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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands always working

33 replies

Lalameme · 07/07/2018 14:24

My husband works 7 days a week 52 weeks the year self employed we have probably spent 4 Saturdays together in 5.5 years only as we were in honeymoon and he worked some hours gay Saturday and I was seriously ill in hospital one of the other Saturdays
Today he’s working all day but can find time to watch the England Football Match.

Someone on here told me if he wanted to take time off he would they are right although he’s addicted to his work he would if I was important

Makes me sad

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/07/2018 14:28

Have you spoken to him about spending more time together? Is it definitely unnecessary work? Being self employed does mean you have to make sure you're bringing in enough money. I don't know what he does but maybe he thinks he needs to work that much. What do you do for work?

Lozxx · 07/07/2018 14:31

I feel pissed of today about the football, my partner works most weekends and today was suppose to be family day but he's off to the pub and leaving me and our son. Men are so infuriating.

Shoxfordian · 07/07/2018 14:33

Can you go with him? Football is also infuriating Grin

Lozxx · 07/07/2018 14:58

I can't with a one year old, see I love football😆

Original poster
Lalameme · 07/07/2018 15:30

Yes I’ve told him he earns a lot money but he’s addicted to it seriously.
I’m self employed too we work from home and that isn’t quaility time together.

He works 7 days a week 52 weeks the year and his daughter comes here and I have to do everything for her as he’s sat on the computer working.

I’m cross as he tells me he can’t take time off on Saturdays but he’s sat watching football

I suppose someone pointing out to me he chooses to work 7 days a week d not take time off had made me feel really down. As they are right.
I have said that to him many times I just think a stranger pointing it out has slapped me in the face with reality.

He’s having a house built so needs as much money as possible but I always say at what cost ?

OP posts:
Alicatz66 · 07/07/2018 16:08

There are worse addictions than working OP ... you wouldn't want to be with a loser who sat on his arse all day would you !!!! .. use some of the money to get a cleaner and get your ironing done and go and do some fun things !!! .. my DP works a lot .. will take Work calls at any time ... but it's what makes him tick ..

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 07/07/2018 16:23

HE is having a house built ! HE ? Not we are . Are you not having input ?

greendale17 · 07/07/2018 16:34

I feel pissed of today about the football, my partner works most weekends and today was suppose to be family day but he's off to the pub and leaving me and our son. Men are so infuriating.

^I am going to have to completely disagree with you on this. It is an important quarter final match that last happened 12 years ago. Why would you begrudge your husband watching it?

Original poster
Lalameme · 07/07/2018 16:39

Isaid I paid 3/4 for the land and he paid 1/4 and he’s paying for the house build although I pay for all the other life’s needs he doesn’t listen to my input he employed a scamming builder and now has employed a project manager both against my wishes

Alicia Lol I know what addictions are my father ex husband best friend and brother are all alcoholics my father died aged 54 due to his addiction
So yes I have been around adding ya my whole life and I’m sorry you think it’s okay for your partner to work all the tome and not have a life me personally I married him to have a partner not someone who has to put the computer first.
Your DP works a lot what 12-14 hour days 7 days a week 52 weeks the year until he gets so exhusted he can’t function ?
Don’t think SD thinks her dads addictions is good for her sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lalameme · 07/07/2018 16:41

Green

I think a relationship is more important than football ?
If he usually spend time with her then fair enough but my alrtnwr never takes tome off as he said he can’t as work but he can for football

I think your misiang the point
They aren’t making time for they’re partners as they obviously are too comfortable in the relationship that they don’t think they have to make effort - unfortunately no effort = no relationship eventually.

OP posts:
FatSally · 07/07/2018 16:46

Every day of the year?

It's living to work. I couldn't deal with this and would honestly LTB if he wouldn't cut down.

Original poster
Lalameme · 07/07/2018 16:53

What’s LBT ?

OP posts:
IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 07/07/2018 17:08

LTB is a abbreviated way of saying “ leave the bastard ( or bitch ) “ in Mumsnet parlance.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 07/07/2018 17:15

Is he trying to just secure the families long term future with the house ? Or do you think that he will just replace this goal with another when the build ends ? and still work the same gruelling hours. I do think it’s not very nurturing to not include you in decisions with regard to your family home. Flowers

CherryPavlova · 07/07/2018 17:16

My husband used to work (actually still does) very long hours, doesn’t use his leave entitlement and was away a lot when children were young. He did it, leaving me with all childcare and most household responsibilities to progress his career and provide for his family then and in the future. It enables us to have a good life now, to live in a nice house, to have a good standard of living where we could help children get on the housing ladder, pay university costs and where we will be able to afford to help with weddings.
Sometimes that was tough on all of us. We worked out ways of being together (traipsing around the country when he spoke at conferences etc) but there is no denying that if you want to be successful you have to make sacrifices as a family (unless you were born into privilege- but even then maybe). His perspective may well be different but what you need to do is communicate so you are clear about shared goals and areas of compromise. .

HollowTalk · 07/07/2018 17:20

Does every hour he's working bring in money or is he just faffing around a lot of the time?

Original poster
Lalameme · 07/07/2018 18:10

Thanks lol for the LBT explanation

No I have said hi hi once you’ve the house you’ll find something else to aim for so you can stay on heh pc all day - he’s promised me if he does he will get therapy as he knows he will lose me and his daughter. He’s made massive mistakes with the house so won’t tell me so I can’t say I told you so etc.

I abeee we have to all work hard to be successful but I’m nearly 50 I spent all my life working hard from aged 11 yes 11 to today I had my own business and Jones and lost it all when I split from my ex’s so yes I agree but we aren’t hoing and I nearly died in 2015 of late babyloss to sepsis and I see my life ticking away in another man who’s addicted and neglecting his relationships.
I have communicated we have discussed I’m soft so he always wins

He is probably faffing about some of the time but he earns a lot money I just think we should have a work life balance
If you don’t put into something it won’t grow and the only thing growing is his bank balance

Thanks for replying

OP posts:
mindutopia · 07/07/2018 18:33

When you’re self employed, working that much is a choice. My dh is self employed. He works 8:30-5 to fit around family life, so he’s home for dinner and does bath/bedtime every night. He does admin work as needed from the sofa next to me 8-10 on week nights. He does work some weekends in the summer when it’s busy, but otherwise is home every weekend. We have loads of quality time as he’d rather do a few late nights from home than miss out on quality time as a family. His attitude has always been what’s the point of being self employed and having all that flexibility if you can’t enjoy family life, do the school run, be at the nativity play, etc.

Original poster
Lalameme · 07/07/2018 18:45

Your husband is fortunate to be able to work tide hours my husband can’t its difficult to explain but his earnings aren’t at set times a day and can be long hours on one thing

But I will say if he wanted to spend time with me his daughter and my children I know he would he’s proved it like today he was able to watch the football he’s also been away twice for a weekend tinsee friends and once to visit family

It’s obvious why he chooses to work as he doesn’t want yo be around us or he’s so addicted he can’t.

I have a lot money tied up in the land the house is being built in and if we split he’d have to buy me out so maybe that’s another reson he smoky stays with me but that’s doesn’t explain why he doesn’t spend the with his child or friends tbh

OP posts:
PollyPofter · 07/07/2018 18:49

My partner the same but doesn’t earn much but won’t take time off to spend with me but will go to a football match costing 50/70 quid

Original poster
Lalameme · 07/07/2018 18:51

Prolly what do you want in life ? Ok tired of all this he just doesn’t see it’s not good for a relationship

OP posts:
thenightsky · 07/07/2018 18:53

Can you plan your own Saturdays and just not factor him in at all? Then he'll have to care for his own daughter for a change.

I've had 37 years married to a workaholic. I have my own hobbies, friends, plans etc and don't bother to include him any more. I often go away for whole weekends without him.

If I ask him to take annual leave you'd have thought the bloody sky was falling or something. He gets 35 days leave and uses about 10 days every year, max.

Original poster
Lalameme · 07/07/2018 19:01

@thenightsky

All my firiemds spend the weekend with they’re partners and the ones with no partners I lost them as DH made it difficult for me to meet up with them when we were first married he didn’t w at me going out without him I know stupid now looking back I listened.

I don’t really have much money I pay half the bills and but all the house needs I clothe is all whilst he put all the money away to build the house so I can’t affords to do much as I simply can’t afford it.

After today I am contemplating telling him from next week he can coo for himself and his daughter on the 3 days she’s here it will show her he’s doing what a parent should - I will get well as in cooking for everyone else why is it so hard to cook for 2 more.
Last year his daughter was here 7 nights a week I did everything for her I’m just soft and he knows this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lalameme · 07/07/2018 19:03

Plus what’s the point in being with some one who spends no time with you ?
I am wasting my life for what reason ?
He’ll gwt his house nothing will change then what ?

OP posts:
HyacinthsBucket70 · 07/07/2018 19:12

My DH is self employed and works 6 days a week. On his day off, he does his hobby. But in fairness, he's here most evenings and now I work in the office with him 3 days a week we spend quite a lot of time together.
I really struggled with it a while back though, and made a point of finding myself a hobby and going out with my mum/DDs or the dog so I wasn't reliant on DH for occupying my time. I'm quite independent anyway, and love a day driving somewhere with the dog with a chair, picnic, my camera and a good book.
My other stance is that I won't spend my time doing what DH doesn't get time to do. His working hours and hobby time are his choice, and I'm not here to pick up his slack. Do you do things for your DH that enable him to behave like this? Perhaps that would be somewhere to start with this if you do........

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