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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to hate living in my own fucking house

49 replies

Sunnyday1203 · 06/07/2018 11:10

My 27 year old has just moved back in after splitting with his GF. DS 2 lives here also and his Gf stays most nights ( she is lovely). But my Ds's are driving me crazy, constantly bickering and fighting, lazy around the house leaving mess. Smoking weed which changes their moods and makes aggressive towards me. I have tried to sit them down and reason with them, I have ranted but nothing seems to get through. I work from home and it getting to the stage where I hate living here. I have so many other stresses too think ( dad in hospital, dementia, selling the house, money worries ) I think my had might explode.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 06/07/2018 12:41

Ultimatum time. Either they obey your house rules to the letter, or they find a place of their own. Give them a written list of the rules and deadline to move out if they don't stick to them. And stick to it.

MayContainBrain · 06/07/2018 12:43

Your house. Your rules. The weed stops or they are out. I bet you any £ they leave (which is sad, but there you go).

Sweetpea55 · 06/07/2018 12:45

You allow them to smoke weed in your house???

Xenia · 06/07/2018 12:46

If the house is up for sale this will end anyway so just perhaps drop the price or put it to auction to get it sold in a month or two. My older children have moved out and bought own places but mmy student children are currently home although very easy to be with and one is out for a very long working day at present anyway. Could you give your boys a list of jobs each day if they are not working or help them find somewhere to rent. If they are not working it is possible to be a house guardian in places like firestations to protect them from squatters which can be a cheap way of getting housing.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/07/2018 12:58

Say you are employing a cleaner that they are expected to pay for...make it expensive...
Its just not on.

You want a cleaner as it has to be tidy/clean... So 2 x2 hours weekly.... And you're wanting a good cleaner... 15£ per hour... That's 30£ each.... Weekly.

Or they can do it themselves.... There is not an option 3.

It's up to them to find a way to get along or they will HAVE to move out....

Ethylred · 06/07/2018 12:58

"27 kicked off big time"
That's infantile. How did he learn it?

diddl · 06/07/2018 13:07

What are they fighting/bickering about?

They seem a bit old for that-unless it's the weed?

Surely that has to stop if it makes them aggressive?

Although that would have been a no for me.

Xiaoxiong · 06/07/2018 13:08

Look I'm not usually a pull yourself up by your bootstraps kind of person but unless there's a drip feed coming there should be no reason why they can't live on their own in their late 20s. If rent is high in your area they need to lower their expectations, or start working more hours, get a second job, move somewhere cheaper, club together to rent a one bedroom with one DS and his girlfriend in the bedroom and the other DS on the sofa or just move into flat/house shares.

I and pretty much every single person I know started off or remain in flatshares in London and sure it's expensive and a huge % of your monthly income but for a single person or even better, a couple, it's eminently possible - you can get a double room in a shared furnished flat or house in SW8, close enough to cycle most places in central London for £160/week all bills included, or one in a dodgy shithole for £100-120/week.

If they're lazy around the house at present and have enough disposable income to spend on weed, they clearly are either not working or have at least a few hours to do other stuff - they can start driving for Uber, retail/bar/foodservice evenings/weekends, Deliveroo on a bike, even MTurk would be some money coming in. Every single shop, cafe and restaurant on my high street at home and near my office has signs up looking for staff. Not to mention seasonal work - on top of his usual manual labour job my BIL has been working in a restaurant in the evenings and also just picked up shifts in a local pub to cover the World Cup and the tennis, even with no experience.

Obviously I'm assuming they are able bodied and fit to work with no other caring or financial responsibilities for kids.

So OP - sit them down. Give them a deadline of end of August and they have to be out. Lots of flat shares end in July/August because of student housing cycles so now's the time to be looking. Tell them you'll be the guarantor for their rent if they need it (if you can do this). In the meantime they have to abide by your house rules and pull their weight and certainly not smoke weed or anything else in or near the house - a bunch of weed smoking residents will probably be making your house smell which won't be helping your sale.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 06/07/2018 13:14

Wow im surprised they have girlfriends to be honest! They sounds like spoilt kids.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 06/07/2018 13:18

We've got 2 adult DDs living at home, and their BFs most nights. I feel like I'm always cooking and no one ever wants to eat at the same time. It's like we never have any breathing space at times, even though they are all lovely and decent kids! I wouldn't have weed smoked in the house/garden though. That would be a line too far for me.

I think some house rules are in order. You also work from home so it's your office space as well and they need to respect that. Ours do their own washing/ironing, keep their rooms tidy and they pay for their keep. They may be your DCs but they are also adults...... sometimes you have to remind them of that. Especially if they're bickering.

brainmelt · 06/07/2018 13:21

what's stopping them
Easy. Maybe they don't have a job. Maybe the job doesn't pay enough. These days you have to show an income of about 2.5 times the annual rent to a landlord. How can a young person do that? What about people on zero hours? How about self-employed?

mumsastudent · 06/07/2018 13:23

leave a print out of that article in USA where the parents got their son kicked out -with hand written hint hint! & tell them you are leaving home to rspca (whilst leaving will forms all over the place!)

VI0LET · 06/07/2018 13:33

I can assure you that they won’t end up on the streets, at worst they will end up on a mates sofa.

I work in a shelter for homeless people and we see ZERO teenagers who have fallen out with their mums, I promise you.

Your worries are groundless .

dementedma · 06/07/2018 13:49

our 27 year old still lives with us. she hasnt managed to get a job which pays enough for her to live independently. Its not as easy as just "tell them to move out". and go where, exactly?We live i a flat and I hate having her there as much as she hates being there but such is life

AjasLipstick · 06/07/2018 13:51

My Mum was in this position and she was STILL in that position when my brother was 40.

Don't let that happen.

My brother was rude, lazy and aggressive. Also drank and took drugs.

It took her ages to get rid of him and it really upset her that she had to.

Now he's 50 and about to be homeless AGAIN and she's sticking to not having him back.

Lovemusic33 · 06/07/2018 13:52

Love how everyone’s suggesting they move out. How exactly? Do you know how much it costs to rent a flat or even house share?

Sadly a lot of young men and women are living with their parents because they can not afford to live alone. It’s sad but that’s the way it is. I know quite a few single men in their 20’s and 30’s who have moved back in with parents because the price of living alone is just crazy.

Parents are put in a awkward position as they don’t want to see there adult children struggling or even homeless.

HazelBite · 06/07/2018 13:52

Gosh another member of the "adult dc's still living at home" club here!

I have 4 sons and have managed to get rid of 2 of them who have managed to buy themselves properties ( no mean feat we live in the SE!)

The other 2 still live at home one has his GF living here as well his twin brother is awaiting the arrival of his wife when her Visa is sorted out , so we will still be a family of six.

Both couples are saving hard and making plans to move out over the next couple of years.

I am pretty laid back but I would not allow smoking of weed in the house, also they all have to be in work. To be fair I have not had any problems in either of those respects, mainly because the DC's know the limits to mine and DH's tolerance levels.

I must be lucky as we all rub along fairly well, but its not ideal.

My advice is not to nag or "keep on" because when you forcefully put your point across it carries more weight and they will take more notice.

Ragwort · 06/07/2018 13:54

Love - appreciate what you are saying but there is a big difference between living respectfully with your parents, paying a modest rent (or at the very least properly saving), doing chores, not smoking weed and not moving your girl/boy friend in Hmm. Some of the 'young people' on this thread seem to be taking their parents' hard work and home comforts for granted.

Sunnyday1203 · 06/07/2018 13:57

I do NOT let them smoke weed in the house, have said that already. 27 has a job and will have to move out soon he has to. 18 year flitting from one job to another. When the house is sold they will have to rent somewhere, as coming with me is not an option. In the meantime I will try not to go insane. I have no problem with 18 DS gf staying she is a good influence on him and pleasant company.

OP posts:
Justtheonequestion · 06/07/2018 14:04

This is my worst nightmare if I'm honest. Mine are early teens and I'm already looking forward to having some space and a bit of a life back. I think if they have partners it should be in their own home or their partner's. I don't have a partner at home for their comfort so would expect that to be returned.

smithsinarazz · 06/07/2018 14:27

I couldn't imagine letting my mum see me smoke weed in her house, at any age. I don't smoke anything any more but I've seen my brother smoke out of the bedroom window not all that long ago. He is 40. There is such a thing as taking the piss.

Xiaoxiong · 06/07/2018 14:56

Love - I do, actually - BIL in his early 20s coming out of years of stoner turmoil and teenage haplessness, now on his own and asked us to go over his budget for ideas recently.

Single man, no kids, min wage job, £1000 or so /month after taxes, pension and NI, rents a double room for £460/month all bills included in a shared flat near a train station which is on the high side (if he had a single room it would be more like £400-420/month but he wanted a bit more space). Had to hand over deposit and first months' rent, we were prepared to be guarantors but they didn't need it.

£30/month phone, £180 monthly train ticket, £50/week on food and toiletries (which could be lower but he eats a tonne as his job is manual labour), £80 for spends or save, a direct debit of £50/month into savings for a rainy day. It's very tight, he knows where every single penny is going.

And indeed, he has discovered it's not that much fun to worry all the time on such a strict budget or to sit in his room all evening avoiding his flatmates or not seeing friends because he can't stand his round without a huge hit to the budget so he's been picking up evening work, asking for more hours at his day job, and working on getting more qualifications at night or on the weekends so he can get a better wage.

Again, this is for someone able bodied, fit to work, no kids or caring responsibilities. The moment pets, disabilities, children, maintenance payments, saving for a deposit etc materialise, then of course it's a different story.

H0lidayzs3arch · 06/07/2018 15:01

My parents never allowed people to stay over, ever. Once I moved out, I have never returned, only to visit. So from my perspective, you are being far too accomodating. I know landlords that have rented a room in a house to a single person and if a partner stayed over, they charged them extra money each day, saying it was for extra electric, water etc. If you are moving house, you need to make it clear if they are welcome at the new house and what the ground rules and payments are. I've lived in house shares, studio flats, moved around slot. Why can't they be independent ?

BrexitWife · 06/07/2018 15:03

Love i agree with you re cost of renting. BUT and it’s a big but, I think there is also an attitude with 20ish yo to look for what is the easier option rather than just saying ‘ok. This is crap. I’ll have to watch every penny, do some extra work etc but I’ll make it work’.
Being at mum and dad with little or no rent (and electricity etc etc) is the easiest option. For them.
For parents, having their dcs move back when they already had flown the nest is a nightmare becaus wthey tend to take everything for hfarnted an drevert back to act as teenagers (hence the mess everywhere, not helping etc etc)

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