I'm a horrible person

[thishitthaticecold]

Help me - my own head is driving me insane.

I get so worked up over the tiniest little things and it’s ruining my relationship. The smallest thing will piss me off and it’ll play on my mind for days to the point where I give OH attitude/silent treatment for days.

I got FUMING the other day because Little ones grandma spilled his juice over his book by accident. I don’t “kick off” at shout I just sit and stew and overthink and work myself up.

Please don’t tell me I’m a horrible person. I know I am. I want to be different and I don’t know how :(

I’ve always been like this but think I’ve become even more uptight since being a mum (I don’t get worked up with/over my child)

It's like I want everything to be perfect and I feel like I'm the only one who is able to.

I'm a controlling idiot???

Basically you need to take ownership of your behaviour and learn to control your emotions. By admitting you have a problem you're halfway there.

And yes at the moment you're very controlling.

I'm literally becoming my own mother and I hate it

I'd recommend cognitive behaviour therapy, to learn how to intervene and give yourself a new way to behave. See your GP as soon as you can if you can't go private.

In the meantime, when you catch yourself doing any of those things, say 'STOP' to yourself and imagine a big red STOP sign. Then tell yourself 'do something constructive' - focus on doing a task, write a shopping list, plan tomorrows dinner or something til it passes.

Thank you for that advice. That's really helpful. I'm feeling very upset and down at the person I am 😩

You aren't a horrible person. It sounds like you might have anxiety. To get worked up and stressed over minor things is a symptom of this, to want everything to be perfect and worry when it isn't is also a symptom.
You could try some CBT.

CBT or talking therapies could help to get to the root of the anger and help teach you calming/distraction techniques.

If you sit and stew for a few days then that tells me you have issues with communicating how you feel. Could you write your partner a letter each time it happens? Sometimes it’s easier to get feelings down on paper than to verbalise. Even if it’s just over something “silly” like some juice getting spilled.

Are you happy with most aspects of your life? Sometimes depression can manifest as a short fuse

Ok. So take responsibility for it. Everytime you feel like that take a moment, reflect, realise you're being unreasonable, and carry on behaving reasonably. You're an adult, act like one.

Sounds like you have anger issues which cause you to behave in very unreasonable ways.
Look in to counselling for yourself, continuing to bottle up your reactions will eventually lead to an explosion that will ruin relationships and damage your child.

You need to learn how to express your emotions in a healthy way. Anger isn't necessarily bad. It's just a feeling. What you do with it is what up need to address. CBT would be worth looking into? Self refer via iapt or go to your GP.
You're not setting your child a good example

You say you dot get “worked up” with your child, I’d be very surprised if that were true.
I don’t say that as an admonishment, and you certainly don’t need to say something here that would be hard to admit to but it’s important you’re honest with yourself.

Can I access this sort of thing though my employment private health care schemes? I feel like by talking about it, I'm admitting defeat. Does that sound silly? I know I need to.

And yes, I'm generally happy in other aspects but I feel like I'm very up and down, given the issue I'm trying to address. I'm not sure I fit into depression?

And I know @Stirner I'm trying which is why I'm asking for help

Could it be hormonal? I am the most irritable person during PMS, ovulation time and also during my period. I’m calm and lovely the rest of the time.

its worth calling up your company health insurance providers to see if cbt or similar is something they cover.

But, this is something that's in you gift to control NOW. You're not helpless.

The smallest thing will piss me off and it’ll play on my mind for days to the point where I give OH attitude/silent treatment for days.

That's a form of abuse.

You may well be able to access therapy through an employee health scheme.

By talking about it you're acknowledging you need help. That's a good thing. Failing to get help is being defeatist, and making others have to continue to live with your behaviour is not in any way acceptable.

Personally I think "sitting and stewing and overthinking" may make this sort of thing worse. I'm definitely better when I have a chance to safely express my annoyance with stuff.

You're not a horrible person because you realise that your behaviour is wrong - genuinely horrible people think they're in the right and enjoy spreading misery.

There will be deep-rooted reasons for your behaviour and some sort of therapy should help. good luck

I'd been assessed by the NHS as suitable for CBT so DH's private healthcare provider was willing to pay for me to see someone privately.

In the meantime perhaps something to stop the ruminating? When I've been a bit obsessive about something I've put an elastic band on my wrist, then when I find my brain travelling down that well-worn path I snap the band so I get a good zing on my wrist, which gives me a chance to re-direct my focus onto something more positive.

Hi

The fact you notice yourbehaviour for what it is means there's a massive chance you can change it.

Stuff like the grandma spilling juice, as soon as you catch yourself resenting it, ask yourself: will this matter in 5 years time? You can even say in your head: 'Never mind. Doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things' (even if you don't feel like it's true, say it. It will help you strengthen your sense of perspective.

When someone annoys you, think of three things she's done that are well-meaning, helpful or kind. For every angry thought, stop it and think three nice ones. That way you really do get your mind onto a more positive track. If you can't think of three nice things they've done, or it's a stranger, think of three questions about them (e.g. some tosser cuts you up in the street, ask yourself: I wonder if they're really stressed about being late for a meeting? I wonder if they're on their way to hospital? I wonder if they're in a pointless rage today and taking it out on the road?

Check your policy has mental health cover. If it does, then anxiety is something they'll pay for. Ask your gp for a referral.

If you can’t get counselling types of help on private insurance then go to your GP.

It will be worth it, as you’ll feel a lot happier with yourself if you can control your emotions better.

“ I feel like by talking about it, I'm admitting defeat.” You know this is wrong though don’t you?! By talking about it, you’re making a great step forwards to becoming both a better person, and a happier person. Which are both pretty big and laudable aims.

Giving up would be carrying on using the same old behaviours to deal with anger, which involves inflicting really upsetting behaviour on your close family and loved ones. Giving up would be deciding that your loved ones must suffer rather than you try and deal with your demons. Giving up would mean that you decide you yourself must stay miserable and hating yourself for behaving like this, and staying stuck in your own head never changing and never trying to reach out for help to change...

Reading back that paragraph to myself, giving up sounds pretty bloody miserable! But you’re not doing that anymore, you are starting to make moves to change this miserable way of living.

@MinaPaws oh my god. That's amazing advice

Thank you everyone. And I'm sorry.