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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to invite both fathers to party

45 replies

Mommasbighouse · 08/07/2018 02:33

I have 3 children, DD1 is 13 and her relationship with her father (Jack) is great. DS (5) and DD2 (4) have a different father (Mark), who was a part of DD1's life since she was 7 until we broke up when she was 11 at which point he stopped 'parenting' her but still loves her, buys her presents, will take her on days out with his 2.

Her 14th birthday is in 2 weeks and I was intending on inviting both BDs but Jack has kicked up a fuss about Mark being there as he has always been almost jealous that Mark also has a good relationship with her.

I know she would want both of them there, I can't ask her as it is a surprise. Jack is childish enough to refuse to go if Mark is there.

AIBU to invite both? Should I give Jack his way knowing she would be upset that Mark wasn't there too? Or should I run the risk of her dad not being there and that upsetting her? I feel I've been left in a hard place because of Jack. Any advice?

OP posts:

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/07/2018 07:52

Surely her birthday party should be for her and her friends? So she won’t want any awkward adult dramas impacting. Do something separate to celebrate later with her ex-step-dad? and get her dad to take her out separately too?

MorningsEleven · 09/07/2018 08:08

Why put your child in the middle of all this? Do you really want her overriding memory of her party to be her father and your ex facing off?

DamsonGin · 09/07/2018 08:10

Invite Jack to the whole thing and Mark to pop in?

diddl · 09/07/2018 08:17

What has happened in the past?

Sparklynails7 · 09/07/2018 08:17

Just invite Jack because he is the birthday girl's dad. Mark is her half siblings' dad, not hers.

Sparklynails7 · 09/07/2018 08:20

OP, how would you feel if Jack organised a birthday party for his daughter and invited you and some ex he broke up with 7 years ago? Would you be 100% happy with that?

Juells · 09/07/2018 08:24

@Sparklynails7

OP, how would you feel if Jack organised a birthday party for his daughter and invited you and some ex he broke up with 7 years ago?

"But it's diff'rent. Mark's her second Dad..."

NataliaOsipova · 09/07/2018 08:32

Invite Mark. Point out to Jack that life is hard and it is bloody lovely for your DD to have someone else on "her team". None of this takes away the fact that Jack is her father. As her siblings' dad, though, he is basically part of her family, even if no blood relation, just because of the relationship that they have. Jack is being petty here.

worridmum · 09/07/2018 08:33

Bet the OP would hate her DD having a second mum... aka jack had a partner for same amount of time as the OP.

She has 1 dad the same as she has 1 mum your ex boyfriend is not her second dad just like jacks partners are not her second mum...

NataliaOsipova · 09/07/2018 08:35

Bet the OP would hate her DD having a second mum... aka jack had a partner for same amount of time as the OP.

Why would she? If this hypothetical woman had been kind to her DD, included her DD in things she did with her own kids, looked out for her, was a positive influence in her life? Why would she hate that?

gamerwidow · 09/07/2018 08:37

It isn’t just some ex though. It’s someone who lived with her DD and parented her as a step father for a period of time. I would let your daughter be the guide. If she wants them both there then invite both otherwise just invite her dad.
My niece is still very close to my sisters ex who is father to her siblings but not her. When you become a blended family you care for all the members as your own family this doesn’t stop just because the romantic relationship breaks down unless there are other reasons like abuse.

BrexitWife · 09/07/2018 08:52

I thought most 14 year olds would go to the pictures and Nando’s with their mates for their birthdays.

Well actually both my teens would not miss the family meal for their b’day for the world.
They still have friends round etc... but this is some sort of family tradition and it is important to them too.

Cloudyapples · 09/07/2018 08:56

Pp seem to be missing the poInt I think - mark isn’t just ‘some ex’ he’s been a major father figure in dd’s life and continues to be despite having split from op. Ultimately no one can say he is or isn’t her second dad except from dd - how she feels about her relationship with each of them is all that matters. If not a father figure, he at the very least could be consider an ‘uncle’ figure? Maybe you could sell it to jack as ‘you will always be her dad, mark is like a much loved uncle and dd would like him there.’

Juells · 09/07/2018 08:58

@NataliaOsipova

None of this takes away the fact that Jack is her father.

See thread title "AIBU to invite both fathers to party"

Jack may have good reason to believe his position as father can be usurped by any random male that the OP feels like.

NataliaOsipova · 09/07/2018 10:13

Juells I just took the "both fathers" thing to refer to the fact that Mark was the father of her younger children; i.e. both the fathers of her (the OP's) children, rather than both fathers of her daughter (if you see what I mean - all rather complicated, I grant you!). The OP probably does think of them collectively as "the fathers".

greenlanes · 09/07/2018 19:03

If you are hosting the party on your own presumably M is there to supervise his young children? Assuming that DD siblings will be at the party.

I would have a quiet word with M about his role and suggest that perhaps there be an additional celebration with that side f the family so that his role at this party is minor.

Then you can with a totally clear conscience say to J that M will be there as he is helping with his kids.

Smellyjo · 09/07/2018 19:14

Wow you are getting some very odd replies here OP. You have been clear that DD would want Mark there and has a relationship with him. I don't see how this is about the OP's wishes at all, she wants to protect her daughter from hurt, which she believes she will be if either is not there. No one is saying she has two dads but he has been a big part of her life. Are people just judging op for being in two relationships?

OP, this does sound really very difficult. My instinct is to be clear with Jack that this level of childishness is not ok and that if he chooses not to come because of this, then you will have to be honest with DD that this was the choice her dad made, and that he will have to discuss that with her. In reality though I realise this will hurt her and you want to avoid that. Do you have enough of a relationship now with Jack that you could sit down for a proper chat about it? Maybe if you show understanding about his insecurities and offer some reassurance that he is still her dad despite her good relationship with Mark, he could come round?

RealSLOAH · 09/07/2018 19:28

I really like the idea of staggered shifts. I feel you have the choice between one upset adult or three upset children. I know which option I’d take.

JayDot500 · 09/07/2018 20:19

So people here are really going to say 'Mark isn't her dad' when he's done a great job of being 'family' to her . Mark has done well to maintain her daughter's respect in an area where so many males fail (my own ex step dad included).

Jack is insecure and shouldn't be pandered to, or HE will upset and let down his daughter, not the OP.

Iwantawhippet · 09/07/2018 20:41

You are hosting a party for your DD’s birthday. You’ve invited the guests she’d like to be there.

One of them has decided not to come. His decision.

Not your problem. Not your daughter’s problem. Perhaps he’ll decide to celebrate separately, another party or take her for a treat. Why should you bend over backwards to help out?

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