To expect ExH to contribute

[Chucklecheeks1]

Eldest DD stats high school in September. The uniform will come to about £300 if i shop savy. I have also been told she will need a laptop for homework after the first few months there.

I asked Ex to contribute half. He pays the minimum maintenance. He said he can't as he needs to live. DD just announced at the dinner table dad is buying a campervan.

AiBU to be slight put out he gave the reason that he's struggling for money as why he can't pay or is this how it happens and I have to suck it up.

He goes on three of four holidays a year (doesn't take the kids) and I had to fight tooth and nail to get him provide for them when they are with him EOW.

He's made me feel like I'm begging for something I have no right to ask for.

Boxsets thanks for your response. Harsh but your opinion. However black and white it is.

Of couse i know she needs uniform. I more than match what he pays. I wish it cost me what it costs him. But i dont have money left over to save all the time.

We live to our means. But hey if you say i can save i must be able too.

This year i saved for the year 6 residential and leavers ball, birthdays and Christmas. Money isnt unlimited. Its a finite amount that can only go so far. The money left from his maintencae isnt enough to feed, clothe and support two children. I happily pay the rest. Child benefit pays for half of my childcare. So i cant save that. I have a mortgage that has to be paid so i cant cut down on that.

We dont eat out. We go to the cinema once every four or five months. We cant afford a holiday. I take unpaid leave to have the kids over school holidays because i do 80% of them.

I dont begrudge my children or what it costs to support them. I work damn hard to give them a good and stable life.

Im surprised about how much your post angered me. Its made me realise as the RP im supposed to put up and shut up.

I cant say my ex is unreasonable as im a parent. I didnt realise when we decided to have kids it meant i cant begrudge his half arsed parenting. Would i be abke to moan if we were together?

I do begrude supporting them emotionally on my own and financially with minimum input from him. Im human.

We both chose to have children. I do keep them out of it, i mentioned that as a response to a question not to sound virtuous.

You can carry on telling me how it is and how it should be accorsing to you. Doesn't change the fact that me and the kids have to live the reality.

And when i said it doesn't cover everything you misunderstood. I meant along with my contribution of all i can afford it doesn't cover everything. Should i get in to debt to but these things?

I so get where you are coming from - another one here with a c&&t of an x - he tells the kids his maintenance which he is currently putting through court tribunal is to cover everything - he's not even paying anything towards Ds school fees as claims can't afford it - such bullshit! I kept Ds in PS due to him having a severe wobble at the thought of leaving - makes no difference to x.

I'm not sure I agree with this view they'll realise when they are older - how many adults are struggling with issues as a result of abusive parents and have counselling to deal with the long term effects -how many adults are now no contact with parents - from what I read on here there is a lot of guilt involved. If a child is never told that certain behaviour is abusive regardless of where it is coming from - they grow up with a false sense of self - and I speak as someone who at 53 is having to deal with these issues.

It's a difficult area -anybody else dishing out this behaviour and it would be labelled but a parent dishing it out and we are not "allowed" to make our kids aware - are we just storing up MH problems for them when they are older - what about a future boss being abusive? I think we are giving them mixed messages!

A parent is meant to love unconditionally - these X's are incapable of loving anyone including themselves - and by saying nothing we are almost endorsing the behaviour as being ok!

Adults can't figure out some of this shit even with all the talk on abuse how on earth are our kids supposed to!

Op I posted before I saw your latest reply - you have every right to be angry - joint decision to have kids but fuck is it joint responsibility - I too get angry about this often - I am told I should be over it by now - but it's the kids who are supposed to come first in all this - so the courts say - who are being let down by a system - managed by the same people who manage the courts - and yet they let them get away with it time and time again!

Hopefully one day your kids will realise -but until they do I totally get where you are coming from - and without doubt you will be doing a great job x

What a selfish twat refusing to allow them to do activities on his weekend!

That’s healthy!

its not ideal but many high schools sell second hand uniform - it is worth looking at as kids grow so fast some of it is basically new (we had to do this) we weren't the only people who used this. You can be picky about it & perhaps get new blazer - it is the only way you can make ends meet do so - check on school websites or the PFA they might run it unofficially or officially = where do you buy your lasses shoes from? seriously I have bad feet & its worth looking up to see if any factory shops or out of town discount places sell the same makes or online...if its 10 pounds difference ----talk to your lass she sounds a great kid - & discuss money situation with her re this idea it might make the difference between having family days out or not (ever thought of camping?)

Thank you for all your replies. Im going to phone the school on monday and see if they do sell on second hand uniform.

I too have wobbles about not turning round to the kids and saying his behaviour is unacceptable.

I took professional advice and they said i should tell the truth but only when asked. Ensuring its age appropriate.

Its hard to do though without negatively speaking about him. We discuss appropriate behaviour in general terms and my DD more than DS can now apply that to her experiences with her dad.

I wish he did the same. My DD when skyping ( she refuses too now) her dad and was asked by him what she had been up to used to lie and say she was with my parents.

She's learnt that mentioning me caused eye rolls, sighing and funny looks between him and his partner. Hrd ignore comments abd cgange the subject. Its like i don't exist anymore. She's learnt not to speak about her life at home (especially me) when she is with her dad. How can that be healthy?

It's not healthy - just read this y enough

Most especially they shouldn’t tell the kids they can’t talk about the other household. Kids are a product of both parents and, because of this, they can’t divide themselves in two. Let your children be open about their experience and share it with you

from an article on co parenting pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2018/07/10-essentials-of-co-parenting-after-a-divorce/?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=face-book

Impossible to coparent when you are dealing with a twat!

Boxed - there are 2 children involved here and your comments are extremely harsh

If you seriously believe £200 x 12 = £2400 - matched by OP
So £4800 covers everything for a child - clothes, activities, food, internet and just general living then you are living in cloud cuckoo land.

£13.15 per day for two DCS!!!!!!!!!!!

My 10 yr old started the summer term wearing size 5 trainers 4 weeks later was in a size 6 and this week is stuffing their feet into the size 7 feet into the size 6 trainers!! They play sport 4 days per week - kids at this age grow like weeds and cost loads.