Husband sends me a photo and asks if it's me...

[Alison111]

Whilst I was away with work this week, my husband sends me a photo of a clothed lady laying on a bed with her arms above her head with her eyes closed (can't see bottom half of the lady). Lady looks similar-ish to me, so he asks, is this me? I reply "No" but ask where he's got the photo from. I actually don't mind where it's from, even if it's from a porn site. Husband is refusing to divulge any more information, even when pressed. This has left me feeling very insecure. Any advice? Am I being unrealistic/paranoid persuing this?

Husband has drunk himself into a stupor after I questioned this tonight, so much so, I have had to pour away all of the alcohol left in the house after he went out into the street and started f-ing and jeff'ing at a guy putting a flying on his car windscreen. FYI - I am often quite insecure in my relationships so am aware that I could be blowing this out of proportion.

Maybe someone sent it to him suggesting it’s a bit like you?

Wherever it came from - this doesn’t sound like. Very good relationship to be honest. Can you get out easily if you chose to?

If it was someone or he even thought it wasn't you or was seeing someone else why would he risk sending it to you?

It could be from a chat app such as Radar rabbit or nearby. People post photos of themselves all the time on such apps.

What was his tone like when he asked if it was you? Did he sound accusing?

Does he usually drink so much then start swearing at people?

OP, can you get out of there easily? He sounds like he's winding himself up to something. Be safe.

Bizarre behaviour. Wait for him to sober up OP and then demand some answers

It's not you lovely. It's him.

Normal blokes do not behave like this - going out into the street to scream at someone putting a flyer on a windscreen and accusing their wives of posing for pornagraphic photos. Nope.

You may well be insecure, no doubt because of him, but you are definately not blowing this out of proportion. This is abusive behaviour. You do not have to put up with this.

And you will no doubt have more allies than you realise. I bet every single one of your neighbours thinks he's an utter arsehole. I bet they just love having him screaming and swearing in the street so their kids can hear.

You can do better. You can't change him. You can't make him a better man.

This all sounds really strange. If my DH sent me an image asking if it was me and it wasn't we would laugh about it, not become defensive/paranoid/insecure/drunk. What's really going on here?

Is it grainy like it might be a screenshot from a video?

Is it possible someone has sent it to him as ‘proof’ of you cheating? Ie you’re on someone elses bed.

It could be someone close to you trying to stir, and that’s why he won’t tell you who it’s from.

Is the drinking a regular thing or just tonight?

You're not blowing anything out of proportion. That isn't okay.

You sound like you lead a very bizarre life

So matter of fact about him drinking himself into a stupor and picking fights in the street. Like it's normal.

So, here's what I think:

I think he's already insecure about you or himself, feeling that you might be having an affair, or could be tempted to.

I think either someone's sent him the pic and claimed it was you, or remarked on the likeness (very unlikely), or he's discovered the image on a risque site (dating?) and then it's fuelled his paranoia or insecurity (much more likely) to the point he's almost convinced himself he's actually found you on the internet.

Quite how he's stumbled across the image is another matter, but I really would say he's paranoid and convinced himself it could be / is you.

OK, so what do I do?

This is precisely the sort of behaviour that happens if you arrive home 10 minutes late and it must mean you've been with a man, or if you come home a little tipsy after a night out, you've been drunk and had sex with someone. It's utter paranoia and will cripple a relationship.

Thank you X

You tell him it's not you, and ask him why on earth he thinks it could be you?

Then comes the more difficult issue... how did he 'stumble' across it?
I suspect he might be reluctant to answer that question.

Yes, I was away with work for 2 days. No affair. No reason for him to suspect an affair. So what do I do?

Yes, and that is exactly the point that he refuses to answer. Otherwise happy relationship. don't know what to do.

So what do I do? Nothing?

Hang on is nobody else bothered by I have had to pour away all of the alcohol left in the house

What kind of fucked up world do you live in?

Screw the photo. That's a distraction. Living with a violent alcoholic is your real problem.

I reckon he slept with someone when he was on one of these booze binges. He took this photograph and doesn’t remember anything. But now you’ve confirmed it’s definitely not you it’s confirmed that he has be up to no good...

All you can do is tell him the truth - you love him, you're not interested in someone else, and that he's utterly bonkers for imagining the woman in the photo was you.

But there has to be something inside him making him imagine it is / could be you, and that can only be because he's insecure. He might not admit that, but I can't see any other reason for his imagination to stretch / distort that far.

Was in a provocative pose? (not adult, but lying in a bed might be considered slightly suggestive). Is he looking to catch you out in some way, and thus every phone call, every late night, every text is viewed with suspicion?

I reckon he slept with someone when he was on one of these booze binges. He took this photograph and doesn’t remember anything. But now you’ve confirmed it’s definitely not you it’s confirmed that he has be up to no good...

Definitely not that.