My mum was a cunt. She’s gone, AIBU to still mourn?

[TheBubble]

So, after a wine or so I need to ask if other shave experienced what I am currently going through.

My mum wasn’t the best parent. She and my father had me far too young. I was a problem baby so I was mostly with my dad’s family who became surrogate parents. Mum was always depressed and irritable, her depression meant that she couldn’t go out and be ‘like other mums’. My memories are so hazy of my childhood but I remember that my mum locked me in a coal shed when I was 4-5 because she thought it was funny. She did hit me, I flinched when someone raised their hand or their voice. I was skittish around my parents and I realize this could be abuse but due to my mother constantly telling me that I “Carried stories” to my grandparents (i.e tell them that my parents had hit me) and telling me I was a liar I barely believe my own memories or feelings.

Because of this I craved my mother’s love. She never showed me it, it was never her way to be touchy and because of that I always wanted her love and approval. We fought like cat and dog, I realise my relationship with her was toxic but I always crawled back. We had huge, horrible fights, she was awfully controlling but now she’s dead.

It was sudden and I feel so much has been left on said. We were just starting to fix our relationship and now she’s gone. My mother was my last connection to her family, beucase I was always with my dad’s I never connected with them but my mum was my link. I feel like I’ve lost half my family. I feel like there’s a gaping wound in my chest. I think if her mostly at night and the last time we could have spoke I ignored her call. The guilt is killing me.

I didn’t se her in months and I should have. She was house bound, I was able and It’s all killing me because I hated her and I loved her. She was someone I never thought would leave me and now she’s really gone. I don’t know what to do.

How the Hell do I heal from this? Does it get easier? I don’t know what the fuck to do.

You must must must seek some counselling. You have survived an abusive up bringing and nod you’re let stranded with all of these emotions. Please get some counselling. I have benefitted so much from being able to use these services to heal myself

My dad was like abusive, I went no contact for 15 years then agreed to meet him a couple of months before he passed. You'll be grieving the relationship you should have had. No advice (other than the passing of time/counselling might help a little) but just wanted to say sorry for your loss and I empathise with what you're going through

I think working your feelings through with a properly qualified counsellor is a good suggestion. You're grieving your mother, grieving for the mother you never had and most likely for the childhood you never had too. It's a terrible amount to process on your own. None of how you feel is unreasonable at all

So sorry. It does get easier but it does take time.
I know most people feel guilt when a parent dies - i know i did. My dad locked me in the coal cellar too!
But i still miss the old bugger 18 years after he died.
Some of us don't get the happy after with troubled relationships - life can be so unfair.

I think you should reassure yourself that you were trying to make peace with your mum rather than feel guilty over ignoring her call.
Your mum was a damaged woman and you need to show love and tolerance to that little girl you once were.

We had on and off again contact mostly due to our fights but I always went back to her. I just feel like shit because I had one more chance to hear her voice, to hug her and I didn’t take it because I was too damn lazy. I took her for granted and the death was so sudden.

The other half of me doesn’t know how to feel. Am I normal to still love her or am I conditioned this way. I feel like a broken mess.

Yes, it will get easier. That's a fact so take comfort in it.

And now have a big (((hug)))

I identify with your feelings but am out the other side. You're currently in shock, so please, do take time to be kind to yourself.

The biggest fact that you need to acknowledge is that you're not responsible for your parents and that you most certainly are deserving of both love and affection.

Learn that none of us are able to fix everything and most particularly we can't fix other people

Yes you are grieving what could have and should have been. I also recommend counselling to work through it all. You have some very complex emotions. The best thing I can advise is to let yourself feel whatever you feel. Sit and really let yourself feel it, don’t push it away. I found that when I started accepting how I feel it began to heal.

I agree with people who say you are grieving the relationship you should have had. My childhood wasn't as bad as yours but my mother had mental health issues and we always had a difficult relationship and she always blamed me for anything that went wrong.

I do understand how you feel. You should go for some counselling.

Yes go for counselling. I didn't have any until 15 years later. I should have done it 18 years ago. If I had done that, i would have made better choices.

It helps so much knowing you all have gone through similar and have felt and survived it.

I have a half sister from my dad, she’s family but has her own complex mental health problems. My dad is falling apart and it feels like I’m responsible for him. He started taking drugs to cope with mums passing and my mums family are determined I visit him constantly to ‘check on him’. I feel like if he does something stupid i’ll Be to blame for not seeing him enough. I felt the same when mum passed like I wasnt entitled to grieve for her because of our rocky relationship.

I also don’t know how to feel about my ‘abuse’. My parents had issues that caused their problems (too young, lack of sleep, lack of life) but back then it would have been ‘normal’ to hit a child. I was made to feel like I lied about everything that happened to me. I know how fucked am is because of my parents but I doubt myself which is causing my hesitation in going to a counsellor.

I would definitely try to get some counselling. My Dad was abusive and very volatile and I still mourned him. He was a young parent too. When he died everyone talked about what a kind man he was and I found that very hard, because it didn't fit with my perception of him at all. We did have some good moments once I was grown up but there were still bad ones too. I try to remember the good parts while acknowledging that not everyone sees a person in the same way. I also felt terribly guilty because I didn't see him for the last 2.5 years of his life - we live in Europe and my health was not great so I found it hard to travel, but the fact that I found it hard to spend time with him was also a factor. I would have visited if I'd known he was sick but he died quite suddenly and relatively young, which I think made it harder too.

Cross posted - don't doubt yourself Yes it was more normal to hit children when we were young but that doesn't mean it was right and locking you in the cellar was also cruel.

I would look for a person-centred or psycho-dynamic counsellor rather than CBT.

You can write here a letter.

Seal it in an envelope and put it away.

When you feel better, burn it.

Op you didn't miss that last chance to hug her because you were too lazy. It was her fault your relationship never worked - you missed one theoretical chance to show her your love and see it returned, while she fucked up your childhood and deprived you of a lifetime of love.

Stop blaming yourself, find a really good counsellor and start to empty out a lifetime's pain.

I do know how you feel, except for mine is still here trying to fuck me over.

Similar situation my mum passed 6 years ago now and left behind me and 2 very young siblings(father waste of space) siblings were (4)&(2)at time of her passing, which I became their SG.
I thought she was the best mum ever but she wasn't!
She let me down in so many ways that I couldn't bring myself to even say on here!
She was incredibly selfish and stubborn!
I have to say at the time I was devastated, had s break down!
Which is then I was referred to counciling, which made me see I was not the problem! She was!
People may think I'm out of order for saying this but I'm pretty cool with the fact she has gone tbh cause I wouldn't be the mother/special guardian I am today!
And I know I have done her job a MILLION percent better than her!
My siblings have a much much better childhood and life now than they would have if she was here...Sad too many but honestly it is the truth!
You will get there OP the pain doesn't ever go!...even though I'm cool with her gone cause it was so sad to watch die and look they way she did it breaks my heart, but you learn to live with it OP
Please get councilling it will help so so so much

I’m so sorry OP. Your post is heartbreaking. I don’t have much by the way of advice as others have already said it, but I’m Sending you lots of love and best wishes. I truly hope you can work through this.

Please talk to a professional. Please.

My husband's mother was an abusive alcoholic. He had been nc with her for 15 years, heard from an old neighbour that she had remarried, seemed to have pulled her life together and doing okay. Then her husband died and it became clear he was the one keeping her going and she died a month later. He guilt of not checking on her was really hurting my husband.

My dad was physically emotionally and sexually abusive to me and my two siblings and mum. He left when I was nine, and I only saw him sporadically on a court order access arrangement until I was 11 ish. He terrified me. I saw him once when I was 18 and then never again.

When my dad died when I was 40 I didn’t grieve him. In some ways I felt relief that he was no longer alive and the worry that I should try and have an adult relationship with him was no longer relevant. Also relieved that he wasn’t there to continue having a weird power over my sister. Also a relief to hear about his pitiful demise and empty funeral.

But I wasn’t prepared for the grief for what he should of been and the father I should have had to hit me like a tonne of bricks. And 3 years later when my much loved mum died for the grief for her to be compacted by the grief for my indentify as the child of those two people and that relationship and having no way to talk to them both about it anymore.

Pressed too soon.

He struggled so much with the love/hate resentment/guilt (was removed by ss and placed with his dad at 14 and only saw her once since then) especially knowing that she had MH problems that caused some of her behaviours. Talking to a counsellor about it has helped him massively.

I hope you find some peace soon, OP. And it's absolutely okay to mourn! It's a part of your life 'gone' and you're allowed to feel like something is missing (it is). Sending a really big hug.

Hi OP. Your post made me well up. I didn't have the best relationship with my mum and have had difficult moments since her death 4 yrs ago. Some things i may never forgive her for. It's a shit feeling.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and allow the grief to come for as long as it takes. Like pp said you are grieving the relationship you never had with her.

After a horribly painful break up which took me years to recover from, I found it really helpful to write a letter to my ex and say everything i could never say in person. I had every intention of posting it but never did and later realised that just writing it all down had helped me release the pain. Maybe this could help you a little? To reminisce about the good times and relive the laughs. Or even to speak bluntly about how much she hurt you. It might be cathartic. And yes. Counselling. It sounds like that would help enormously.

Hope your broken heart heals

It’s a strange thing, but your relationship with someone really can continue long after they’ve gone. It can also improve, or become a calm memory rather than an upsetting one. Counselling is the route to this.

Guilt and grief can be a very painful and debilitating combination. Get it seen too. Especially if you need to look after your dad as well. It will take a bit of time, but it will really change your life for the better.

My dad was a violent abusive alcoholic. We were minimal contact throughout my teens after my mum got us away from him.

The last time I saw him was when I was 21, about 2 months before he died. He broke into our house and passed out drunk in our living room in the middle of the day. I came home and found him. I rolled him in to a taxi, took £20 out of his back pocket and told him to fuck off.

That took a lot of getting over. I felt terribly guilty that I had treated him so badly, even though god knows he had treated us worse on many occasions. I felt I should have done more, been stronger. My mum felt the same guilt even though she had been amazingly strong to get away from him and forge a brilliant life for me and my brother, who are both now successful graduates with happy personal lives. She felt she let him down by leaving.

What I’m trying to say, OP, is that it’s “normal” to feel guilty. But the situation was not if your doing. It is the basic role of a parent to provide security for your child. Your mum didn’t do it. My dad didn’t do it. But the child still feels guilty anyway. It’s wrong. It’s not your fault.

My dad died 19 years ago this month. I think about him often. But I feel no guilt. I feel sadness that his life turned out like it did. But that’s not my fault and all I can do is look forward, with optimism. One day, you will do the same.

hooochycoo sums it up. I grieved for what should have been, not what I actually lost. I grieved for my dad long before he died.

@TheBubble please, please, please go and see a counselor. Go to your GP and get some help. Your mum's behavior and death are not your fault or your responsibility. And your father is not your responsibility either.

It is sad you did not get time to experience the relationship you craved with your mum BUT that is not your fault.

If you get some counselling you will find a way to understand your mum and her situation a bit better but not take the responsibility for it and to recognize she made her own choices that were not your fault.

Likewise your dad, although he may be devastated by the loss of your mum or by life in general it is his responsibility to sort this out. Many people lose loved ones and do not turn to drugs. Encourage him to seek help but do not feel it is your responsibility to check on him all the time.

I think it is normal to feel sad when someone dies, normal to feel guilt if the relationship was not great, but despite feeling responsible YOU ARE NOT!

Please get the help you need because you should be free from this guilt to live your life. I don't know how old you are now but you need to move forward into your own future without this burden because it is not your burden to carry.

@GaryWilmotsTeeth I am sorry to hear about your dad but you 100% did the right thing. We are not responsible for our parents.

It's a strange thing, but your relationship with someone really can continue long after they’ve gone. It can also improve, or become a calm memory rather than an upsetting one.

I agree. Since their deaths I have found out more about my parents through older family members.

I have more understanding and compassion for them. Few people are truly evil or all bad.