To not want another child?

[QueenOfMyWorld]

My ds 4 has just said to me " I wish you had lots of kids so I had someone to play with" I feel so guilty when he says things like this because I have no plans to have another,I'm 38 and am v happy with just one child.He goes to nursery 2 full days and a half day a week and sees his cousins on a weekend I just feel so bad that he's wanting siblings

My son always used to say that. Now he's 15 he's worked out that any inheritance will go to just him so he's more than happy 😂😂😂

Don’t feel bad. If I had my time again I’d stick to one. A single benefits so much financially, attention and focus etc etc. They argue with siblings as much as they play with them. Make sure he has plenty of play dates and social occasions and think of the benefits. One child is really easy compared to more.

Thanks for your replies.Its just 'Mum guilt' I suppose.I dont know anyone who is an only child so that's why I feel like I'm depriving him a bit

I dont know anyone who is an only child

I find that quite astonishing when the number of parents stopping at one child is now 47% having increased from 36% over the last decade. "They" reckon it will be 50% of families will be single child families by 2022.

I'm 44 and an only. I know lots of other only children. I also know lots of people who don't get on at all with their sibling or siblings and would happily be an only.

OP lots of adults who are only children simply don't mention it as it's their norm. Simply because unless you know people well they don't tend to tell you how many siblings they have.

Oh and some kids/adults regardless of inheritance want a sibling forever. I've seen 20+ year olds excited that they are getting a sibling. As someone whose older siblings over 13 were thought to be one of her parents by strangers as a young child, I find it funny as the dynamics between siblings with a large age gap is different from those closer in age.(Most of the family arguements I know about are amongst siblings that are closer in age.)

However that is definitely not a good reason for you to have another child. Your family is complete and your son will grow to be fine with it.

ShatnersWig I truly don't but i feel better about those statistics

While they might get all the inheritance they are the only family to care for elderly parents, that is a lot to put on one person.

AP thats not a reason to have another child though

Just one here, many miscarriages and molar pregnancies later, we decided we were bloody lucky and have left it at that.

As an only child myself and parent to a DS who is highly likely to be a only child too (older parents, been trying for a long time for a second etc etc) I've thought about this a lot.

My DS is great with other kids, he's been in nursery since he was 1 (now 4) and has young cousins his age. He's sharing, compassionate and loves his friends. This is because we've instilled those values at an early age.

I've seen in other family and friends siblings doesn't necessarily mean closeness. I have some friends who hardly see their siblings and some who have very close relationships. It's no guarantee.

As for the comment about being the old one to deal with parents illness or death. I think about that sometimes but it's no reason to have more. I think it's pretty selfish to have kids just so they look after you in old age.

@APMom FFS sake why do people trot that shit out? You do NOT choose to have children to ensure you have someone to care for you when you are elderly. If you do, you are a class-A moron. Look at all the private nursing homes opening up, all the residential assisted living places being built. Bloody loads round our way. Huge swathes of our elderly folk aren't cared for by their kids; hell, half of them are lucky to even see them once a week in these homes, let alone cared for by them.

Whilst it's your right to choose only to have one. (This is of course supposing it's a genuine choice and nothing preventing a second) - I still think it's a decision that parents almost always make entirely for themselves - with very little thought for the long term effect that will have on their child.

I am the child (multiple siblings thank god) of a 'only' mother. No aunts, uncles, cousins on her side. Her parents died 60 & 35 yrs ago and she has been 'alone' ever since. Yes she has a DH and dcs but it's not the same. She absolutely resents her mothers choice. Her mother was very clear that it was a choice . It was what her mother and father wanted . With no thought for what effect that would have on her. Know you don't have kids to care for you - however that is the reality. My GF died before I was born and my GM relied heavily on her only child. There was no one to share that with.

Your choice is your choice but it has a long term effect on another person. I for one am forever thankful that I have siblings.

Know No you don't......

Your choice is your choice but it has a long term effect on another person

Yes. You could be inflicting a lifetime of hate and misery on the second child if the first child absolutely loathes the second one and they spend all their formative years being hideous to each other which then becomes toxic and ends up splitting the family and people going no contact. See that on the Relationships board all the time. Or where second child as youngest becomes favoured child over the first child (or vice versa). See that on the Relationships board and AIBU a lot too.

Your choice MAY have a long term effect on another person. But that effect may not be at all positive.

Whilst it's your right to choose only to have one. (This is of course supposing it's a genuine choice and nothing preventing a second) - I still think it's a decision that parents almost always make entirely for themselves - with very little thought for the long term effect that will have on their child.

The same could be said for parents who choose to have multiple children. Having siblings isn't necessarily a positive.

Don't feel bad OP I have 2 children and my oldest always says please have one more baby and please call him Jake 😂

You could be inflicting a lifetime of hate and misery on the second child if the first child absolutely loathes the second one and they spend all their formative years being hideous to each other which then becomes toxic and ends up splitting the family and people going no contact.

I think to gauge the average dynamics of family relationships based on the posts of MN AIBU /relationships boards - is a little skewed. People post on here when there is a problem. People don't post to say that everything is normal, happy and supportive.

In real life - aged late 50s , with 7 kids and a huge circle of relations, friends, work colleagues. I know of not a single person who is NC with either a sibling or parent. It seems to be one of those MN 'things' that doesn't transfer to real life in such numbers. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, I'm sure it must, just very very rare and tragic for those concerned. My friends and family mostly all have siblings. Some more close than others - but the vast majority have siblings that they choose to spend time with, who play a huge part in each other's lives and is most definitely 'the norm'.

While they might get all the inheritance they are the only family to care for elderly parents, that is a lot to put on one person.

Both my parents have siblings. The care for my grandparents fell essentially entirely on one child in each case (in one case that child was my parent, in one case it was one of their siblings), largely due to geography. For my parent who took on the whole burden I actually think it would have been easier without their siblings doing nothing but sniping at decisions from the sidelines. Having siblings is absolutely no guarantee that you won't end up with the whole burden of elder care.

My 5yo has been saying this to me.
'I won't want to watch telly if I had someone to play with.'

I've told him it's not happening with zero guilt! We make sure he has plenty of contact with other children and he has several honorary cousins who are close friends kids.

The phase will hopefully pass!

shatnerswig is that correct? So almost half of families are now stopping at one child? In my experience a significant majority of the families I know have more than one child (probably 80+%).

I don't really have a view on whether it's better to be an only child or to have a sibling, just really surprised by that statistic. Or have I misunderstood it?

@superking Yes. I've quoted it on previous threads, let me see if I can find the source

Office of National Statistics data in 2014

I just looked up that figure and it seems to be saying that 47% of families currently have one child, so while I don't think there's any doubt that numbers of only children are growing that's not the same thing as the percentage of children who will never have a sibling.

@teaandtoast They argue with siblings as much as they play with them.
I'm not arguing for or against but comments like this are such nonsense.
At the end of the day all families are different, I have a large family (not intentionally as large as it is but there you go) my children are happy, get on well and enjoy having people to spend time with at home. There are many benefits. But there are equally many benefits to being an only child. Financially, and from the perspective of travel and opportunities these can be on a completely different level.
But neither is right or wrong. Whatever is right for you, will work out fine. I fretted over mine not having 'their own room' then when we moved they chose to share and were outraged when we tried to separate them! Many families I know have 1 child simply because another did not happen or ivf was too expensive etc so there will be many different reasons for family size.
I really don't think it's necessary to try to convince people of reasons why one way is better than another.
You could have 2 siblings and they don't get on, or 2 that are best friends. And if your child is 4 and you tried to provide a sibling they could be 5, and a 5 year gap is perfect for some families but if the aim is a playmate it will take a long time to become that. (Not saying it's not a good gap at all just depends which way you look at it)

ivechangedmyusername it is not a decision 'Just' for me and dh.I had very bad pnd after my birth so I'm worried that would affect my son if it happened again,also it would affect the hypothetical baby.Its not as clear cut as you think