To cut dc's contact with ex to bare minimum from 30% following his shitty behaviour?

[theduchessstill]

He was sahd before we split 4 years ago but he never wanted to be the RP. He wanted 50/50 but I refused and at mediation we agreed to 70/30 to me (ish). Over the years he has been consistent about the 3 week nights a fortnight he has them, but less so about the every other weekend and holiday time. I'm a teacher so always more than happy to have them during the holidays.

There was a period of about a year when he kept asking me at the last minute to have them at 'his' weekend as he had a gig. I was happy to oblige, but it was annoying being taken for granted. Over the holidays, on the one week ones he quite regularly makes a fuss about wanting them for half the time - I usually offer 3 nights/4 days, but on the longer ones he tends to quieten down. Over the summer he sees little of them as he tends to 'disappear', often only appearing to take ds1 to cricket matches and not bothering to arrange alternatives for ds2 who doesn't like cricket.

A few months ago I finally put in a claim for CS and it hasn't gone down well. I know he has a tiny income, but he hates working so it's largely his own choices that have put him where he is today. He has accused me of wrecking his life, being money-grabbing etc etc. He is supposed to pay me £16 per week, but as yet I've not received a penny, yet it's apparently my fault he may be evicted!?

A few weeks ago he told me with one day's notice he would be working away for a month due to my actions. It put me in the shit with childcare for the two afternoons he picks them up as all the clubs etc are now fully booked, but luckily my h/t was understanding and I can leave early twice a week just til we break up. As a sec school teacher who teaches mainly exam classes, I hardly have a timetable at the moment so it's quite good timing.

He was supposed to still have them every other weekend but casually sad he couldn't have them last weekend then texted Sat evening saying he was coming after all and would have them Sunday. This was annoying as I'd planned a day out for Sunday and not done a lot Sat, but I let it go. He was supposed to have them this weekend instead, but texted Friday night to say he has a gig and could I have them.

I'm exhausted. As HoD I have stacks to do at work following a year of being under-staffed, I have had stupid shit like plumbing and car problems, I've had an ear infection for ever and generally feel under the weather, I'm doing moderating and exam marking to get spending money for the summer, the house is a shit hole, ds1 is in a cricket team and does 2 matches a week, meaning we are out of the house 5.30 - 9pm, ds1 has a birthday coming up I'm trying to sort out. I'm on my knees. For the only time in four years I said 'no'. Briefly, with no explanation, I refused - just said I had plans.

When he turned up to get them he came in - doesn't usually - but refused to speak to me. I asked him whether he would be able to attend shows the dc have coming up - ds1 has a leading role. He replied 'piss off'. I asked whether he had the numbers of any cricket parents so I could maybe arrange a lift for ds1. He replied 'fuck you.' This is in front of the dc.

He then texted to say he would not be taking ds2 to his dress rehearsal as they needed to go to a sound check for this gig. What a boring, shit afternoon for the dc. I feel guilty as I should have just agreed to have them, but I couldn't stand to think of my free weekend being snatched away at the last minute as I felt I really needed it. He does nothing with the dc when he has them - last Sunday they sat in on screens all day. I think his behaviour in front of them was appalling and I imagine he will be telling them it's my fault he's being evicted.

In September I want a new arrangement in which he will have them eow and that's it. I'm sick of being messed around and actually think the time they have with him is detrimental. With ds1 starting sec school, I think two nights a week (1 evening and one over-night) will be problematic as he won't help with organisation/supervise homework etc.

WIBU?

"I'm amazed by the misogyny on here sometimes."

I'm amazed by the number of women who think that not standing in solidarity with another woman / holding a different opinion is misogyny.

Did you post to ask if you were being unreasonable or to have people agree with you?

Can I check on the ages of the children . I thought I read the oldest was 11 because much younger than that while you can ask about their feelings you decide what is in their best interest . I stopped contact with my Ds and his dad when he was 3 as it was damaging for my Ds. Different circumstances to your post op. But young children don’t get to decide everything in life.

So he was the main carer wanted 50/50 then you had all the power and refused should of been a joint decision. Not been clear on why you refused 50/50 that seem totally resonble presume you work full time.Guess it all went down hill from there.

Omg only on mn is it the woman’s fault the dad doesn’t turn up for contact 🙄. Not the fact he seems more interested in his band thankids .

Also incredulous at the initial responses.

That sounds just awful OP, my sympathies. Can't believe someone has said that being concerned how your children's time is spent is 'nothing to do with you'. They are your children and this is their childhood! I know you can't affect what they do when they're with him but naturally you're going to evaluate whether the time is actually enjoyable for them! I would be so upset by this situation.

It is totally unacceptable that he has so little regard for your routines and life, and also for the time he could spend with his children.

I agree that structuring less weekend time sounds better for all. He can do his top priority (more gigs), you know what you're doing and your kids won't be let down. He could see them midweek (you said this worked ok) and maybe one in 4 weekends? Might make him more likely to value that weekend time.

Also don't accept him in your house if he's verbally abusive. Awful for the children to see and entirely unacceptable for you to be spoken to like this.

Massive sympathies. You sound a great parent and he sounds an absolute waste of space.

(How you could be berated for not agreeing to 50:50 when describing this situation is beyond comprehension!)

Have to say I'm also amazed at the bashing you're getting OP. If he hasn't managed to maintain contact for the 30% what the hell would he have done with 50% ?? Probably left you scrambling round for childcare at short notice. How would have 50/50 Have even worked anyway with school etc ?? I think as many PPs have it's time for a review of arrangements as what's happening now isn't working for you. Firstly ask him to be honest about what level of contact he will realistically stick to because there will be no more cancelling at the last-minute. Perhaps also leave it up to him to initiate contact.

Was he actually the main carer or did he just do before and after school care and left you to organise everything else, because his behaviour since doesn't seem like 'main carer' behaviour, more like someone who doesn't like to work and SAHD seemed like the easy option.

Depending on the ages of the DC, I'd speak to them and work out what they want then get a solicitor's letter outlining the proposal.

And sympathies for the 'on your knees' bit, I'm related to a number of teachers and they're all on their knees by this stage!

They are not 'your' children, they are 'both' your children. Do not use the children as weapons.

every other weekend sounds v reasonable in the circs.
dont forget to tell the csa. he might owe you 17 quid a week then!

I think eow is reasonable & he must stick to it - no swapping or cancelling allowed. Once he proves to the kids that he's reliable, you could maybe increase contact to one night during the week

You don't deserve a bashing OP.

We've been asked, as grandparents, to look after grandchildren in similar situations. DD having planned something for a free weekend and then having to scramble round sorting out childcare when the ex decides he has something better to do. And despite said ex having a willing family to step in, he pushes the problem back to DD because he's such an inadequate prick.

For what it's worth, I reckon he'll renege on any arrangement or childcare split. If he can't be arsed now, he's not going to step up any time soon.

Seriously, 16 pounds a week that he hasn't managed to pay. He takes no responsibility for arrangements or after school commitments, can't be bothered during the long holidays, slithers out of contact at the drop of a hat, disappears for a month at short notice for I am persumibg a poorly paid gig and he swears at the OP in front of the children - and she is getting a hard time.

Go ahead OP

Ate people just going to pick holes in everything that is said again on mn single parents are not allowed to say my children only couples together can use that term .

My ex hasn’t seen his Ds in 7 years , people would look at me deranged if I said our ds

Thank you Starlight and everyone who has been supportive. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, but, Christ, I don't expect to be blamed for his inadequacies and I find it baffling people berating me for not wanting him to have 50/50 when everything I have written shows he couldn't cope with 30%!

I don't actually think I've used the term 'my children'. Someone did on my behalf, but the same poster also referred to them as 'his children' later in the post, so no idea why someone had to jump on it. Seems there are quite a few people here lately who jump on the odd key word and don't seem to read things properly. They also issue soundbites like, 'don't use the children as weapons,' which sounds good, but isn't what I've suggested doing. I've considered limiting contact so the children and I will know where we stand and won't be constantly being let down by him. Not sure how that's using them as weapons...

No one says 'our children' when referring to their kids usually anyway. I certainly don't. Saying they are my children doesn't in any way mean they aren't also his.

Perfectly reasonable now to say to him 'look, I've tried to be flexible when you've asked for it and in return, I've had grief when I haven't fitted in with exactly what you wanted, and no financial support for the kids. So now we'll do it by the book, you can pay via the official system and have the kids at the agreed times. If you can't or won't do any of that, the consequences are on you'.

If he was so keen to have 50/50, he could have proved himself up to it by being an exemplary parent in his 30/70 share of time and going to court for 50/50. I notice he hasn't done that.