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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate living in my own fucking house

49 replies

Sunnyday1203 · 06/07/2018 11:10

My 27 year old has just moved back in after splitting with his GF. DS 2 lives here also and his Gf stays most nights ( she is lovely). But my Ds's are driving me crazy, constantly bickering and fighting, lazy around the house leaving mess. Smoking weed which changes their moods and makes aggressive towards me. I have tried to sit them down and reason with them, I have ranted but nothing seems to get through. I work from home and it getting to the stage where I hate living here. I have so many other stresses too think ( dad in hospital, dementia, selling the house, money worries ) I think my had might explode.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 06/07/2018 11:12

Both need to find their own place, quickly.

It’s your home, set some rules. And make sure they know it’s your home, and they have no right to make you feel uncomfortable in it!

pinkyredrose · 06/07/2018 11:14

Why can't they move out?

EveningHare · 06/07/2018 11:14

Your house - your rules

Yes they are your DC but you need to stamp RIGHT down on the aggression (yes i know agressive language)

they either shape up or ship out

AimlesslyPurposeful · 06/07/2018 11:18

Could DS and his girlfriend stay at her place for half of the week/weekends to give you some space?

Do the boys pay rent? If so could you threaten to raise their rent if you’re having to clean up after them?

As you work from home your house is essentially your office between x and y time so could you ask them to leave the house for the majority of those hours?

steppemum · 06/07/2018 11:23

Make their rent at a commercial level.
Make some house rules, that if they break, they get fined £50
Any aggression and you leave, same day and sleep somewhere else over night.

When they question it, tell them it is your home and your workspace and they have taken it over and have no respect.

One or two months of respect and you may reconsider the amount of rent etc.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 06/07/2018 11:24

Why are you allowing them to smoke weed in your house?

If they are adults then they should pay you rent

Draw up a list of chores/errands and if the girlfriends are staying then they can pull their weight too, include things like laundry, washing dishes, shopping etc...and make them all do their fair share,

If they are aggressive towards you then it's probably better that they find some where else to live, you could help them look for somewhere if t will help them leave quicker, it's your house you shouldn't have to feel this way in your own home,

Talk to them when they arent high from weed and are clear headed and tell them you can't live like this any longer, and either the weed goes and they treat you better, or they ha e to move out

Op when they are aggressive to you do you fear that they will physically harm you?..because if you do then be careful if you ask them to leave

Silver1022 · 06/07/2018 11:26

You love them deeply and would die for your kids but their comes a point when they need to get their arses in gear, grow up and stop being dependant on their parents.
When will it stop you need to tell them it’s time to go.
At 27 why would he want to live at home still, just so he can pay peanuts and expect a maid.
Regarding the drugs tell them NO under no circumstance should you allow them to. Not only is it illegal it makes them paranoid.
IT IS YOUR HOUSE even if you give them six month notice. Can’t understand why son would come back home instead of getting his own place

hazell42 · 06/07/2018 11:27

This sounds very much like my life, so I really feel for you.
My eighteen year old son (no job, bored, with attitude) and my 17 year old daughter (on holiday from college, stubborn, with attitude) fight all the time. I also work from home sometimes.
I have started taking my laptop to the library in my local university (very quiet at the moment). I can get a break from them and get loads of work done at the same time.
I don't have any practical suggestions, except that I have noticed that the more I try to mediate the worse they seem to get. Quite often when I pack up and ship out they just go back to their rooms and ignore each other.
The only other thing I can suggest is to stop doing stuff for them until they start pitching in. However, I know from experience that sometimes that is more trouble than its worth. Depends how much energy you have after working, sorting out a house move and everything else you have to worry about.
The weed is a problem. My son does this too, and unfortunately it is now considered absolutely normal among many young people. But it does make them lose the motivation to do pretty much everything except sit in their pants and play xbox.

Viviennemary · 06/07/2018 11:38

First rule No weed or you'll call the police. Put a stop to the girlfiend staying more than once a week no matter how lovely she is. You shouldn't have to put up with this. I'd be tempted to give an ultimatum and say they must be out within say two months especiall the older one. He's old enough to fend for himself.

BrexitWife · 06/07/2018 11:38

So two adult males that think they can what the fuck they want in is actually not their house but the one of a woman (their mum).

I wouod be livid too and I totally understand where you are coming from.

I think you need boundaries and consequences.
Something like being aggressive is not to be tolerated, and so is being lazy and leaving mess everywhere. And then a two strikes and you are out approach.
Clear to everyone.

Or you could sell the house (as planned) ASAP and refuse to have them in your new house (it’s too small etc etc)

keyboardkate · 06/07/2018 11:41

Sell up, buy a one bed flat. No room to stay. They can visit though!

BrexitWife · 06/07/2018 11:43

At 27 why would he want to live at home still
I’ll make a guess there.
It seems that more and more young adults are becoming ‘home birds’ incapable to standing in their two feet and looking after themselves.
I’m not sure where it’s coming form. Maybe because everything has always been spoon fed to them and they dint Kano how to deal with adversity.
Maybe because relying in parents for everything has now become the norm (starting with I’m staying at home to reduce the cost until we can buy type of situation).
It often starts with no wanting to go far away to Uni and wanting to be back ‘home’ everyweek and hols.

There is certainly a trend going on.

Not a comment on your parenting here Op. Just a general comment about what I see around me, comments from teachers and what seem to be the general expectation nowdays.

Original poster
Sunnyday1203 · 06/07/2018 11:49

You all make sense. I should be harder on them. My DP said they are taking me for a ride. Thanks for suggestions. I blurted out this morning that I hate living here. The house is up for sale so it needs to be kept tidy, they do things but I have to nag them, getting sooo bored of the sound of my own voice so often just end up doing the cleaning up myself. 27 kicked off big time last weekend and I asked him to leave and told him he can stay here. He did come back and aplogise and can see he is making an effort. Re weed it is not smoked in the house. I love them and will not see them on the streets but this is making me miserable ...

OP posts:
arranfan · 06/07/2018 11:50

Tell them you need them out, give a date, and stick to it.

As you're selling the house, there's a good chance you need it uncluttered and in an unnaturally clean and showhouse condition at all times if there need to be viewings.

Any more aggression and they leave that moment.

ChelleDawg2020 · 06/07/2018 11:50

I think young people staying at home in their late twenties and early thirties is a symptom of the unrealistic price of accommodation. Many people struggle to rent a flat for themselves, let alone save to buy one. This leads to a prolonged period of adolescence, hence the bickering, smoking weed etc.

People will say "kick them out" but to be honest I don't think your struggle is anything unusual nowadays. Parents have to accept that either they help their children to buy a home of their own, or their children will be living with them for much longer than was usual in the past.

I agree though that your children will not "grow up" while they live with you. They will not be self-reliant until they have gone through several years living alone.

Ragwort · 06/07/2018 12:02

This is just one reason why I would not let my teenage DS bring a girlfriend home for the night, yes, I know it's an unpopular opinion on Mumsnet but it is just so 'easy' for the occasional visit to become moving in ............... I am determined not to make my home too comfortable for any adult children - even if that sounds tough.

Stormy76 · 06/07/2018 12:02

I feel your pain, I have a 22 yr old who left home and wants to come back but his previous behaviour when he was home was so awful w have said no. We are helping him move and rent somewhere though, 17 year old who like many of them is bored and stroppy. Weed is a huge problem in our house s well. It does completely demotivated them but they don't see it or how it affects them and people around them. It is not allowed in the house but you cannot control what they do outside the house.

It's hard because you don't want to see them in the streets but you have to be able to live a normal life ......with kids at home that is difficult. It might seem harsh me saying to a 22 yr old that he cannot come home but he has made the last 8 years of our lives very difficult with his behaviour, antics and drug use. Maybe a push to find somewhere to live, at 27 he should be looking to rent somewhere really, perhaps he needs a gentle nudge in the right direction.

Maelstrop · 06/07/2018 12:06

They won't be on the streets, they can get their own place. What's stopping them?

ijustwannadance · 06/07/2018 12:12

Are they expecting to live with you whenyou move too? Do you have somewhere lined up? Like maybe a 1 bed flat!

elephantfan · 06/07/2018 12:13

They could all club together and rent a house.
Are they all working?

supersop60 · 06/07/2018 12:16

If they were in rented accommodation and broke the landlord's rules, they would be chucked out. OP - they are now adults and have to learn to behave like adults. I would agree with PP about drawing up some rules and being firm about rent.
@brexitwife I don't think that these homebirds are afraid to be independent, I think they can't afford to. Rents near us are prohibitive.

Xiaoxiong · 06/07/2018 12:20

You say the house is up for sale - wouldn't that be a good deadline for them to find their own place? If you're not buying somewhere else straight away, could you move somewhere in the interim where they definitely can't come with you? Even a one bedroom air b&B for a month would be uncomfortable/impossible enough to force them to find somewhere else.

When my brother and I were in our final years at university my parents moved into a studio flat for a couple of years. I've often asked them if it was intentional to force us to sort ourselves out and they just smile Grin They definitely still helped us out (eg. guarantors for the rent when I moved into a flat share) but it forced us to figure out a living situation of our own that didn't involve moving home even for a little bit. Once we'd had our independence we couldn't even contemplate the horror of moving home again and being treated like little kids again.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 06/07/2018 12:21

It’s time they moved out. Can they rent? Share with GF’s or each other? I think you deserve some peace. They’re showing no respect whatsoever. Sounds awful. They don’t have the RIGHT to live with you. Do they give you anything for their keep?

sallythesheep73 · 06/07/2018 12:24

Change the locks ;-)

nervousnails · 06/07/2018 12:26

Grow a spine, woman. If I had even thought of smoking weed at my mum's house she would have thrown me out. It is your house, your rules.