGC. I’m horrified by your post. I would never force a small child into any kind of physical affection like this. You have to make it stop by whatever means. If she won’t listen to reason go NC.

Harrykanesrightsock · 09/07/2018 07:28

I taught my children that kisses were for giving not taking.

If she won’t stop explain that you will stop contact. It’s sending your child a dangerous message that they can be forced to give affection by an adult.

Singlenotsingle · 09/07/2018 07:29

There isn't much point if he's forced to pretend to be affectionate. Some people just aren't - end of!

UpstartCrow · 09/07/2018 07:31

Yanbu. This is one way kids are groomed, why would you teach him that's OK?

runwithme · 09/07/2018 07:56

I have an aunt who is like this. She said my son was rude. I just shrugged my shoulder as we were leaving and didn't want to talk about it. I hated being forced to hug and kiss male relatives and I in no way force my DC to.
I've told him that it's his choice, but haven't known what to say to my aunt. I'm definitely going to use some of the advise here.

Jeippinghmip · 09/07/2018 08:00

You have to stop this shit, otherwise you are teaching your child that it’s okay for adults to touch them, even when they don’t want it.

Lotsofdigestives · 09/07/2018 08:27

Is Grandma getting annoyed in front of him?

Original poster
everydaymum · 09/07/2018 08:29

Thank you all! I've asked DM what she hopes to get from receiving 'forced affection', because if she did get a kiss there'd be no affection or love in it. But she just doesn't get it. She asked last week to take DS out on her own and I said no - I don't trust her to not try and 'guilt' him and I don't want him feeling unsupported in his choice to say no if I'm not there. She didn't like hearing that. She then asked again today, and was surprised when I again said no. You cant reason with an unreasonable person and I cant make her understand the problem. So maybe NC is going to have to be an option. I'm sick of having to justify myself constantly to someone who obviously has issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
everydaymum · 09/07/2018 08:31

Yes, she gets annoyed in front of him. Pouts, or huffs and puffs and tells him he's hurt her feelings. Its childish and pushes him further away, so there's no way she'll get affection from him.

OP posts:
SpandexTutu · 09/07/2018 08:38

YANBU - stick to your guns. She has no right to bully a child into displays of affection.

Singlenotsingle · 09/07/2018 12:03

What's he like with other people? Does the other DGM get hugs and kisses?

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 09/07/2018 12:07

Omg i cant believe her attitude. I'm always surpriaed by how quickly people on here suggest going NC but to be honest if she is so clearly disrespecting your values (and when there is a clear child safety recommendation)you might have to at least threaten NC to make her realise how seruous this is.

hammeringinmyhead · 09/07/2018 12:14

I think at this point I'd be doing a scary-voice "Leave him alone, we have talked about this!" Every time.

Theweasleytwins · 09/07/2018 12:15

Sounds like my mil🙄

My parents aren't like that at all but I ask my 2 year olds to give them cuddles if they want to and they do

NotASingleFuckToGive · 09/07/2018 12:33

Sounds like my DGM. She used to pretend to cry if I wouldn't give her hugs and kisses, which made me feel so bad and guilted into doing something I didn't want to, or she'd say in a glum voice "Grandma is sad now, Emma* (cousin) always gives me cuddles because she's a Grandma's Girl"

It's emotional manipulation and creepy as fuck. YANBU

Lotsofdigestives · 09/07/2018 12:35

I think at this point I'd be doing a scary-voice "Leave him alone, we have talked about this!" Every time.*

I agree.

UneMoonit · 09/07/2018 12:38

YANBU in the sense that your child, your rules, his preference etc BUT...

She is not being unreasonable really wanting to hug her grandson who she presumably loves dearly - it's a perfectly normal and healthy thing. I'd encourage him to give grandma a cuddle.

HazelBite · 09/07/2018 12:41

I recall as a child having to kiss all manner of diverse aunts and uncles it was truly awful and I made a promise to myself that as an adult I would never make my DC's kiss and/or hug anyone they didn't want to, or insist nephews or neices , grandchildren kiss me goodbye.

I am a grat believer in the "blowing a kiss" to a relative etc it can be made into a great game . Would your DM accept this?

I wish my my GC's and youngest nephew were less physical with me , the gc's jump and crawl all over me, and my youngest nephew flings himself at me nearly knocking me over when he sees me.

How is their relationship other that the "forced affection"issue?

How is your son with her, does he genuinely like her?
He won't like her if she forces the issue.

FishingIsNotASport · 09/07/2018 12:46

YANBU. My Mil was like this when mine were young. DC1 was a cuddly child so no problem, DC2 is not and never has been one for cuddles and kisses. Usual pattern with my in-laws MIL cries and FIL shouts. My husband only said it once "go on, give nannie a hug", I didn't say anything until we were on our own but I read him the riot act and he never did it again. As I said to my husband, it's a form of abuse to force a child to show physical affection again their will. This kind of coercion is really creepy in my opinion.

Original poster
everydaymum · 09/07/2018 23:10

Their relationship is fine in all other ways. DS likes playing with her etc just not kisses/hugs however the more this goes on the more he’s pulling back. DM also has digs at me supposedly ‘in jest’ which DS picks up on which again makes him pull back. I completely understand that DM wants the affection but it’s not there so she should just focus on what she does have with him before that goes too. I’ve told DM that her making me kiss rellies when I was young didn’t make me love them or respect them because she claims I’m not teaching DM love and respect of family.

OP posts:
Jamiefraserskilt · 10/07/2018 01:16

My youngest did this. His gm would get huffy and hurt and compare him to the eldest who always gave her a kiss. We compromised on a high five and never pressed the point. Eventually she backed off. Now he does it. It is on his terms not hers. Take the pressure off and things may change.

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