So, after a wine or so I need to ask if other shave experienced what I am currently going through.
My mum wasn’t the best parent. She and my father had me far too young. I was a problem baby so I was mostly with my dad’s family who became surrogate parents. Mum was always depressed and irritable, her depression meant that she couldn’t go out and be ‘like other mums’. My memories are so hazy of my childhood but I remember that my mum locked me in a coal shed when I was 4-5 because she thought it was funny. She did hit me, I flinched when someone raised their hand or their voice. I was skittish around my parents and I realize this could be abuse but due to my mother constantly telling me that I “Carried stories” to my grandparents (i.e tell them that my parents had hit me) and telling me I was a liar I barely believe my own memories or feelings.
Because of this I craved my mother’s love. She never showed me it, it was never her way to be touchy and because of that I always wanted her love and approval. We fought like cat and dog, I realise my relationship with her was toxic but I always crawled back. We had huge, horrible fights, she was awfully controlling but now she’s dead.
It was sudden and I feel so much has been left on said. We were just starting to fix our relationship and now she’s gone. My mother was my last connection to her family, beucase I was always with my dad’s I never connected with them but my mum was my link. I feel like I’ve lost half my family. I feel like there’s a gaping wound in my chest. I think if her mostly at night and the last time we could have spoke I ignored her call. The guilt is killing me.
I didn’t se her in months and I should have. She was house bound, I was able and It’s all killing me because I hated her and I loved her. She was someone I never thought would leave me and now she’s really gone. I don’t know what to do.
How the Hell do I heal from this? Does it get easier? I don’t know what the fuck to do.