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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed with OH for shouting at me

42 replies

nearlysummer2018 · 05/07/2018 20:20

So as a bit of context my DH and I met late in 2013 after a traumatic start to my year. I was physically and sexually assaulted by a man in my own home. He fractured my skull, broke my nose, fingers, ribs, cheek and hit me over 100 times with a leather belt before trying to rape me. I have high anxiety, EUPD, multiple eating disorders anyway and this assault resulted in PTSD.

It was all still going through crown court (he pled not guilty) when DH and I met so before anything started I explained why I wouldn't let him come to my house, give me lifts etc. I would only see him in public places because I was nervous. But he deserved to know why so I told him the details of the story and showed him the online article about it. He didn't really want to talk about it and couldn't come to court when it went to trial because it wasn't nice for him. It's now 5yts on and still never discussed. The man who did it was even moved into supported housing near our house when released to serve the remainder of his sentence tagged but still he would t talk about it.

Tonight though he was sat in the living room and was messing with his belt to show our little boy the sound it makes and I asked him not to even before he started. He snapped it really loud and I inadvertently jumped and left the room. It honestly made my blood run cold and was horrific. He had a massive go at me for over reacting and walking away when he was only messing about. I told him I didn't want him doing it because the noise scares me and he knows why i hate it. He went off in a huff and told me to grow up.

Now I'm a bit annoyed he shouted at me. I sort of want him to apologise or promise not to do it again but I think that's being a bit mean to him as he does t like to talk about what happened to me before we met. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed? Should I be over it by now? I'm quite stressed at work atm so maybe that's adding to my anxiety and I was over reacting.

OP posts:
Aintnothingbutaheartache · 05/07/2018 20:25

I am shocked at what you went through. You should be very proud of yourself that you have been able to get on with life, marry & have your son.
It’s completely normal to have these anxieties after suffering such trauma.
I think you really need to talk to DH about your feelings. You sound like you don’t want to upset him, when it’s you who have the reasons for upset.

naygwan · 05/07/2018 20:26

Thanks That was one of the most awful things I've read, so sorry you had to go through it. He's been a complete dick, shouting at you when you were understandably upset is not on. Do you think he snapped the belt deliberately to rattle you, or has he had a massively defensive guilty reaction when he's realised what he's done? Either way you deserve a proper conversation and apology

gamerchick · 05/07/2018 20:27

How do you even start to get over something like that? Confused your bloke is an insensitive, unsupportive cock.

He does have the right not wanting to know details but should be supportive about how traumatising your experience was. He needs to know that much because if he did something like that again he'll be deliberately cruel. He should not be wanting to do anything that causes you pain, that's what we do for each other in a relationship.

IrregularCommentary · 05/07/2018 20:35

So he can't hear or read about what happened to you because he finds it too traumatic, but making sounds etc that you associate with that horrific attack (that you actually experienced) is fine and you're being oversensitive by being bothered by it?

No. He's being a complete prick at best. I can't fathom why someone would behave like that to someone they were indifferent towards, let alone supposed to love.

Please don't minimise your feelings, he sounds like he's doing that enough for the both of you.

SharronNeedles · 05/07/2018 20:43

Tbh, I would tell him you need to talk about it with him. If he doesn't want to hear then he has no respect for you.
Yes it's always difficult to hear about someone hurting someone we love, but he needs to help you, not hinder you! And not talking about it doesn't make it not have happened.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, I genuinely wish you all the best

HollowTalk · 05/07/2018 20:47

If he can't talk to you or more importantly listen to you, then he can't be in your life. That's the way it is. What happened to you was horrific and while it would be difficult for anyone to hear about, where he showed his true colours was when he couldn't accompany you to court.

This is not a man who's got your back, OP. He needs things to be nice all the time, to pretend bad things didn't happen. He also should be absolutely ashamed of himself for his behaviour now.

Smallhorse · 05/07/2018 20:49

Not ok on any level. On any planet

Blueemeraldagain · 05/07/2018 20:50

So he can't hear or read about what happened to you because he finds it too traumatic, but making sounds etc that you associate with that horrific attack (that you actually experienced) is fine and you're being oversensitive by being bothered by it?

This is completely right. Have you pointed this out to him?

I can’t believe he wouldn’t come to court with you because it wasn’t nice for him! I’ll bet it was a fucking picnic for you.

If I were in your shoes I’d be insisting on an apology and couples therapy to discuss the attack. I don’t think he has the right to bury his head in the sand and be in a relationship with you.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/07/2018 20:50

This is absolutely terrible, I think I've rarely heard of anyone having less empathy. Would he tell a war veteran with PTSD to stop flinching at the sound of fireworks etc? Sorry I don't know what to suggest but there is no way YABU, he is behaving terribly to carry on doing something that understandably really upsets you, and then have the nerve to get annoyed with you about it rather than profusely apologising for (at best) being a thoughtless idiot

Snowysky20009 · 05/07/2018 20:55

This is not ok a

Snowysky20009 · 05/07/2018 20:57

at all

Big hugs to you strong lady Xx

Kittykat93 · 05/07/2018 21:00

So sorry for what happened to you op. For what it's worth I think your dp has been a complete dick. He damn well should be apologising to you, not going off in a huff and shouting! I know it's hard but you honestly need to have a talk with him about things. Thanks

ARoomSomewhere · 05/07/2018 21:06

OP. Of course, a belt cracking is likely to upset you. You've been to hell.
He needs to hear what happened - if he 'won't/cant' or then still behaves this way you need him out of your life. I am so sorry.x

Shumpalumpa · 05/07/2018 21:19

Sounds like DH doesn't care or has no sympathy for what you went through.

I would sit him down and tell him that you went through a horrific and traumatic incident and that whilst you have accepted that he does not want to talk about it, the very least he can do is understand what are your triggers for recalling the incident and try to avoid them.

If he is not willing to do this then it would seriously make me question if I want to spend my life with soneone so lacking in empathy and care for his wife.

HollowTalk · 05/07/2018 21:27

OP, you might have been clutching at straws when you met your OH. Because he didn't resemble the other guy, perhaps, you felt safe. Now, years on perhaps you can see that he's not the right one for you.

Stopitjuststopit2018 · 05/07/2018 21:31

No sorry, you’re the victim here, not him. He sounds completely insensitive to what you’ve been through. Why will he not talk about it with you, has he said why?

So sorry for what you went through Sad

Outnotdown · 05/07/2018 21:32

"couldn't come to court when it went to trial because it wasn't nice for him"

That is enough to tell me that he will put himself before you, every time.

It wasn't nice for you, either, was it?

Ask yourself, if he needed you like that, would you have gone to court to support him? You are excusing a lot of shitty behavior from him and blaming yourself instead of him.

Perhaps if he will go to relationship therapy with you, he might gain enough insight to be more supportive. I would bet he won't go with you though.

And in that case, I would end the relationship.

Sorry op, wish I could be more positive. You are a very impressive person, strong and compassionate. Good luck

GreasyFryUp · 05/07/2018 21:53

OP you deserve better than this after all you've been through.

Original poster
nearlysummer2018 · 05/07/2018 21:57

Thank you for your replies. He's got over his initial reaction and I've explained to him why I reacted like I did again. He seems uncomfortable so I think it was genuinely a thoughtless moment and his reaction was more to cover his own guilt than having a go at me. He's said sorry and has promised he will be more considerate in the future.

But yes if the tables were turned I would be there for him whether I wanted to or not. Going to trial wasn't a pleasant experience and it made me really ill for a bit before and after. Especially because my family didn't come either due to being ashamed that the local paper had printed a story about it (they didn't use my name but my mum said people would know).

He was very patient with me and still accepted me baggage and all including mental health issues and over the top startle reflex sometimes. I think being a mum makes you strong because you realise you have to get your house in order to protect them. The person I was five years ago was a victim and my weakness made me an easy victim. I promised myself I would never let myself be that weak again because no one will protect me except me.

I am happy not to talk about it with my DH and he has made me promise not to tell our son.

Sorry I didn't reply sooner I was doing bedtime and tidying up.

OP posts:
seasure · 05/07/2018 22:00

Its too late for a grown man to learn empathy I'm afraid .
You have two choices OP. Either :stay and accept that he has no empathy for you and will not support you or understand your trauma and leave him completely out of your support circle . Expect zero sympathy , expect him to trigger your trauma . Call him out on it , calmly, without expecting results . It's a fine art that will make or break your sanity and an act very very few women can sustain. The other choice is to leave .

LadyLoveYourWhat · 05/07/2018 22:02

Of course you are not being unreasonable! Why was your husband even thinking of cracking his belt knowing what you've been through? It was so unnecessary! You haven't over-reacted at all

HollowTalk · 05/07/2018 22:53

I think it's your business what you tell your son. Why is that his decision?

missperegrinespeculiar · 05/07/2018 23:18

he's made you promise not to tell your son? not ok OP, of course he is the father and can offer an opinion, but in the end, it is up to you to decide who you tell once your son is an adult

RitaMad · 05/07/2018 23:48

Fuck relationship therapy. My blood runs cold reading this. Have my first LTB. You deserve much, much better.

ChasedByBees · 05/07/2018 23:54

He sounds DS beyond insensitive. It’s your decision whether to tell your son too. What’s his reason for not wanting you to tell him? You were not at fault in any way.

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