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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want another child?

29 replies

MarieeBarone · 06/07/2018 14:25

Husband and I have 1 DC. 6 years old. I want another - have done for 2 years or so and husband says he doesn't.
My reason for wanting another is that I come from a big family and I couldn't be without my siblings in adult life and my DC asks rather frequently when I will have a baby in my tummy, when will they have a little brother/sister like so-and-so at school and has asked if any new babies born into the family or friendship circle are a little brother/sister etc. etc.
My husband's reasoning for not wanting another is that I had PND after our first and our relationship took a real bashing. Not knowing why I was feeling that way and not getting help until 9 months after DC was born didn't help. I had a troublesome 2 day labour, DC was 4 weeks early, which I think freaked him out and he doesn't talk to his one and only brother (but this has only been in adulthood - he had him growing up). He also says that it would be too expensive to have another - I'm not sure how he's come to this conclusion as I do all the financing.
I do not feel done on the family front yet, I am in my very early 30's, as is DH. We live in a house big enough for a second and we would be able to afford for me to have a bit of maternity leave and have friends and family lined up to help alongside paid for childcare for me to go back to work (just under full time).
I guess my question is WWYD in this situation? Try and get over the longing of a truly yearned for baby (how??) or persuade DH to have one last bubby (how??)

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Aquamarine1029 · 06/07/2018 14:43

The worst thing you could do is to coerce your husband into having a child he doesn't want. He doesn't want more children and that's his right to feel that way. Your only options are to accept it or leave him and find another partner.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/07/2018 14:47

I think some of his reasons for having another can be discussed further. Can you talk to the HV team or do some research around PND second time round? I have no experience of it but would maybe think if you know what to expect and look out for the symptoms early and get help quicker it wouldn't be as bad and impact on your relationship as much? Also as you have lots of equipment already it's not as expensive as the first one but you could sit down and go through finances and show him the figures in black and white. Then you will see if he is unsure due to these reasons or if he really just never wants another.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 06/07/2018 14:48

Yanbu to want another, but I think ywbu to try to persuade your dh when he’s been quite clear that he doesn’t want another. I think that would be a massive mistake, for all concerned,

Original poster
MarieeBarone · 06/07/2018 14:50

Aquamarine1029 I do try and think to myself how would it feel if the shoe were on the other foot etc. I've actually had friends tell me to have "a little accident" which I obviously would never ever do! I'm just unsure what the first step of getting over it is. I've always thought that people regret the children you don't have rather than the ones you do. It's all started becoming a little all consuming and rather upsetting.

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Original poster
MarieeBarone · 06/07/2018 14:53

AmIRightOrAMeringue That's a very good idea, thank you. I completely understand all of his reasons. I think I've avoided sitting down and putting it all in front of him in black and white as I would hate for him to feel like I was pressuring him. I think I'll find a way of doing it nicely and not like a crazy baby-hungry loon. Lol. Thank you for commenting.

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Original poster
MarieeBarone · 06/07/2018 14:54

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb I do agree with you on that one. I would hate him being miserable with a second. I'm just not sure of the first step of getting over it if it's really a no.

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Danniz · 06/07/2018 14:58

This is a really tough time to be having children / being born. Think global warming, the effects of Brexit, Putin, terrorism, etc. Regardless of all that, you can't force your husband to have a child he doesn't want, and I assume that you've had a proper discussion with him? There would also be a very big age gap.

I know someone who felt this way. In the end she got a dog. She felt that she was feeling a biological urge to have another child, a maternal urge which was satisfied by looking after a puppy. I appreciate that this may not be exactly what you are feeling and I don't want to offend you by mentioning this, but it worked for her.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 06/07/2018 14:59

I guess my question is WWYD in this situation? Try and get over the longing of a truly yearned for baby (how??) or persuade DH to have one last bubby (how??)

You asked wwyd^^. I wouldn’t do the “persuading dh to have one last bubby”. I don’t think it would be fair to him or the baby.

I think you need to find out if his reasons (finances etc) are things you can overcome and if he’d like another baby if you did overcome them. If not and he just doesn’t want another baby, then cross that bridge when you come to it Smile.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 06/07/2018 15:01

Also agree with @Danniz. I wouldn’t be encouraging anyone to have babies now unless they were 100% sure they wanted them. Even then, it’s a worrying time to be raising babies Sad.

Original poster
MarieeBarone · 06/07/2018 15:39

Haven't meant to go AWOL. Just doing school run, will catch up in a just a sec. Really appreciate the replies either way x

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Original poster
MarieeBarone · 06/07/2018 18:15

I'm not fussed about a large age gap. Due to the PND I suffered before I knew I wanted at least a 5 year gap. I think I'm finding it particularly hard as 18 months ago we had this chat over date night and he said he did want to start trying, he thinks it's right for our current DC to have a sibling and that he feels it would be nice to give me something that I obviously really want. We tried, I had a late period (false alarm in the end) and he had a flap and took it all back. I do feel a little sour over this but I'm trying to be understanding of his feelings.

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SilverySurfer · 06/07/2018 18:29

Neither of your opinions trumps the other and I've seen the fallout of what having 'a little accident' can do. It resulted in acrimony and divorce.

It seems you have three choices: accept you won't have another, keep talking to your DH in the hope he changes his mind, counter his financial arguments etc, or get divorced and hope you meet someone else with whom you want to have another baby.

Original poster
MarieeBarone · 06/07/2018 20:28

Yep silverysurfer that seems to be the crux of it. I would never go the 'accident' route, that's so wrong. Thank you for your honest opinions everybody.

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LovelyBath77 · 06/07/2018 20:41

I notice you mention about what your DC would like, what about you?

LovelyBath77 · 06/07/2018 20:42

Sorry, re-read. Remember, friends can be like blood in later life, some people aren't close to siblings.

Original poster
MarieeBarone · 07/07/2018 08:30

Hi Lovely, I'm very on the want one side. Lol. I have 3 very good friends and their children of similar ages are all very close with my DC which is lovely. We holiday together, we do activities together, are each others childcare etc. which is wonderful but I guess it's the longing of having another of my own.
I think I'm going to do what a PP said about trying to reassure him of his reasons for not wanting another and go from there. Divorce isn't an option and there's not really a compromise on this one I guess.

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LovelyBath77 · 07/07/2018 09:14

I think that is a good plan, otherwise it could lead to a kind of resentment over time. Maybe do it at a calm time, perhaps with your child on a sleepover and discuss the practicalities. I've also have mental health (PND) and it scared by DH. So could discuss how to tackle it, any support and what helped this time.

LovelyBath77 · 07/07/2018 09:15

PS I have a large gap also and it is helpful as not having to juggle two little ones.

maddening · 07/07/2018 09:21

I am the same - husband does have rational reasons - we are lucky to have a perfect ds - what if the next one has disabilities (as we are now older and therefore higher chances) - we couldn't cope if we did. Also finances etc.

My want for another dc are more emotional and therefore more difficult to rationalise when discussing it.

Original poster
MarieeBarone · 08/07/2018 17:48

I remember helping with my younger siblings lovely and some of us were quite spaced apart. I'd prefer a larger gap. I have a few friends who have a 6 year gap and loving it... And one with a 14 year gap and they're happy as Larry.

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Original poster
MarieeBarone · 08/07/2018 17:51

maddening that's just it isn't it. The feelings we have are hard to put up against a partner's practical reasons. I'm very worried about feeling resentful in the future but I'm sure he has the same worries. What do you think you'll do? Is there a cut off point that you'll get to where you'll decide that you're done?

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geekone · 08/07/2018 18:00

My DH doesn’t want any more either I have one DS and of course he is fabulous. My DH has similar reasons also I think he just doesn’t think he could love another like our first.

I felt like you for a long time even bitter sometimes, however when my DS turned 7 and my life was becoming not only wife/mother/employee we had available funds for holidays and DS hobbies I realised that hormonal want had dissipated. I am not disappointed I love and cherish what I have.

Of course then I messed up my free time by getting a puppy Confused.

Time heals op it is a bit of a grieving process. Flowers

geekone · 08/07/2018 18:01

Oh and OP practical reasons are what your being told but the want/need isn’t there which is even more important.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 08/07/2018 18:01

Just from my personal experience, I had dc1 and my relationship with dh took a real bashing due to pnd. I got over the pnd and had dc2. I am now in the midst of my second round of pnd despite having mental health care all the way through my pregnancy and from a week or so after dc2 was born. Dd is gorgeous and beautiful and the best baby ever. But I feel like I'm going mad. Sad I don't know how bad your pnd was before but I think you really need to be honest with yourself about whether you'd be prepared to go through that again. I don't think I was very honest with myself and made myself believe that somehow it wouldn't happen this time around.

Original poster
MarieeBarone · 08/07/2018 18:11

geekone I have been waiting for the feeling to go away but it's just not unfortunately. A PP suggested a puppy too but we have cats so I'm not sure how happy they'd be. Lol.
Like you say our DC is wonderful and no problems with DH's love there. But as you quite rightly pointed out, his want isn't there for another. We've not had our talk yet but got a date night coming up where I might touch on it again 😬

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