To cut dc's contact with ex to bare minimum from 30% following his shitty behaviour?

[theduchessstill]

He was sahd before we split 4 years ago but he never wanted to be the RP. He wanted 50/50 but I refused and at mediation we agreed to 70/30 to me (ish). Over the years he has been consistent about the 3 week nights a fortnight he has them, but less so about the every other weekend and holiday time. I'm a teacher so always more than happy to have them during the holidays.

There was a period of about a year when he kept asking me at the last minute to have them at 'his' weekend as he had a gig. I was happy to oblige, but it was annoying being taken for granted. Over the holidays, on the one week ones he quite regularly makes a fuss about wanting them for half the time - I usually offer 3 nights/4 days, but on the longer ones he tends to quieten down. Over the summer he sees little of them as he tends to 'disappear', often only appearing to take ds1 to cricket matches and not bothering to arrange alternatives for ds2 who doesn't like cricket.

A few months ago I finally put in a claim for CS and it hasn't gone down well. I know he has a tiny income, but he hates working so it's largely his own choices that have put him where he is today. He has accused me of wrecking his life, being money-grabbing etc etc. He is supposed to pay me £16 per week, but as yet I've not received a penny, yet it's apparently my fault he may be evicted!?

A few weeks ago he told me with one day's notice he would be working away for a month due to my actions. It put me in the shit with childcare for the two afternoons he picks them up as all the clubs etc are now fully booked, but luckily my h/t was understanding and I can leave early twice a week just til we break up. As a sec school teacher who teaches mainly exam classes, I hardly have a timetable at the moment so it's quite good timing.

He was supposed to still have them every other weekend but casually sad he couldn't have them last weekend then texted Sat evening saying he was coming after all and would have them Sunday. This was annoying as I'd planned a day out for Sunday and not done a lot Sat, but I let it go. He was supposed to have them this weekend instead, but texted Friday night to say he has a gig and could I have them.

I'm exhausted. As HoD I have stacks to do at work following a year of being under-staffed, I have had stupid shit like plumbing and car problems, I've had an ear infection for ever and generally feel under the weather, I'm doing moderating and exam marking to get spending money for the summer, the house is a shit hole, ds1 is in a cricket team and does 2 matches a week, meaning we are out of the house 5.30 - 9pm, ds1 has a birthday coming up I'm trying to sort out. I'm on my knees. For the only time in four years I said 'no'. Briefly, with no explanation, I refused - just said I had plans.

When he turned up to get them he came in - doesn't usually - but refused to speak to me. I asked him whether he would be able to attend shows the dc have coming up - ds1 has a leading role. He replied 'piss off'. I asked whether he had the numbers of any cricket parents so I could maybe arrange a lift for ds1. He replied 'fuck you.' This is in front of the dc.

He then texted to say he would not be taking ds2 to his dress rehearsal as they needed to go to a sound check for this gig. What a boring, shit afternoon for the dc. I feel guilty as I should have just agreed to have them, but I couldn't stand to think of my free weekend being snatched away at the last minute as I felt I really needed it. He does nothing with the dc when he has them - last Sunday they sat in on screens all day. I think his behaviour in front of them was appalling and I imagine he will be telling them it's my fault he's being evicted.

In September I want a new arrangement in which he will have them eow and that's it. I'm sick of being messed around and actually think the time they have with him is detrimental. With ds1 starting sec school, I think two nights a week (1 evening and one over-night) will be problematic as he won't help with organisation/supervise homework etc.

WIBU?

Bearing in mind I'm normally highly supportive of RP's I'm stunned at YOUR behaviour.

Why did you refuse him 50/50 when he'd been sahd? Child support is NOTHING to do with contact arrangements and you're unreasonable to include it as such. In addition what they do when with him, providing not dangerous, they're not being abused/neglected is none of your business. You seem to be one of those parents that think kids need to be doing something 'worthy' every waking hour. Where actually as a teacher you should know they need down time too.

Yes, annoying if he changes plans last minute, that does need addressed. But the rest - you need to chill!

Have you spoken to your dc about seeing dad and how they feel? If they want to see him then I think you should enable this. But that doesn’t mean being the back up childcare.

State days and times and if he doesn’t come your kids will see him as he is. If you stop them seeing him the kids will blame you for it- mum Won’t let us see dad, where as Mum let’s dad see us on x y and z days but he’s always late/doesn’t come/ doesn’t do anything with us reflects on him as a parent not you.

I think you're reasonable to say that you need to have firmer dates/times because all the disruption is causing too many problems. So he has them on his agreed days only, no swapping. If he can't manage those days, he needs to give you x days notice (? if you want to offer this) or arrange his own alternative childcare.

But at the same time you can renegotiate what those agreed days are. Ask if the arrangements are working for him, or if he'd rather do something different.

Graphista I didn't agree to 50/50 because it wouldn't have been in their best interests. He takes responsibility for nothing, so I would be in the position of having to sort everything while not actually being with them - a logistical nightmare, and detrimental to the time I have with them because I have to cram in every little chore while his time is all free time. As it turns out, as you can see from my post, he didn't really want 50% as he hasn't kept to the times we did agree to, so had I agreed to 50/50 I would have been picking up his slack even more than I have been already.

I also am not linking his non-payment to them seeing him less. It's there to explain why he was shitty with me, not as my reason for cutting contact.

I also don't insist on the dc doing things all then time. As I said, last week we did very little on Saturday. A whole weekend of it is a bit much imo, and he doesn't even interact much with them. Ds has described him as 'distant'.

No wonder he's an ex. He sounds like a lazy man child. How dare he swear at you in front of the children, what a horrible example to set. I am shocked that a Father cannot pay a pathetic £16 per week without moaning about the expense. He needs to grow up and get a job like us other mere mortals then he would be able to pay rent and support his kids. YANBU to want to have an arrangement that he will stick to.

I’d say to him that if he can’t do contact on his days then he needs to be responsible for childcare arrangements those days, so it’s probably best if he only has them on days he can commit to.

Don't use your dc to piss him off. That's shitty.

Why is it okay to impose on the op but heaven forbid he should put himself out for his own children?

I wouldn't be using them to piss him off. I don't care enough about him anymore to get any sort of kick from annoying him, and it would indeed to be a shitty thing to do. I just want to have some control and stop this fallacy that he is committed to the arrangement we have when he isn't.

I agree with a PP and have a chat with your children to see how they feel but definitely invite their comments rather than prompting them. It might be they wan to keep the same amount of contact as they already have but at least it's their choice. Then I would go back to mediation / solicitor and explain the constantly letting them down at the last minute isn't fair on them but also leaves you with very little time to arrange alternative childcare arrangements.

No way am I going back to mediation. I spent nearly 3k on it last time just for him to ignore it when it suits him. I agree about asking the DC in a non-prompting way. They don't seem to be missing him much, it has to be said...

Op . I would also be telling him he is not welcome in your house as he cannot be abusive to you in your own home

I think your ex needs to grow up. It feels as though the kids come second to his other arrangements. He needs to commit to the contact arrangements, the kids needs this constancy I feel. If he can’t look after the kids he needs to sought something out. He may ask for your help here but it’s an ask not a given.
The swearing in front of the kids is ridiculous and immature.

So was his contact through court order ?
just thinking if you change it and he takes you back to court you may not have a choice. If it as an agreement between your selves then I suppose it would be up to him to take you to court for more access.

No court order. There is no way he will ever take me to court.

If he would never take you to court then do what you want.

Still not getting why you have the right to deny him 50:50 residency, it isn't your call to make. Seems you have partly engineered this problem by doing that.

I'm amazed by the misogyny on here sometimes. I have outlined a situation where a man has consistently reneged on an agreement we made over a 4 year period. I have described how he shows favouritism to one child and how he verbally abused me in front of both of them, and has never paid anything towards their upkeep over the four years, And yet I have done the wrong thing by not wanting him to have 50/50 residency? Is it likely that he would have been reliable had he got 50/50? Really? And it is my call when I am the only one of us to prioritise the children. Who else's call is it? how the fuck have I engineered him into being an arsehole?

Fuck me, but you're getting an unnecessarily hard time over this!

4 years you've been picking up his slack, with no financial contribution either? I'd be raging about his unreliability and although there's no link between maintenance and contact, it all goes to make your life harder while you're the only one looking out for the DC.

With 'together' couples, you hear people saying all the time that they had to be a SAHM because DH's job has such unpredictable/long hours that someone has to commit to being available for the children. Both for emergencies and their general wellbeing. Yet it's somehow possible to be the sole breadwinner and be on-call at all times once you separate??

I know there are loads of single parents that have no other parent in the DCs lives for whatever reason, and it is of course possible to manage. But in that position, you can at least make plans - you're not at the whim of someone else.

My advice would be to have a non-judgemental chat with the DC then work out exactly what YOU think would be best for them, based on DCs views and needs, and sensible logistics - then get a solicitor to write a letter suggesting new arrangements (be it different timings, notice of changes, methods of communication, whatever) and inviting his response.

If he won't sensibly engage, you can at least say you've tried. You can't make him be a better dad, you can only shield your kids from the fallout and yourself from a breakdown...

OP...I have read your post twice and cannot for the life of me see what you've said that prompted the first reponse you got

He sounds like a flaky dickhead who wants his kids around when it suits him & is quite willing to use you for free childcare when he doesn't.

And abusing you when he's asked to pay £16 a week child support?

And the issue of 50/50 - this is not a question of "ask and you shall get". Arrangements like this need to be negotiated with both parties to fit with the particular circumstances of the family. OP did negotiate and was firm that, for whatever reason, 50/50 wouldn't work. What's wrong with that? If the ex didn't like it he could have gone to court.

I don't know what the answer is, I'm afraid, but I don't think you've done anything wrong. He sounds like an arsehole.

Abusive, unreliable, lazy and selfish.

Cutting contact sounds perfectly reasonable. Why should everyone have to dance to his every whim?

Bizarre response from someone earlier.

I hope you have an easier year when you're able to get properly organised.

I think you should text or email your ex and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is no longer welcome in your home and the verbal abuse towards you in front of your children will not be tolerated again. Save the text/email so you have proof in writing of this incident.

I would also put in writing that he has consistently not stuck to the agreement you both came up with 4 yrs ago and you are no longer prepared to mess the children around anymore. Reiterate the agreement along with the days hes supposed to have them. Tell him you will not facilitate any changes to these times and if he cant see them on his agreed days then you will not be swapping with him as its disruptive to you and your children. Honestly he has you arranging your life around his schedule and its not on. Some men do this because they like having control over their exes. Gives the pathetic twats a little thrill to know he can still control you. Of course he could just be a grade A dickhead.

I would mention that he has not paid any maintenance in 4 years and then report him. They can take his measly $16 out of his wages.

YANBU op hes messed you around long enough.

If he can’t do 30% not sure how he would manage 50%.

at some of these responses! The guys a dick. A verbally abusive, manipulative, sponging arsehole

No yanbu. You have done more than enough accommodating in this situation. Whilst I agree that it needs to be led by what the kids want in regards to the amount of access to their father, it's also fine for you to set your own boundaries. One of them would definitely be that he is NOT ALLOWED IN YOUR HOME. Total shitbag for speaking to you like that anyway, never mind in front of your kids

"shock at some of these responses!"

It's par for the course these days.

"OP...I have read your post twice and cannot for the life of me see what you've said that prompted the first reponse you got"

Par for the course these days...

He was supposed to still have them every other weekend but casually sad he couldn't have them last weekend then texted Sat evening saying he was coming after all and would have them Sunday. This was annoying as I'd planned a day out for Sunday and not done a lot Sat, but I let it go.

Don't let him pull your strings. He cancelled. That's it. He doesn't get to uncancel. Don't let him do that again. And don't let him in your house again. He's playing power games with you. And swearing and acting abusively in front of his children is done deliberately - he gets to hurt you, then hurt you again because the children saw and he knows you wouldn't want them exposed to that, so awesome. You need to set down some firm boundaries that reduce your contact with him to a minimum, at the very least.