AngryGrandma

[everydaymum]

My son wont show physical affection to his grandma and we wont make him. Grandma gets angry about this. My son plays with her, is happy to see her and is not rude, but just doesn't get physically affectionate. Grandma has now started to try and 'guilt' him into hugging/kissing her which I think is wrong/childish/unhealthy/all sorts of weird. AIBU in limiting contact if this continues (she has been told to stop but doesn't)? I don't want him thinking he has to do something he's not comfortable with to make someone else happy.

Forcing children to show affection teaches them that it's acceptable for adults to make them feel uncomfortable. This puts children at risk for being molested (about 60% of molestations are done by an unrelated person who is known to the family). What your DM is suggesting is not safe.

If she pouts I would frankly be telling her she needs to leave. That's unacceptable behaviour. She doesn't get to see your DS again until she quits acting that way.

I had to deal with similar issues from my mother

Eventually I just got blunt and explained that making a child to do something that they feel physically uncomfortable with is just teaching them to subject their needs to others - it teaches them that how they feel does not matter - that other people's needs are more important - and then when their soccer coach / brownies head / piano teacher / math tutor / uncle bob / aunt Jen[insert whatever you want] does something inappropriate they are preprogrammed to say nothing and numb their response

Then I said "is that what you'd like to teach your grandchild - to say nothing if they get abused? To not stand up for themselves and say no? Because that is what you are doing right now. You may not mean to do that, but that is the net result. I have told the children that they don't have to kiss hug or touch anyone they dont to but they do have to be respectful and say hello. Lack of physical affection does not mean lack of respect or lack of relationship"

My mother still bridled but my dad got it immediately and understood.

You would be totally unreasonable to limit contact over this! WTAF is wrong with Mumsnetters?! You're right in that DGM shouldn't guilt trip over hugs, but why oh why is the answer so extreme as limiting contact?! Jeez. Tone it down and reel it back. People aren't perfect. Your precious son can have relationships that aren't perfect in every way. If you are this extreme, I can imagine his relationship with you is far from ideal, too. Let's hope he shows you more grace and kindness when he's older, rather than limiting contact (!!) because of a minor infraction.

Poor little thing. Forced affection is horrible for a child. He's probably going to end up petrified of her.

Are you suggesting nc over this? There must be more of a back story.

You are his mother and need to be clear with your mother that she needs to back off and if she doesn’t shes going to damage the relationship. Also be clear if she continues the digs at you ditto. Your ds already understands what she’s doing and he is withdrawing from her. Is this what she wants?

If you can’t do this verbally, do it in writing.

In my opinion this happens quite a lot. A few years ago there was even a porridge ad on TV where the Grandma forces a massive bear hug on the DC.

My DGS was pretty shy as a toddler and would cling to his Mum or Dad when I visited or when they visited me. He would hide behind them and after about an hour he would maybe talk to me.

I was fine with this because that's exactly how I was as a child.

He's now six years old and he can't wait to see me and give big hugs and kisses. Even when I phone, I hear him in the background "Hullo Grandma"when are you coming to visit.

I think it's sad that your DM can't understand that she has to accept DS as he is, and how childish and immature of her to try to force the issue.

My dd is a reluctant hugger. We don't force her. My frail old mum who died a couple of years ago never forced a hug out of her. Instead, we encouraged a high five but no more. Every now and then, dd would spontaneously hug her.?same with other relatives.
I specifically say " high five " to avoid awkwardness. Dd can choose who she hugs. Me, Dh, mil, fil, an auntie and a great aunt. At on point it was only the first 4 on that list.

Oh yeah, and a beloved cousin of mine - first cousin once removed of dd? Second cousin? Whatever.

Of course children shouldn't be forced, especially kisses, but most cultures have some greeting which includes contact, and I do think they need to learn social skills.
High five or handshake, or quick hug (rather than cuddle) are fine. We had a little one in the family who gave us a pat! Mediterranean family members kiss everyone on the cheek, no one objects.

We used to ask DC directly tbh. Just said to them are we doing kisses or not today. It was then their choice and we made sure they knew that kisses could include blowing a kiss if they wanted.

It was never really an issue with GP, DC were usually happy to hug and kiss them but random relatives could be given a swerve.

There’s no back story to this. It’s simply my DM making my DS feel bad about himself and his right to decline hugs/kisses every time she sees him. Every time she leaves DS says that my DM wants him to feel guilty and asks why she wants him to feel bad. I know that he will deal with people he doesn’t get along with in life and will have falling outs with his friends over the years. Thats just part of life, he’s not ‘precious’ and it’s something he will learn to manage, but to be made to feel bad about himself every time DM visits is not acceptable. If that makes me extreme or my relationship with DS not ‘ideal’ as one poster put it, then so be it. I’d personally question the parenting of someone who let a relative try to emotionally manipulate a child at every visit. As for showing ‘grace and kindness’ my DS is polite to my DM despite her behaviour. We have taught him to be respectful and polite. My OP wasn’t to ask if my issue with DMs behaviour was unreasonable - I can’t imagine any parent being happy with what’s happening, it was to ask what to do about it as chats from me, DH and DMs best friend have not changed DMs behaviour. Limiting contact (I did not initially suggest NC), is the only thing I can think of. I had hoped for constructive suggestions (I don’t have to agree with them), and support and most posters have given that, but to question my relationship with my DS is not called for.

YANBU. It's really important for children to learn from the get go that they are in charge of their bodies and that their rules are paramount. You are doing the right thing and she is undermining you. If she won't listen, limiting contact until she does might be the wake up call she needs.