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AIBU?

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Original poster

Public event funeral :/

71 replies

anitagreen · 06/07/2018 20:06

Sorry if offends anyone however a girl I know has miscarried at 15 weeks pregnant. Very sad and distressing I know and she has my sympathy.
However this is now turning into a public event and I find it very very bizzare. She's raising £1000 to have a funeral done for the foetus because she didn't want the hospital to do that. I wasn't even aware you could take it home with you if this happened?
And now she's selling tshirts £25 for adults £15 for children to wear to the funeral and if your not wearing one your not allowed in?.
I feel sorry for her but I honestly feel like this has turne into a money making opportunity and I feel awful.

OP posts:
MadameGerbil · 09/07/2018 06:52

Someone could report the Go FundMe campaign with concerns. I have previously reported a potential scam which had blatantly copied another genuine cause. It for taken down pretty quickly. Reporting drop down options were fairly comprehensive, covering a wide variety of scenarios and you could add free text to outline your concerns

TheMonkeyMummy · 09/07/2018 07:29

Holy moly!

KittyHawke80 · 09/07/2018 07:49

Looking forward to a deluge of people insisting that flogging revoltingly mawkish merch is “just the way some people grieve” . . .

MotherforkingShirtballs · 09/07/2018 08:06

Looking forward to a deluge of people insisting that flogging revoltingly mawkish merch is “just the way some people grieve” . . .

But sometimes things like that are how some people grieve. There was a mum at the MC support group I went to who was 'flogging' homemade keyrings with her baby's name on. They weren't professional quality by any stretch of the imagination but she was putting her energy into making dozens of them each week because she felt like she had to have something to focus on, something to do, and she wanted her baby to mean something to other people as well as to her. But she was donating all the proceeds from the sales to support group. I'm sure she didn't make a fortune for the group but I have my keyring in a drawer somewhere, it helped her get through a difficult time, and the proceeds I guess paid for the teas and coffees for a few sessions of the group.

Anyone that questions where the money is going is now banned from the funeral and then being messaged on Facebook with the threats to be attacked.
I'm quite glad I've distanced myself now it's really disgusting and vile what this has turned into I have two kids under 3 and have been told to watch my back for being friends with others who have asked if the tshirts money was being donated.

That is absolutely disgusting. I was all for benefit of the doubt previously as grief can be such a tricky emotion but it looks like I was wrong. You were right to distance yourself, best to stay well clear of it all.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 09/07/2018 08:09

But... Does that mean she was selling memorabilia of her child at a group where you were all in the same boat; ie grieving for a child?
Who would want a key ring relating to someone else’s child in those circumstances?
Incredibly distasteful, and I’m not sure why you’re condoning it.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 09/07/2018 08:12

I understand that the woman in the op has lost her child and grief does funny things to you (been there...), but she sounds like a savage, frankly Hmm
No excusing that behaviour.

Annalogy · 09/07/2018 08:17

Yeah, no. The fact that she's not allowing people who question where the money's going to go the funeral is a major red flag.

I'd be far more supportive if she was raising money for SANDS, or such like.

I'd stay well clear, OP

LotsToThinkOf · 09/07/2018 08:21

Is she usually like this? It all sounds very extreme, if it's not her usual behaviour I'd be thinking she's unwell. Are you friends with any of her family or her OH? She sounds like she needs more support.

If she's usually so brazen then I'd go to the police and then cut her off completely. She sounds very unpleasant, the t shirt demand is particularly horrible.

Chuckle2 · 09/07/2018 08:28

Go to the police OP
Report the Go Fund Me page

Threatening people is completely ludicrous and she needs to be stopped no matter how upsetting her recent circumstances

Sloanriley · 09/07/2018 08:31

That is truly shocking! Send your condolences but sadly your children are unwell and you can’t attend.

Then report.

Twowilldo50 · 09/07/2018 08:35

Is it just me? It sounds a bit Celebrity reality tv-ish to have t shirts and everyone dressed the same. Is she thinking photos? At the local church there are often funerals and there is a real age divide. For older people everyone wears black, for younger people quite often people are told to wear a particular colour and we see groups coming out dressed alike but not wearing t shirts.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 09/07/2018 08:46

I remember being Hmm when the fundraiser for poor Charlie Gard branched out and opened up "Charlies Shop", which sold all manner of tat with his face stuck on them. Coasters, phone cases and air fresheners with his photograph on were amongst the products on offer. I remember "Smell the Success" was the tagline used to promote the air fresheners.
I'm all for fundraising, but you need to draw the line somewhere. A picture of someone else's child on a ventilator hanging from an air freshener on your car mirror does it for me. So do exclusive funeral t-shirts.

Trooperslaneagain · 09/07/2018 08:49

I've been there far too fucking often but this sounds way dodgy to me.

Funeral = fine.

T-shirts and raising money = shouts scam to me

and my behaviour and mood during grief and shock has been pretty extreme

Stoveding · 09/07/2018 09:02

I actually think it’s rude of people to ask her where the t-short money is going.

If you are suspicious, don’t donate and give to a registered charity only, as you have done.

But agrees with others, just stay away if you don’t like what’s going on.

Snowysky20009 · 09/07/2018 09:12

This all sounds strange.

WigglyBlossom · 09/07/2018 09:35

I'm curious as to what will e on the t-shirts?

YANBU OP.

Rockhopper81 · 09/07/2018 09:38

I don’t think it’s rude to ask where the money from the t-shirts is going - there is a GoFundMe page for ‘funeral costs’, so why are people being asked for £25 for a shirt so they can attend a funeral? The shirt effectively becomes your ‘ticket into’ the funeral, and that’s wrong - you don’t buy a ticket to mourn someone, or support people you care about.

If it were optional and the money was going to SANDS or similar, then people might understand a bit more.

I agree with the PP that said it sounds a little reality tv-esque really. I’m well aware people grieve in different ways, but to sell compulsory t-shirts and threaten anybody that asks where the proceeds are going - that’s wrong. Weird and wrong.

Original poster
anitagreen · 09/07/2018 09:47

Unfortunately she has been known to do stuff like this, she used to be ok but the past few years she has changed into quite an angry person her friends are all angry and not up to much either and they seem to be condonding whatever she does and say, even the mother is wrapped up in it and she can't do no wrong. I'm not sure what the tshirts will say at all either there a surprise on the day type thing. And the go fund me isn't doing particularly well either it says 25 days to go and they've reached around 10% of the £1000. I can't see it going ahead tbh as people are so wise to these types of things no one is willing to risk donating.

OP posts:
LilacIris · 09/07/2018 20:46

Someone could report the Go FundMe campaign with concerns. I have previously reported a potential scam which had blatantly copied another genuine cause.

The tshirts are not part of the Go Fund Me page and I doubt raising money for a funeral would be seen as a scam. As I have said above, even though most fees for babies’ funerals are not charged, there are costs for lots of other things such as anything other than a standard coffin, crematorium fees (this varies), headstone, flowers, gifts to put in the coffin, funeral procession cars etc. As much as I agree with you that it all sounds quite dubious, although we don’t know the full story to make a judgement on it, I can’t see how on the surface this looks to be a scam or copying a genuine case.

OP from what you say you clearly don’t think of her as a friend and, regardless of what you think about her way of grieving and how genuine her actions are, what she needs right now are actual friends, so backing away and leaving her to it is the best thing to do.

adoggymama · 09/07/2018 20:54

An obviously heartbreaking event for her to have to go to, but I do agree that people these days do seem to be using crowd funders more often to get money they don't necessarily 'need' just because a tragic event has occurred.

Also- wtf is up with the tshirts?Confused that's just weird.

user1471447863 · 09/07/2018 22:00

In reality she is not going to be making that much money out of the T-shirts is she? How many people are going to 1: feel obliged enough to go to this funeral, and 2: be willing to stump up £25 for the honour?
I think she'd be lucky if she gets 20 people that will.
So 20 shirts at £25 each, less the cost of each, say £10 each (depends on quality/printing/volume etc) is only going to be £300 profit out it.
Seems a lot of effort for for only £300 + you are clearly going to piss off a lot of 'friends' in the process. She might be too involved to see that but surely her helpers/family are distanced enough from the grief to to tell her shes being crazy.

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