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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make her go to her dad's?

48 replies

Dhalandchips · 06/07/2018 22:58

I have DD(9) & D's(11). DD simply doesn't want to stay at her dad's overnight. We split up rather acrimoniously about a year ago. He lives in a one bedroom flat and has got a sofa for the DC's to sleep on. He has said we have to show a united front and tell her "it's happening" and"there'll be tears and tantrums but she has to come" . This doesn't sit comfortably with me and smacks of bullying. But of course, I'm being accused of "not giving her the right messages". I have tried to get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go and she comes up with various excuses (his flat's too untidy, she doesn't like the sofa, he makes her feel guilty for not wanting to go, etc) AIBUforce her to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dhalandchips · 06/07/2018 22:59

Apologies for dodgy typing on phone with sausage fingers

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 06/07/2018 23:00

Hang on. He expects her to share a sofa bed in a shared space with her brother? No wonder she doesn't want to go!!

Grumpyoldblonde · 06/07/2018 23:01

Two pre-teens sleep on one sofa?
Would you like that?

LoopyLou1981 · 06/07/2018 23:01

I haven’t been in this position but is there any chance of all 4 of you being in the same room and discussing it?
Maybe she needs to see that you’re ‘ok’ with it (even if you’re not) in order to go without feeling guilty x

Aquamarine1029 · 06/07/2018 23:01

So long as your ex is an attentive dad and there is no history or risk of abuse, I would tell her she is going. I would tell her that her dad loves her very much and wants to spend quality time with her. The presence of a good dad is so critical for children and I think you should support and encourage their relationship as much as possible.

ProudThrilledHappy · 06/07/2018 23:02

So they are sharing a bed? They are a bit old for that at their age, surely?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/07/2018 23:03

Perhaps you should get her her own comfortable inflatable bed for when she is at her dad's.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 06/07/2018 23:03

No at 11 I wouldn't force her to go if she didn't want to. I would try to do what it sounds like you're doing: listen to her, try to get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go and if there was anything that could be changed to make her more comfortable. I think in fact by forcing her into a situation she's not comfortable with you'd be "sending her the wrong messages".

Marriedwithchildren5 · 06/07/2018 23:04

Surely dad and ds share the sofa bed? My dd has real issues over mess/untidyness. It would absolutely be a reason for her not to go somewhere.

eggncress · 06/07/2018 23:05

I wouldn’t make her go.
What was he like with the dcs before you broke up?
I would want to make absolutely sure she wasn’t being treated badly so would do some more delving.
Have you asked ds how things are at his dad’s?
I don’t think kids would mind about untidiness or sleeping on a sofa if they were genuinely enjoying being with someone.

blackteasplease · 06/07/2018 23:07

Does he need to be in a one bed flat financially? Can you tell him he has to make proper provision for her re sleeping arrangements or she isn't coming? Doesn't sound ideal to me.

Also he won't get her to want to spend time their by bullying her and making her feel guilty. He needs to make her feel secure there and like she will always be listened to.

blackteasplease · 06/07/2018 23:08

I was wondering if Dad and ds could share the bedroom and give her the sofa bed to herself?

RandomMess · 06/07/2018 23:12

Has she previously willingly slept at other houses?

If so I wonder if it's a control thing, she needs some control and that's what she has picked.

Perhaps DD should have the bedroom and DS should share sofa bed with Dad?

I think there is an element that she does need to stay over, life has changed, you need to be able to get done child free time.

You can give her options like phoning with her at 9pm to say goodnight etc

This is assuming that she had a decent relationship with her Dad prior to the split and still does with her brother.

Original poster
Dhalandchips · 06/07/2018 23:25

I will suggest the swap around of sleeping arrangements, that may help. He is affectionate, but when it suits him. He was very good at zoning us all out when he lived with us. DS enjoys going because he has WiFi and all the TV channels and a games console. He can't work due to illness, so is limited as to where he can afford to live.
There is definitely some control issues with her atm, she is very picky over food (previously would eat anything), won't sleep in her own bed at home, will only sleep with me. I will admit to being 'soft' on her because they were both witness to some horrible situations at the end of the relationship (eg ex calling me a cunt in front of them). They are getting support at school because of his illness and the breakup. DS and DD are very close, and very supportive of each other too. DS is fiercely protective of me. I will also suggest the phone call thing.
A night off would be nice!

OP posts:
Cheerbear23 · 06/07/2018 23:28

Perhaps you should get her her own comfortable inflatable bed for when she is at her dad's.

No, maybe her dad should get her an inflatable bed for at his own house - not the OP.

ProudThrilledHappy · 06/07/2018 23:28

I dont want to be alarmist but your dd has suddenly decided she doesn’t want to sleep anywhere but with you, and is now resisting sleeping over with dh.
It sounds like she has some issues with sleeping away from you, perhaps you need to speak to her about this and ask if there is something bothering her?

Wolfiefan · 06/07/2018 23:33

Called you a cunt? And you wonder why she doesn't want to spend time as the only female with him?
If she can't sleep without you then I can't see how she can go.

Kpo58 · 06/07/2018 23:37

How far away does your Ex live? If he only lives 5 mins away, could she come home at bedtime and go back when she wakes up, but before breakfast?

Grumpyoldblonde · 06/07/2018 23:37

Your mention of food and control and what she saw at the end of your relationship ring massive alarm bells because of my own situation. Please don't brush this aside will you?
With mine this has escalated in a way I never expected, it's dreadful and if only I'd seen the signs. Please talk to her gently, take her seriously and get help if she needs it. Truly id hate you to end up like us.

Original poster
Dhalandchips · 06/07/2018 23:54

I am trying to take her seriously, but her dad is pushing the situation. I do not want to spend ANY time with him, childish possibly but he's a manipulative, gaslighting dick. He wants us to sit down together and talk to her but I know he will twist things and as DD put it "get all sarcastic" and I'll just lose the ability to speak coherently. I've had a lot of help to get me to a good place after the split and I don't want to jeopardize that. Tbh, if it wasn't for the kids, I'd have nothing more to do with him, ever. I just don't know how to persuade her to go, when I don't feel like it's the right thing for her right now. It's all a bit shit really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dhalandchips · 06/07/2018 23:56

I feel like he's still bullying me via DD

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 07/07/2018 00:00

From everything you have said I wouldn't make her go at the moment.

Original poster
Dhalandchips · 07/07/2018 00:06

I suppose I shall do the things suggested, let him know I've suggested them, and if she still doesn't want to go, I'll tell him I don't think it's in her best interests to force her. It's not him who will have to deal with the tears and tantrums. It's not him who will have to do the persuading. I think I will have to tell him he's pushing her away.

OP posts:
Solomonbitestheworm · 07/07/2018 00:17

I feel for you, I gently persuaded my daughter to spend time with her fuckwit father whilst she was growing up ( split up when she was one, not living locally so just school holiday visits) She never outright refused but would often change her mind at last minute not to go. She decided not to visit at about 13/14 now 16. She now tells me how guilty he made her feel for being homesick and not living with him.
Rightly or wrongly I feel this contributed to the development of pretty crippling anxiety and have regrets about encouraging contact.
All I would say is be guided by her, i’m sorry but his feelings come second and it’s your job to protect her emotionally.
It’s not easy, hope there is support for you.

CanaBanana · 07/07/2018 00:33

There isn't any specific legislation about kids sharing rooms but the NSPCC recommends that opposite sex kids over age 10 should have separate rooms. It's inappropriate for your 11yo son to continue sharing a bed with his sister. What plans does their father have for addressing this situation as the kids get older? Is he planning in a couple of years to have an 11yo girl (who has boobs and periods) still sharing with her 13yo brother (who has erections and wet dreams)? Both of them need privacy going forward. If their father can't provide this in his home then it isn't an appropriate place for them to stay.