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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to invite both fathers to party

45 replies

Mommasbighouse · 08/07/2018 02:33

I have 3 children, DD1 is 13 and her relationship with her father (Jack) is great. DS (5) and DD2 (4) have a different father (Mark), who was a part of DD1's life since she was 7 until we broke up when she was 11 at which point he stopped 'parenting' her but still loves her, buys her presents, will take her on days out with his 2.

Her 14th birthday is in 2 weeks and I was intending on inviting both BDs but Jack has kicked up a fuss about Mark being there as he has always been almost jealous that Mark also has a good relationship with her.

I know she would want both of them there, I can't ask her as it is a surprise. Jack is childish enough to refuse to go if Mark is there.

AIBU to invite both? Should I give Jack his way knowing she would be upset that Mark wasn't there too? Or should I run the risk of her dad not being there and that upsetting her? I feel I've been left in a hard place because of Jack. Any advice?

OP posts:
Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 08/07/2018 02:37

Really tricky. However it's your daughter's birthday and i would choose the option that she would want. Perhaps remind her father too that it's about his daughter not him.

Monty27 · 08/07/2018 02:44

O that's children for you.
Oh sorry you were talking about the dads?
Just tell them to grow up. The one that is jealous I mean.
And it's not about them anyway. It's about DD. I hope it can be sorted and you all have a wonderful time. Smile

Skittlesandbeer · 08/07/2018 02:52

I’ve heard of families doing ‘shifts’ in these situations. Dad 1 comes for the first half, Dad 2 for the second half. Grumpiest Dad gets first shift, so there’s a chance they’ll stay on once they see how ridiculous they’re being. The communications have to be very clear and all agree though.

Personally, I’d send the same text to both dads (so they know they are both getting it ie dear jack & mark). I’d say that DD would obviously want them both there. They are loved for themselves, not because they represent some abstract or competing concept of ‘dadness’. That it would be so sad for her to realise both weren’t selfless enough to come. I’d give a few details about the event like ‘I’m sure no one expects you to sit and chat like best mates, there’s plenty of space & other guests for everyone to do their own thing’ which sometimes helps calm everyone.

Frankly I’d offer each the other’s number and ask them to sort out a solution between themselves like grown ups, shifts or ground rules or whatever. And to please keep foremost in their minds that it’s about HER in these precious years.

Good luck, and happy party prep!

SandyY2K · 08/07/2018 03:35

Mark isn't her dad though is he.

He's a man you had a relationship with and was part of her life for a while. He wasn't even her step dad as you weren't married to him.

That's how Jack will see it...but Mark is her siblings dad...so he wasn't just any passing boyfriend.

It's great that he gets along with her...but I think I'd be somewhat upset if my Ex felt my child had another mum...when I'm the only mum.

Having said all that..you can invite who you want to the party. You are hosting it...not Jack...or not joint hosts.

If he really doesn't come because Mark will be there...it shows how childish he is.

Monty27 · 08/07/2018 03:44

If he can't be a grown up he's not welcome. Simple.

Ivorbig1 · 08/07/2018 07:06

What Sandy said.
Mark isn’t her Dad. Separate arrangements would be more suitable, she doesn’t have two Dad’s, she has one.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 08/07/2018 07:11

So if you were still with Mark... Jack wouldn’t come to any parties then either? Or would he still expect Mark to disappear?

I don’t think you should make allowances for his pettiness, invite them both and he can decide for himself if he would rather miss out due to childishness.

hidinginthenightgarden · 08/07/2018 07:13

Invite them both, don't tell Jack.
If he sulks when Mark is there too, that is on him.

gamerwidow · 08/07/2018 07:21

Invite them both tell Jack to grow up. He should be grateful Mark has always has such a good relationship with his DD1 so she’s never felt pushed out by the new family.
Children feeling loved and secure trumps parents feelings of jealousy.

Hellywelly10 · 08/07/2018 07:33

Does dd want mark there? My tween would chose to do something with friends over a family party anyway. Howeverthis issue will come up again, so you can make a plan with her and decide how much contact she wants with Mark.

Juells · 08/07/2018 07:39

It's fairly normal to have people who don't get on, in this kind of situation. Invite them for different times if you want. I think you're being a bit arbitrary to be making a decision for your DD though - if she knew about the party, which of them would she like to be there? I suspect it would be Jack. If you invite both and Jack decides not to come because Mark is there, or comes and sulks, how is that making the day about your DD?

Mark was in your DD's life for four years. That's really not very long. Jack will be there always.

Summing up, Your Honour... I'd invite Jack, not Mark. It isn't your party, it's your DD's.

lapenguin · 08/07/2018 07:41

I would invite both of you think she would like that
Maybe explain to Jack that he's not a father figure to her, more like a cool uncle. She's got her dad and has her dad he should be able to put aside his insecurities for her party. He was part of her life while you two were together and he will remain part of her life as the father to her siblings. It's not like you are inviting some random ex you no longer have connections to.

Bezm · 08/07/2018 07:46

First of all, how would your Dd feel with both men there? Would she feel uncomfortable? Would her dad make a fuss at the party? If so, this could really spoil it for her. Does step dad understand the problem?
She would most likely be more upset if her dad wasn't there wouldn't she?
So, speak to both men, explain the concern and see what they say. Step dad may be gracious and not come. He could take her out separately as a treat.

Angrybird345 · 08/07/2018 07:47

Why invite mark? Don’t get it.

Tjzmummabear · 08/07/2018 07:50

Mark might not be her Dad biologically but he helped bring her up from 7 -11 and has a continuing ongoing relationship. He still takes her out alongside his own biological children. Kudos Mark. He sounds lovely.

I'd second the shifts idea

Juells · 08/07/2018 08:02

@Angrybird345

Why invite mark? Don’t get it.

TBH I don't either, and think the OP is being a bit unfair and selfish. The birthday isn't about her, it's about her DD. So the OP brought another man into her DD's life for a few years, and had children with him, what's that got to do with anything? 'Jack' is her father. My ex was an arse, but I still wouldn't have dreamt of doing anything that would have impacted on his relationship with my DDs.

Mark has/had a relationship with you, and you all seem to get on well together. But he's more like an uncle to your DD, surely? Jack doesn't feel the same way about the cosy arrangement you and Mark have, and he's entitled to his feelings as well.

YABU I think.

raspberrysplit · 08/07/2018 08:05

Unless there’s some back-story like Mark and Jack used to be best mates until you cheated on Jack with Mark, or Mark’s always gone out of his way to compete with Jack and try to replace J in his daughter’s affections, you should invite them both. If Jack is childish enough that Mark being invited would prevent him from attending just because he’s jealous, then he certainly doesn’t deserve special treatment in the form of Mark being made unwelcome when your DD would like him there.
If J decides not to attend, then that’s his decision and though your dd might be upset, that’s J’s fault, not yours, and unfortunately she’ll have to find out some time that her Dad is too selfish to put her first on her birthday.

If J would come but then behave poorly so that the party is ruined for your dd, you don’t invite J. If he’s going to behave like a child you definitely don’t give him special treatment, rather he doesn’t get invited until he learns how to behave.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 08/07/2018 08:15

I don't get why you would invite him, it's all about you not her.

At 14 it should be a party for her friends with mum and dad chaperoning.

BlueBug45 · 08/07/2018 08:18

@Juells it isn't about Jack or Mark.

Mark will always be around as he is DD's 2 siblings dad. Jack has to get use to the idea that if there is a family occasion where her siblings are present then Mark will very likely be there.

OP get Jack to come from the beginning and get Mark to pop in later. Also make sure Mark is aware how insecure Jack is as if he is as nice as made out he will know when to step back.

jay55 · 08/07/2018 08:53

I thought most 14 year olds would go to the pictures and Nando’s with their mates for their birthdays.

Juells · 09/07/2018 06:49

I thought most 14 year olds would go to the pictures and Nando’s with their mates for their birthdays.

Haha, good point jay55 My DDs wouldn't have been interested in having adults around if they'd had a birthday party.

@BlueBug45
it isn't about Jack or Mark.

Exactly. So why bother inviting Mark? It's the DD's birthday, I'm sure she sees Mark throughout the rest of the year if he's seeing her younger siblings. But no, because of all this adult shit he has to be shoe-horned into her birthday to prove how well it all works. Well, obviously it doesn't work that well for Jack. It's not Mark's birthday, leave him out of it.

How long before there's a wonderful third father figure around as well? 😂

BlueBug45 · 09/07/2018 06:54

@jay55 true

@Juells that's why Mark can be invited or pop in.

Juells · 09/07/2018 07:33

I don't understand "that's why Mark can be invited or pop in". ?

FiestaThenSiesta · 09/07/2018 07:42

Christ, if you ever used the phrase “she’s got two dads” in front of Jack, I can see why he doesn’t want Mark invited. She has one dad.

Juells · 09/07/2018 07:46

AFAICS this is all about the OP's relationships with men instead of being about a 14-year-old's birthday.

Don't invite any adults, have a party for teenagers. Also, I think you should accept that Jack is her father, not Mark.