To delete SN worker off my Facebook?

[OryxFawning]

NC as details are personal and outing.

My DD went to a wonderful early intervention centre for Children with ASD and SN. The staff and workers were absolutely amazing, I can’t fault them.

Coming towards the end of term the other mums and I (all in a Facebook group together) decided to get the major key workers and staff that we primarily interacted with presents. This included a young man that worked as an office assistant and who has SN.

After we left the centre he proceeded to add all the mums (including me) on Facebook. I accepted because another mum had said “X wants to personally thank us all for the gifts so he’s added us on Facebook.” Assuming because our settings don’t allow messages from non friend of friends.

I thought that would be it but no. He constantly ‘waves’ and ‘pokes’ me on Facebook and there is a new message asking “How are you?” Or “Can we have coffee?” Every hour, I’ve tried ignoring but he continues to send these messages until he gets a reply.

At the start I engaged (and tried to avoid coffee question) but it is exhausting and I don’t particularly want to meet him for coffee, I didn’t have that kind of relationship with him. I would say hello to him when entering the centre and goodbye when leaving but that was it.

How do I deal with this? How do I explain I don’t want to meet? Or rather I don’t need to be asked how I am every hour?

I was considering deleting him but just randomly doing that seems cruel and another mum tried to do that but proceeded to get messages from him asking why she removed him. I’ve never been in a situation like this before and I don’t want to hurt him but this is constant.

Block himrestrict him if you don't want to unfriend him tbh you should have unfriended as soon as he added you

"I'd prefer to keep the relationship absolutly professional, so would rather not go out for coffee, i hope you understand."

I have two dc with Sen and with my 9 year old I tend to be quite honest because I think he needs to learn. Social rules don’t come naturally to him so I teach him. So I would be nice but blunt. I remember going to a talk by a man with autism. He spoke about how a 16 year old kept messaging him and he said he was blunt and honest as this boy needed to know it wasn’t socially acceptable. I’m not saying be rude. But I am saying be honest and non ambiguous and leave no room for interpretation. It probably feels unnatural but hopefully might help in the long run. If he doesn’t accept I’d speak to the centre and block.

And just say no tocoffee you are not responsible for his feelings

Have you told him that you don't want to see him? Or are you just ignoring him? He likes you and whilst he's very persistent, if you've not answered him that might be why he keeps asking.

This included a young man that worked as an office assistant and who has SN.

You need to tell his line manager, nicely. I'd be surprised if this didn't compromise the centres social media policy. He has SN, he's also vulnerable and needs to have it reiterated that picking up people on SM isn't appropriate.

And yes, delete and block.

Have you (and the mum he sent messages about her removing him) talked to the centre about it? They should know about this if he is working for them, and would be in a position to support him to tone down the behaviour and learn how to cope if people he doesn't really know don't want to be friends on social media.

He really shouldn't be adding ex members anyway it is crossing the line

Treat him as you would treat anyone with SEN. Realise that you DC may do something like this one day so you need to just be fair and clear with your social expectations. Respond: "I enjoy saying hello to you when we are in the office but I do not like it when you message me on facebook or poke me. I am not angry but I would like you to please stop doing that. Thank you". That and I would also limited profile him.

If he responds again, say "John, remember what I said about not liking being messaged on FB or being asked out? Please stop it"

Agree with what Kate said you have to tell him in a very matter of fact way that is not acceptable- professional boundaries etc.
Tell him no give him the reason why if he carries on then have a word with his line manager

Speak to manager

No I responded to him as I thought he was just being friendly/grateful for the presents then the questions started every hour along with the other things.

I had considered telling his manager but I thought that would seem rude, perhaps? I’m not sure really and don’t want to seem like a dick. I was going to gently tell him that I didn’t see it as appropriate but I didn’t know how much confidence it took for him to do all this and felt guilty. As well as giving him the gifts I think maybe it could have sent the wrong message even though we didn’t want him to feel left out.

What Zoe said. Think about how you’d like it dealt with if your adult child was maybe lonely and struggling with social boundaries. I’d be clear and kind. And if it was continuing I’d sensitively approach the centre.

CaptainKirkssparetupee

"I'd prefer to keep the relationship absolutly professional, so would rather not go out for coffee, i hope you understand."
this is why you should never add school staff ect never

Treat him as you'd expect your DC to be treated as an adult. Nicely, with respect. Nothing wrong with correcting him but be kind with it.

You need to be clear and honest with him pp are right, and don't feel an idiot contacting the manager they maybe don't know he is adding people on facebook

Captain, I like your reply. Pleasant but straight to the point.

I mentioned it to the other mums on the group and one didn’t think it as inappropriate as we had left the centre so I this only encouraged my feelings that if I went to the centre I’d be seen as a twat.

Report it so his line manager can support him. No blame, just concern over inappropriate behaviour. If you just delete or block, he won’t understand and next time he might get in way over his head. He needs to learn and understand. Help him.

DS1 has ASD, and we’ve found that with him, sometimes we have to be very explicit when communicating with him.

I don’t know how this young man is affected by his SN, but I’m wondering if he may also have trouble interpreting social cues and behaviour?

Going with that as an assumption, I’d reply with something along the lines of CaptainKirkssparetupee’s suggestion - “I'd prefer to keep the relationship absolutly professional, so would rather not go out for coffee, i hope you understand." Maybe add something about not wanting to chat online as well.

Your child will be an adult in the blink of an eye. My DS is, and has ASD. Even if the other parents don’t see the problem for them, can they not see the bigger picture?

You really need to let the centre know that he's doing this if he is still helping out there.

If he isn't, send him a message saying you're having to delete your FB account as it's been hacked, you enjoyed being FB friends and wish him well for the future. Then delete him as a friend and block so he can't see your profile anymore.

I work with families they come and go from the place it is understood no facebook adding it just crosses the line I think most places have that social media policyas I said the centre maybe don't know he is adding

What Captain has said, and then delete and block him, only if he keeps trying to contact you, then you can go to his manager.

As you don’t go there anymore, I agree with delete and block.

Why not message him to tell him that you're going to be deleting him because you're only keeping people that you actively meet up with (or something equally plausible) and then delete him? That way he's deleted but without having his feelings hurt. Win, win.