To not want another child?

[QueenOfMyWorld]

My ds 4 has just said to me " I wish you had lots of kids so I had someone to play with" I feel so guilty when he says things like this because I have no plans to have another,I'm 38 and am v happy with just one child.He goes to nursery 2 full days and a half day a week and sees his cousins on a weekend I just feel so bad that he's wanting siblings

We're sticking to one child as i have a disability and consider ourselves very lucky to be able to have one at all. I have siblings but we speak at Christmas and birthdays, if that. You have to do what is best for you, i do worry that my little one will be lonely but i was very lonely as i child because i was too ill for school and my older siblings bullied me (gosh isn't this a sad story sorry!) but my point is do what is best for you and your family. No guilt please!

While I love my boys they have fought each other since the youngest was crawling! However, they get on a bit better now (at 11 and 14), in that they no longer fight physically, but still prefer to spend their free time with friends. Some of my friends kids barely even acknowledge each other. Obviously, some have wonderful relationships but that is not true of a lot of them.

You should never have another child to please a child. If you were to, the child would in all likelihood end up with mental health issues. Centre on loving and caring for the child you have and ensure they know how precious and special they are.

NewYear
All very well saying that but not all of us are physically or mentally well and able to look after our parents. Or even our children. We do not live in the utopia your scathing post suggests we should. Moreover no such utopia exists these days due to modern life, population mobility and so on.

I find it strange how unbalanced this thread is in terms of the number of posters with dysfunctional families or siblings that don't get on. The vast majority of my friends get on well with their siblings and actually a good proportion would say a sibling is their best friend. I know a few that don't get on at all but this is very much the minority.

I get on well with my siblings and honestly feel that they enriched my childhood and adulthood. I would not swap them for more inheritance and find such comfort in knowing that they will probably be a constant in my life even when my parents are gone. For me there is definitely strength in numbers and I am very happy and grateful that I have them.

I am baffled by responses like: a sibling to help care for the elderly parents later. In my experience (mine and my family and friends) it doesn't matter if there are 1,2,3 or 6 (true!) children, there is only 1 who will do the lions share of the work and care necessary. Even if they are all giving people someone will move away, or be pregnant, or ill, but mostly I believe it's down to everyones role in the family and there's just one that will take most responsibility.

The vast majority of my friends get on well with their siblings and actually a good proportion would say a sibling is their best friend. I know a few that don't get on at all but this is very much the minority.

I think this is probably a function in part of how geographically mobile the people you know are. Neither of my parents were close to their siblings as adults, but they moved a long way away from them. I am quite close to my brother (and much more so since my nephew was born) but we happen to live quite close together. Most people I know see their siblings quite rarely, but then most don't live near their families. I don't know anyone who would say a sibling is their best friend. It's similar with whether or not you are very close to cousins - I'm always surprised when other people describe cousins (eg as wedding guests) as 'very close family', as for me and most people I knew growing up cousins are some people you see once or maybe twice a year and barely know.

I think the wider support network is an interesting point. One of my friends is the child of parent's who were both only children. Her dad died when we were 30 leaving her mum as her only living relative, no aunts, uncles or cousins.

NewYearNewMe, people in other cultures who can afford to - for the poor there is usually no alternative - certainly do employ others to look after their elderly.

We have Indian friends in Mumbai - not rich but fairly comfortable - who arranged two live in carers for an elderly relative with dementia 100 miles away. As they pointed out, such arrangements are far easier and cheaper to organise there than in the U.K.

I once quoted your so often repeated argument to them, I.e. that in other cultures people invariably take care of their own. They said it was rubbish, at least in India for anyone who could afford an alternative.

I do also wonder whether you'd feel the same if you'd ever had to look after anyone with dementia past the very early stages - 24/7, with virtually no help or time off. So often dementia is NOT just a case of a nice old thing gently getting more forgetful. It can be, and very often is, incredibly stressful and exhausting to cope with.

I find it strange how unbalanced this thread is in terms of the number of posters with dysfunctional families or siblings that don't get on.

But people with the same problems congregate in the same place, ostensibly for support, but in reality they feed from each others misery. I use the example of SPD, I've worked far and wide and only ever met one person with it. Ditto HG, you'd be forgiven for thinking this was a racing cert in every pregnancy the way posters go on. I've met one person, just one, with it diagnosed and hospitalised.

So to get a collective of dysfunctional people together, all feeding from each other, they seek to brainwash everyone else that their perception of normalcy is everyones perception ie all "families are dysfunctional" , "your mum is a narc", "your dad is abusive", "LTB" . It's an agenda.

@MargaretCavendish
I live far away from both my siblings but still would say I have a close relationship with them. It's obviously not the same as if we lived next door to each other but we make the effort to stay in touch and visit when we can. This is quite common amongst my friends that live away from their siblings so I'm not sure distance is what makes or breaks sibling relationships.

I do agree more with you about cousins though. In my experience it's much easier to lose that bond once someone moves away, perhaps because you haven't forged such a strong relationship in childhood as you haven't lived in such close proximity as you would a sibling?

I do also wonder whether you'd feel the same if you'd ever had to look after anyone with dementia past the very early stages - 24/7, with virtually no help or time off. So often dementia is NOT just a case of a nice old thing gently getting more forgetful. It can be, and very often is, incredibly stressful and exhausting to cope with.

You have no idea where I work, what I do daily, what my parents died of, or anything else about me. But thanks for the projection that I couldn't possibly know anything about anything.

Ditch the guilt. You can't do right for wrong. My son wants a brother, my daughter wants a sister. One child is disabled and that's had an enormous impact on all of us. And I had PND with my second child and would never consider having another baby.

And the only children/adults I know are kind, generous, thoughtful and have support from friends, partners and wider family.

I've said this before but I really dislike the phrase "only child" - it sounds lonely and the reality IME doesn't actually reflect that at all.

I am nominally the middle one of three. Except one has died and I chose to go non contact with the other. The non contact sibling made my childhood hell, the deceased sibling was so much younger we didn't really have a shared childhood and our adult relationship was more friendship rather than sibling. I would have been perfectly happy as an only, and I am pretty sure my older sibling would have been overjoyed to be an only.

NewYear
A lot of people on these boards have actually fixed their issues and aren’t dysfunctional. It doesn’t stop them from coming from dysfunctional families as they can only change themselves.

The irony is the more you post on this and other threads the more people get a picture of who you are and it is clear you have a fair few issues of your own.

I'm an only child and I've always been very happy with it. I might have loved siblings but I'll never know so it's not something I've ever missed. I didn't have a cousin until I was 13 so I was very close to my grandparents and my parents always have a lot on 1:1 time with me. I do think that if you choose to have an only one though you will need to invite friends over more often and maybe take them on holiday when they are a bit older. My dd will probably be an only one and I know I'll be able to provide more financially for her than I would with two. Having a baby is a massive thing, both physically and emotionally so only have another if you and your Dh really want.

It's swings and roundabouts.

True that there is a greater and heavier responsibility on the single child when parents age, but there is the benefit of being sole beneficiary. Also, an only child benefits from of all the focus and resources from their parents.

I really didn't miss out so much as an only child, though I went on to have two children. Two is so much more work than one. It would have been simpler to stop at one. Possibly easier on my marriage.

No one right way, don't feel guilty OP. It's just how cards fall in life.

Every other culture in the world take care of its weak, vulnerable and elderly. Except the West - which farms them out to nurseries, care homes and hospices.

Wow. My dad is in the early stages of Alzheimers and whilst he doesn't require much care yet, when he eventually does I won't be able to provide any despite living nearby. That's because I have 2 young dc and also a job, which I need to keep a roof over our heads. When I'm not working I'm looking after the dc, to avoid "farming them out to nursery" full time as you so eloquently put it. I simply won't have the time or financial capacity to care for him.

My DH's nan had Alzheimers and his elderly gdad took care of her for 5+ years, until it nearly killed him actually. When he died, his mum tried to take care of her but their home was unsuitable due to stairs etc and she was also violent and aggressive.

Nobody desperately wants to put their kids in nursery or parents in care homes - it's just necessary in many cases.

@Fluffyrainbows - I didn't comment on this thread - that was someone else.

I haven’t read the whole OP, but I was happy with one child, however Dh and Dc1 longed for us to have another to “complete” our family. I eventually did (four year age gap) but PND reared It’s ugly head and I’m
Not coping so well, I knew deep down it would as I had it with Dc1). I would say you’re not depriving your child of a sibling and don’t feel as if you are obliged to have another. Your needs matter as well and it’s perfectly Possible to be content with just the one child. Take care

I'm one of five! I have four and I love it.

Each to their own eh.

My dd3 has said she wishes she didn't have a sister (she has a twin who she mostly loves but can annoy each other). The grass always seems greener. Pros and cons for each. I'd be encouraging play dates, but I do that for my 3 anyway to split them up a bit.

I'm an only and hate it. I didn't get the extra attention that an only apparently get or see cousins all the time or have lots of friends. I didn't really have any friends.

If you do stick with one, you need to put in ALOT extra time for them which you wouldn't need to do with a sibling as otherwise they will be on their own with noone to talk or play with nearly all the time.

Am exactly in the same position as you

Of course YANBU, you should only have a child if it is what you really want. Children deserve to be wanted for themselves and not just as siblings or care givers.

I have one DS who will be staying that way for the sake of my health, our marriage and my son's happiness because in all likelihood having a mother with PND and divorcing parents would have a negative impact on his happiness.

I only have one child, that was my plan, it was pretty hard going getting to that point to be honest.

I am the youngest of four siblings and they don't speak to me....go figure! Just because you have more than one doesn't mean they will all be fine and dandy when they get older.