I'm a horrible person

[thishitthaticecold]

Help me - my own head is driving me insane.

I get so worked up over the tiniest little things and it’s ruining my relationship. The smallest thing will piss me off and it’ll play on my mind for days to the point where I give OH attitude/silent treatment for days.

I got FUMING the other day because Little ones grandma spilled his juice over his book by accident. I don’t “kick off” at shout I just sit and stew and overthink and work myself up.

Please don’t tell me I’m a horrible person. I know I am. I want to be different and I don’t know how :(

I’ve always been like this but think I’ve become even more uptight since being a mum (I don’t get worked up with/over my child)

What are you sorry for?

You've noticed your behaviour isn't normal. Being angry about a spilled drink is not normal, never mind stewing for days. It doesn't mean you're horrible, yes your behaviour is, but it more likely means you're not well.

See a doctor, explain your issues, we can't diagnose you but it reads so far like anger issues, anxiety, maybe ocd.

See a doctor, there will be something causing it. If you'd a sore leg you'd see a doctor, it's the same if something is wrong with your head. The first step is recognising it isn't right. And you've achieved that.

Thank you @Bluntness100

I'm going to speak to my partner today and explain I realise there's an issue and that I'm going to seek help so I can talk about how I feel, rather than bottling everything

It's like I want everything to be perfect and I feel like I'm the only one who is able to.

Nothing is perfect.

Nothing is going to go perfectly.

You cannot control other people's thoughts, behaviour or reactions.

When something goes 'wrong' and doesn't go according to your perfect script, it doesn't ruin everything.

CBT helps you realise that and how to work through strategies to cope.

I've PM you

I'm a bit like this. Slightly different but I used to fret about how even lovely things could have been better. Day trips, food etc. I used to go on and on about what we sh9uld have done to make the thing perfect. And I find it hard to let go of unspoken rage about quite small things. Eg, a wedding on an inconvenient date.

Atm you're being unkind to yourself. Remember that we are all equally deserving of happiness. That includes you. Just as you are kind to other people, be kind to yourself too. Your thoughts and feelings are not you. They are just the way you currently think. You don't intentionally set out to harm the people around with your stewing and obsessing. It harms yourself at least as much as anyone else.

I recommend you give yourself a pat on the back for your self- awareness. Then read up on Buddhist meditation. Even meditating for a few minutes a day will be helpful. If you have a Tri- Ratna Buddhist centre near you they will probably offer classes on meditation. You might want to read about and try the Metta Bhavna meditation. Basically this along with buddhism in general aims to train your default mood to one of wishing all beings well. Ambitious eh? Western buddhism requires no religious faith and is open to everyone.

You don't sound like a horrible person to me. Just someone who is imperfect. Like every single other human being. If you have low self esteem it can be hard to accept your imperfections without beating yourself up about them.

@rogueantimatter It's honestly never even crossed my mind at any point that this could be a bigger issue (you mention low self esteem for example). I genuinely just thought I was a pain in the backside!

It's really making me think of the bigger picture. Thank you for you reply

You are most welcome. Take heart, self- development is a life-long process. There's every reason to think you can successfully tackle this behaviour. If you think you're a horrible person then imo you probably do have low self- esteem. Tbh, I'd imagine many if not most modern women are socialised to have low self- esteem. But that's digressing.

I've had on and off issues with anxiety and depression. I know when I'm not doing well I'm mega snappy, I don't always kick off but I feel annoyed.