Public event funeral :/

[anitagreen]

Sorry if offends anyone however a girl I know has miscarried at 15 weeks pregnant. Very sad and distressing I know and she has my sympathy.
However this is now turning into a public event and I find it very very bizzare. She's raising £1000 to have a funeral done for the foetus because she didn't want the hospital to do that. I wasn't even aware you could take it home with you if this happened?
And now she's selling tshirts £25 for adults £15 for children to wear to the funeral and if your not wearing one your not allowed in?.
I feel sorry for her but I honestly feel like this has turne into a money making opportunity and I feel awful.

What you consider a “foetus” she probably considers a much wanted baby and wants a way to mark its existence I suppose. It’s a very sad time for her and she’s entitled to mark it as she wishes, and if others wish to support her in her time of grief, who are we to judge?

Forgot to add on she has asked me to donate however it just doesn't sit right with me and I feel awful saying no but what am I actually donating to? It feels like a child has died

I just don't think it's right she's received a lot of backlash as she was recently selling her children's presents and asking for donations for something else a while ago it just seems like a huge scam. It's a tough topic to dictate what's right and wrong but god it doesn't sit right with me to make money of this.

Her child has died. Just because it hadn't grown to a certain measurement, no one has seen its face or held its in their arms, its still a very real grief.

After my third miscarriage I had therapy because I didn't feel I could publicly grieve something that society didn't fully recognise.

If you don't want to participate, then don't. But try to understand and empathise. That won't cost you any money

send her a sincere note of condolence and tell her you have donated to an appropriate charity in honour of her baby, but don't go to the funeral

send her a sincere note of condolence and tell her you have donated to an appropriate charity in honour of her baby, but don't go to the funeral

^This.

A lot of us have been there, more than once, but even so this seems odd to me.

Yes it is strange. But it’s an awful time and people behave in strange ways. I just wanted to hide away and not be asked anything g about it

Of course you can take your dead baby home with you. My baby died in the neonatal unit and I could still have taken her home with me if I had chosen to.

Generally hospitals give you the choice of cremating miscarried babies together and their ashes being scattered at a local crematorium or you can arrange a private cremation or burial. Many funeral directors don’t charge for stillbirths or infant deaths, and often churches don’t for the actual burial. However, there will be crematorium costs and also the expense of a headstone or similar.

Have a heart, this woman has lost her baby.

I do have a heart as I've been there myself but it just doesn't seem right to have a go fund me going already. And then still charge for tshirts on the day? Just seems really bizzare I don't think she would lie about being pregnant as clearly she must of been. I can understand the go fund me to raise the funds but if she has that for all costs then what have the tshirts covering? Its just so strange

Grief manifests in unexpected ways, and funerals are costly. Try not to judge, especially if it's a road you've not had to walk yourself.

I feel like the person you're posting about might hear about this thread, or find it in the news when a journalist decides to scrape mumsnet. On that basis, consider asking for deletion of the thread.

Grief is a funny thing. I had a breakdown after one of my miscarriages and spent several months off my tree on high dosage diazepam because it was the only way I could get through the day.

Hold your tongue, tell her kindly that you've made a donation in her name to SANDS or The Miscarriage Association, and let her process through it all in her own time.

For what it's worth, my understanding is that funerals are open to the public and they can't actually stop people going in just because they're not wearing the required T shirt.

She’s selling tshirts? Is this for real?

Is she trying to raise money to pay for the funeral?
I can understand that, but not the T-shirt business, unless someone offered to print them for free ? How would she know how many people are going ?

Sometimes I just don't know how to phrase delicately, and this is going to come out all wrong, but to have a funeral you need a death certificate, that will be issued to still births of 24+ weeks, not 15 weeks.

o/T our local council waives crematorium fees for child deaths, and I know how much they actually cost without the undertaker mark up (£75 and that's London) because I read the council meeting papers.

For what it's worth, my understanding is that funerals are open to the public

Church yes, crematorium, no.

I have been there more than once but I agree this is incredibly odd behaviour. I also wouldn't attend. I guess if it helps her come to terms with it that's fine but I wouldn't want to be part of it. It's very strange and sounds like she needs help

She's selling tshirts? What the actual....?

Really?

A loss of a child at any stage of pregnancy must be hearbreaking. But raising money for a funeral and selling t shirts seems completely bonkers to me. I know people greive in different ways. As mentioned I wouldn't go to the funeral but would donate money to a charity - only if you want too. You shouldn't be forced into any thing you don't want to do x

It's a bit odd isn't it.

She is grieving so it's fine to want to mark it but I don't understand why she's selling t-shirts.

I don't really want to drag names into it, but there have been some high profile child deaths, and supporters have all had T-shirts supporting the cause. Grief does do strange things, do you think this mum see's a t-shirt as symbolic that her child is every bit as important as those in the press?

But I actually think she's trying to pay for a funeral and like the other high profile deaths, a GoFundMe account is the way to do that. .

The t shirts aspect is weird IMO.

Sorry I can't seem to tag any names into my replies I'm on the app on iPhone and no idea how to do it. But yes she has a go fund me for £1000 going. And then her Facebook status currently says she is selling tshirts for the funeral and they are £25 and £15 for adults and then children, if you do not have a tshirt you will not be allowed in.. but my question is if she has the go fund me for £1000 surely she wouldn't need to sell tshirts? She says she's ordering them and will need to know who's coming so they can send her payment and when she knows a rough amount of people then the funeral will take place or you can make a payment on the day and be given one really is bizzare. I will make a donation to sands 100%. My close friend just lost her son at 34 weeks he was born stillborn and she is really freaked out by the whole turning it into a event thing

Your poor friend.

You can have a funeral at any gestation. My baby I miscarried at 13 weeks was buried with some other babies who were miscarried in the same month. I went to the service and it was similar to an adult's funeral which was a great comfort to me at the time and made me feel like my baby was as important as any other person who died.

Maybe that's what your friend is trying to do. Maybe she just wants everyone she knows to understand what she was pregnant and gave birth to a baby who she loves and misses. It's hard at that gestation because so many people view 2nd trimester losses as being like an early miscarriage but it really isn't. (Not that an early miscarriage isn't horrendously awful as well, I've had one of those too, it's just different).

Sometimes I just don't know how to phrase delicately, and this is going to come out all wrong, but to have a funeral you need a death certificate, that will be issued to still births of 24+ weeks, not 15 weeks.

You can have a miscarried babies remains cremated regardless of their gestation. However, we were warned that premature babies aren’t always big enough to leave ashes behind (our baby was big enough but it was something we questioned several times to make sure) so I would be surprised if a 15 week gestation was big enough. A church will allow you to have a memorial service, depending upon your religion and the vicar.

o/T our local council waives crematorium fees for child deaths, and I know how much they actually cost without the undertaker mark up (£75 and that's London) because I read the council meeting papers.

I think it is national that most funeral directors and churches waive fees (or most fees) for stillbirth or infant deaths. However, a miscarried baby’s remains might not come under this bracket and could incur charges. Not all crematoriums waive the fee either; as ours didn’t.