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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dads weekend

37 replies

Laura240990 · 08/07/2018 20:14

I have 2 kids, ds 11 previous relationship, dd 2 sees her dad every weekend. When we were together he never treated my son any different and his family were great with ds. Since we separated over a year ago ds hasn’t seen much of ‘stepdad’ and his own dad has never been in his life. Now ex wants to take dd away to caravan for weekend with his family. Not a mention of ds going. I offered to drive dd as I want to see where she will be sleeping, eating , etc. Now it’s a massive argument coz I’ve said I’d rather book a caravan and treat the kids equally as they always do. Aibu or is he just forgetting the 5 years he spent in my sons life now he has his own dd??

OP posts:
ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 08/07/2018 20:20

Sounds like you should have expected this if he has hardly seen DS over past year presumably whilst seeing DD regularly/ish?

My DD1 was calling ex daddy even before DD2 arrived yet was dropped like a stone pretty soon after he left with all our money.
Mind you he sees DD2 as little as poss as well and avoids any/all child support. You don’t really know someone until you split up with them x

ForgotwhatIcameinherefor · 08/07/2018 20:22

Plan something nice for you and DS to do while DD Is with Dad. To embrace the positive you would never have that time to give him your full undivided attention if it wasn’t for DD contact with her dad x

Gardenpicnic · 08/07/2018 20:23

Awful for the children involved Sad

NewYearNewMe18 · 08/07/2018 20:24

Two issues here :

(a)(i) I offered to drive dd as I want to see where she will be sleeping, eating , etc. That is completely controlling. Unless he's usually completely hopeless as a parent, but Im guessing not.

(a)(ii) I’ve said I’d rather book a caravan 'm reading that as you want to book a caravan for you and DS on the same site at the same time? utterly undermining your Ex.

But that's not what your asking. He's not your DS father, yes he may have stepped into that role, and it would be nice if he maintained that relationship, but he's not obligated to. You either need to be non confrontational about it and say "DS misses you and thinks of you as his father, are you in a position to take him too?" But of course, if ExP is going with family, is there room for DS?

But when it comes down to it, DS isn't their family.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 08/07/2018 20:25

Why do you need to check what a caravan looks like? Confused

Seasawride · 08/07/2018 20:27

NewyearnewMe

100% agree

SneakyGremlins · 08/07/2018 20:30
Hmm
TeachesOfPeaches · 08/07/2018 20:30

Seen many similar threads like this one OP. The step child gets dropped like a hot potato but the blood relationship carries on. I'm a single mum and this puts me off ever having another child.

Leeds2 · 08/07/2018 20:31

I would let DD go with dad, without inspecting where they are staying, and go somewhere else with DS, so that everyone gets a holiday.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 08/07/2018 20:40

As galling as it must be, your son is not his child, he gave him equal treatment when your boyfriend as it is the right thing, but you shouldn’t expect anything from him for your son, as shit as it is, now you’ve broken up he has zero obligation to your child, just as you would have to any further or pre-existing child of his. I know of women who’ve chosen to not to have additional children because they knew this would happen whether or not they broke up.

I think trying to force him to parent your DS and intruding on their trip is very wrong for your DS more than anyone else as he will be aware he is intruding and being forced upon your ex partner. It will make a hurt worse, not better, better out of sight and out of mind

sailorcherries · 08/07/2018 20:41

Agree 100% with NewYear

Hidillyho · 08/07/2018 20:44

He was DS stepdad.
As shit as it is to drop a child who you have known for 5yrs he doesn’t have any obligation to your DS. Would you expect DS dad to treat your DD in the same way so the kids are treated fairly? (If they were in contact this is)

Original poster
Laura240990 · 08/07/2018 20:45

Would u not wanna know where ur kids are stayin for the weekend??

OP posts:
Original poster
Laura240990 · 08/07/2018 20:47

Newyearnewme no he does not travel and if the journey goes wrong I would hate see what could happen. 2 no I wasn’t planning on a caravan in the same site. I was planning a totally different week at a totally different site.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 08/07/2018 20:48

OP if you took your children away would you expect your ex to come and inspect it before they stayed there?

Snappedandfarted2018 · 08/07/2018 20:49

I also agree with new year it’s incredibly controlling I wouldn’t dream of asking where ex was taking ds and then want to stay there in another carvan

Anditstartsagain · 08/07/2018 20:49

If it's a caravan just look at the website.

outofmydepth45 · 08/07/2018 20:49

It sucks but you have no right to he is the parent in charge for the trip

Original poster
Laura240990 · 08/07/2018 20:49

If he was able to he would be more than welcome

OP posts:
NommyChompers · 08/07/2018 20:50

I’m assuming it’s a campsite with lots of adult supervision. How would you feel if DEx didn’t trust you to keep your DD safe? Why do you need to see it?

Snappedandfarted2018 · 08/07/2018 20:50

He’s an adult and as such he’s capable of finding suitable accommodation for a weekend away. A court would laugh the very suggestion of your checking out the accommodation.

NewYearNewMe18 · 08/07/2018 20:51

I'd presume my childs father was a suitably responsible person. Which clearly he must be as your child is 2, and he's been parenting for 5 years, you wouldn't have chosen to have a child with him if he'd been completely useless in the parenting stakes.

What you want to do is control ExPs choices and comment on them. Or by driving down and inspecting, you will of course have to take your DS with you, which will cause him immense pain. Emotional blackmail. Not good.

SharronNeedles · 08/07/2018 20:52

I presume you know where the caravan is?

NerrSnerr · 08/07/2018 20:52

You need to let go. It's shit for your son but he's not his dad. You need to just let your daughter go to spend time with her family and do something else with your son.!

Voice0fReason · 08/07/2018 20:56

Sorry but I think you are going to have to get used to this. Your DD is his, your DS isn't. It would be lovely if he did continue in the role of father but that clearly isn't going to happen.
You cannot expect to go and check the place she is staying on holiday! That's ridiculously controlling.

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