To expect ExH to contribute

[Chucklecheeks1]

Eldest DD stats high school in September. The uniform will come to about £300 if i shop savy. I have also been told she will need a laptop for homework after the first few months there.

I asked Ex to contribute half. He pays the minimum maintenance. He said he can't as he needs to live. DD just announced at the dinner table dad is buying a campervan.

AiBU to be slight put out he gave the reason that he's struggling for money as why he can't pay or is this how it happens and I have to suck it up.

He goes on three of four holidays a year (doesn't take the kids) and I had to fight tooth and nail to get him provide for them when they are with him EOW.

He's made me feel like I'm begging for something I have no right to ask for.

He’s an arsehole and thank god you’re no longer with him.

Tell the kids the truth.
That their dad buys things like camper vans and holidays but can’t contribute to uniforms and laptops.

If he's paying child support he doesn't have a legal responsibility to pay more.

It depends on the amount of his support , if you match it and add anything you claim for her like child benefits etc and it doesn't cover it from now till then he should realise that and help out.

Expecting him to, and him wanting to are two entirely different things. You can't force more money out of him, and be careful how you phrase it to the children if you follow PPs advice to tell them - think of their mental health and emotional wellbeing.

Obviously depending on age you should definitely discuss budgets with them, but they'll be no winners if you frame it as a dad bashing exercise...

Eldest knows the truth. It's not amicable between us as he was thrown out after an affair, moved straight in with OW and introduced her to the kids within two months (this was three years ago).

I didnt want to mention that in OP as didn't want people to think that's my motivation behind the post. My life is great now but he can't move on. He won't speak about the kids because after being emotionally abused for ten years I finally learnt to say no.

I've never met his partner (He has told the kids we are incompatible) and he keeps his life very separate to his kids. They are not allowed to do sports at the weekend as it's his time and he wont take them they are not allowed to contact me when with him and eldest csnt contact her friends as its dad time. He then wonders why she fights going.

The more I write the more I realise I'm not being unreasonable at all.

I won't be telling the kids though. They'll realise soon enough.

I should add i only ever speak positively about him and his partner. She does most of the childcare when they are with him and for that im very grateful. My is is woth his behaviour now not the affair.

I think it is horrendous HR does not want to contribute to uniform and school items etc and would choose holidays however I agree with PP be careful not to stare this as your children may think they are not worth his money.it is a difficult situation to be in.

"he" not "HR"! Silly phone.

He pays the “minimum maintenance”

Do you mean the amount set by the CMS?

CMS is minimum if you can bring up a child on £7 a week or some of the other low low amounts given good on you. Paying the amount set by CMS doesn't make the none RP a saint !

He pays the amount set by CMS. It will cover DD dinner money at high school and leave me about 150 for the rest of the month.

So no it doesn't cover everything.

@chucklecheeks1 please don't think my post is aimed at you. I become quite infuriated when the RP is expected to be grateful for CMS which can be a complete pittance!

150 of his child support left or left at all?

I have no advice regarding your ex, eho sounds like a prize twunt, but Inrecemtly bought my dd a reconditioned Chrome book for £109. Saved a ton of money and its fantastic.

Genuine question, because my son starts grammar school in September: where does 300 quid come from? Because I’m hoping I can do it for half that, and I’ve seen nothing in the uniform shops to disabuse me of that. Ex is a dick, btw. As if the amount set by CMS represents a carefully worked out calculation. I represented a woman whose ex busked at Covent Garden. She knew it was a bit ‘feast or famine’ and was prepared to take less in the lean periods, if he was honest about the good stretches. But he went through CMS, who decided he had to pay . . . £3.75 per week. And he sometimes made several hundred a day.

My DD has issues with her feet so has to wear special shoes that fit certain insoles. Now she is in adult sizes the shoes are £80 minimum.

Her blazer which can only be purchased at one shop is £60, trousers the same at £25 each, embroidered shirts at £15 each, jumper (not priced yet), embroidered socks, PE kit (which includes skirts, shorts, hockey boots, trainers, hoodies and t shirts).

It adds up.

Christ. No, I see that. Son’s blazer is thirty quid, which I thought was ok as mine (private school) was eighty plus - twenty years ago 😮. And I think I’ve been underestimating the PE kit, actually.

I can afford it but it means less day trips over the summer holidays. Ex gets to take them in the camper van whilst I save up for necessities. It angers me. We both decided to have the kids. She has to have the school uniform. It costs more than the maintenance for a month. The kids still need all the day to day things I usually spend the maintenance on. I just feel like any trips, sports, uniforms, birthday parties etc mean I have to sacrifice something.

I don't resent doing that for the kids. I resent doing that on my own.

How old are the dc? Isn’t it up to them once they hit 12 or so?

He sounds like my ex. He owes me £10k in non paid maintenance.

He also refused to take the children to their Saturday clubs. After 4 years I moved away and a year later he stopped seeing the kids. The kids emotional health is much much better so I won't be reinstating contact in a hurry.

My ex is now on benefits. So I get £7 a week.

Eldest DC same as yours is off to secondary. Uniform is absolutely £300 and we have to also pay monthly for the technology used in school.
The uniform changed this year so there is no second hand to be had. I've got football boots and PE trainers on eBay and socks / shirts from Asda and absolutely everything else is school branded.

I earn very little since moving away. I do now live with a fabulous partner and life is amazing. But I get no benefits bar child maintenance because of it.

I hate the cliche but in years to come there will be no pulling the wool over your kids eyes. They will see him with all his faults. They do see how hard you work and you are giving them an excellent example.

I often see school PE kits and embroidered bits for sale on FB. I've got 3 kids so could pass down PE kits. They get so little use they are in good nick by the time that they are outgrown.

£300 is totally realistic when buying everything from new. Our school has less embroidered stuff (socks? 😵) but school shoes (no Velcro allowed) and sports boots alone are £100 here. (My kids walk to and from school so can't wear cheapies from the supermarket)

I find it sad that one day they'll truly realise what he is like. That won't be a happy day for me even if it makes life at home easier.

My DD has over the last year started to realise and it has caused friction between her, her Dad and her DB who at 7 idolises and sticks up for him.

I dont say negative things about his irrational behaviour. I simply say he chooses to deal with things differently.

There have been many times I've wanted to be honest but i made myself a promise 3 years ago that i want to be able to look the kids in the eye when they are older and say i have never sad a bad word about him.

The problem is now DD doesnt contact him so he states its me stopping her. I ask her every day to speak to dad. I've made her a couple of times but it caused issues between me and DD.

When hes dropped them off an hour and half late and I've asked him to text me if they are late he laughs and walks off. DD called him a toddler and again he states shes voicing my opinion and i need to stop telling her things. He cant see how his behaviour is causing her response to him.

I leave work ealry to ensure I'm home for drop off. I then sit for what can be hours waiting for him to arrive with the kids. Last week he took them to the cinema instead of their swimming lessons (that i have to pay for). He wont text me as id have his number. I have no way of contacting him and dont even know where he lives just that its an hour and half away.

Its hard to keep calm but my counseelling advised grey rock and it works. But has caused even more irrational and extreme behaviour from him.

I was for a year only allowed to contact him about the kids through letters handed over by DD. He never responded to requests and i didnt like putting DD in the middle.

He was was told a few weeks ago that it will stop. I offered an olive branch. Clean slate and we should sit and speak to sort the school holidays etc out. He walked off after calling me stupid.

He reacted by forcing his last bit of control by not getting out of the car when dropping off. He simply lets the kids out and drives off. He doesnt even know if im in so i have to be back earlier than the arranged time as every so often he will be ten minutes early as opposed to late.

It gets tiring.

*He pays the amount set by CMS. It will cover DD dinner money at high school and leave me about 150 for the rest of the month.

So no it doesn't cover everything.*

It was never meant to cover everything though. Half of the responsibility is yours. If you have £150 left over from the child support after covering school lunches then that's half of the uniform cost anyway.

If she's at high school then lunches are at least £10 a week so if he's paying at least £200, you match that plus her child benefit and it's more than enough to feed, clothe and pay for her activities. Your other household bills you would have as as adult anyway just like the NRP has.

I get the split is toxic but you DD should be sheltered from it as much as possible. You make out like you are doing her a favour not involving her in adult issues but that's just a part of being a parent surely.

I never get the moaning about uniform costs, it's not like they come out of the blue so can be saved for in advance. So may seem to begrudge the expenses that come with children despite it being a choice to have a child.

Not taking his DD away with him is selfish but when she is an adult with her own children she will realise his faults for herself. I know plenty of parents who leave their children at home to holiday alone and can never understand why.

I hate the cliche but in years to come there will be no pulling the wool over your kids eyes. They will see him with all his faults. They do see how hard you work and you are giving them an excellent example

This. With knobs on. It took ten long years for one of my children to suddenly say something that made me realise they could see it for what it was: a mum who works hard for them, provides what they need, takes them on holiday, makes them do their homework and a dad who begrudges making no financial contribution whatsoever, takes every opportunity he can to have a dig at their mum and who thinks seeing them once a week is a major achievement.

It’s hard waiting for it. Even harder trying to cobble money together from nothing. I have found small stuff - saving £2 coins, doing surveys, taking on additional work where it fits round everything else - makes a difference. Being honest about what you can and can’t afford and finding compromises for expensive items like second hand, waiting till the sales, shopping around, saving etc also helps.

And time. Give it time. It will come back at you ten fold.