To want to punch my “colleagues” in the face

[Ebeneser]

I work in quite a large office. There are 21 people in here, 3 different groups. I am in the middle, on the “outskirts” of my group. The group I sit closest to therefore are not part of my group. There are 5 of them in total, and I hate every one of them (Alright, one guy is OK, unless you get stuck behind him in the car; he drives like a blind old granny).

The one I sit next to, well. She hums, talks to herself, raps her nails on the desk and violates my personal space with her paperwork. I not so subtly shove it back onto her desk regularly and she still does it. Don't even get me started on the way she eats.

The guy immediately behind me constantly clucks his tongue, raps his nails against the wall, whistles under his breath, clicks his pen and is just generally an annoying git. The guy next to him is similar, but not to such an irritating extent, although he regularly just watches videos on his phone with the volume up or takes facetime calls with his young daughter which deserves a slap in itself.

The guy opposite him has a really pathetic sneeze, and can be quite loud otherwise OK. Guy next to him is the OK one.
Oh, and 2 other people in the office are annoy the shit out of me as well. Tongue clicking and whistling.

I just want them to feck the feck off before I actually carry out my fantasies of inflicting grievous bodily harm on them.

I feel for you OP

I have no idea why some people find it so hard to just be normal in an office!

Oh I don't actually say anything I just sit there quietly stewing to myself and shove the occasional piles of paper back onto their rightful owners desk.
I'm not the only one that most of them piss off either. One person wears earplugs. When one of the annoying gits first moved into this office I was gleefully informed that they were moving in here by a few people in their previous office who had to put up with him before. Obviously they were absolutely delighted they were shot of him and knew he'd end up winding me up (yes, I admit I can be intolerant of persistent irritating noises).
I really hope I do annoy the tits off them, serves them right.

If you can't beat them, join them. Try shuffling your paperwork excessively. Constantly sighing in an exaggerated manner. Grind your teeth menacingly. Laugh hysterically over their shit jokes.

No seriously though I can empathise. My DS (8) has various vocal tics and drives me bonkers. And he is just one little guy. Funnily he's very intolerant of anyone else making sounds around him.

Headphones are the answer. Also a barricade of files or books at the side of your desk to stop papers being slid onto it.

Noise cancelling headphones and ignore!

Your username is apt.

If you really want to annoy them, cultivate a healthy body odour. Or fart in their general direction

Seriously though, if you are an introvert, working in an open plan office can be hell. I did it for a while and had to resort to headphones to keep me sane a lot of the time.

But of course, that would be childish, and you wouldn’t want to annoy people just being - well, people, really.

Yeah. I'm with you. I feel really sorry for a colleague whose office is in between the offices of two really, really loud guys, both of whom do an awful lot of conference calls. The walls are really thin so might as well be sitting on her lap.

I feel like that about some co-workers when I have PMS...I just have so much unnatural rage then.

OP, could you have misophonia? I have it and have a similar reaction to noise. I don't even go upstairs in my own house without earplugs due to the neighbour's noise.

I also want to smash my colleagues in the face with various sharp objects.

especially the cunt that sits across from me. She's a sanctimonious, pompous, smug, prick of a human who eats her stupid fucking apples too loud. Twat.

Can you not just get some good earphones and put some music on?
Some people in my office annoy me because they talk utter BS and have annoying voices.. so I try to put my earphones in and ignore as much as I can.

There’s several people where I work I’d love to punch in the face, unfortuntley it’s your problem not there’s and you’ll just have to grin and bare it unless you leave.
I’d love to punch some customers in the face but thankfully I’ve figured a better approach. Stay super nice and sarcastic and there’s nothing they can do as you are being polite.
Maybe they’ve figured you don’t like them and do it more to annoy you.

I bet your heavy breathing, exaggerated sighs and loud tuts are driving them bonkers too. Try getting on with some work instead of glowering and huffing.

Sounds like where I used to work! I’d have loved one of those desks with the half walls around, open plan offices have s lot to answer for!

I don't understand why so many posters are sniffy and blaming the OP for not wanting to listen to other people's annoying noises. Does anyone need to tap nails on a desk, click pens, sigh, whistle, hum etc.? Were they brought up in families where nobody shouted "STFU", which is what would happen in most normal families if one member was irritating everyone else?

You sound like you have issues. Thank goodness I don’t work with tou

if you are an introvert, working in an open plan office can be hell

Introversion doesn't mean you don't like/ are incapable of interacting with others. And in fact, many introverts find it easier than extroverts to switch off from annoying sounds within their vicinity.

Agree it sounds like misophonia op, get earphones.

You need to be a bit more tolerant and relaxed. Have you ever thought, all these people might dislike you just as much?

Oh and in our office there was a man who used to tap his legs up and down under the desk continuously when he was very focused or anxious. We made a bit of a joke about it in the end (not in a horrible way, we liked him) and just ended up telling him when he was doing it.

Lol! You need a new job! These things would annoy me too and I also wouldn't say anything to them!

You sound like my brother. We didn’t dare walk across the carpet in socks as kids. And wow betide if our dad happily whistled or made breathing noises 😬. Sounds like you have some sensory issues (I have a few myself). Look up sensory diet it might help you. You are not being intolerant. Good luck

Oh Op I do sympathise, I've worked with a constant sniffer and someone who used to spread her paperwork onto my desk, in the end I put some stacking file at my boundary and also got my own back by whistling - that learned 'em.