To be annoyed with OH for shouting at me

[nearlysummer2018]

So as a bit of context my DH and I met late in 2013 after a traumatic start to my year. I was physically and sexually assaulted by a man in my own home. He fractured my skull, broke my nose, fingers, ribs, cheek and hit me over 100 times with a leather belt before trying to rape me. I have high anxiety, EUPD, multiple eating disorders anyway and this assault resulted in PTSD.

It was all still going through crown court (he pled not guilty) when DH and I met so before anything started I explained why I wouldn't let him come to my house, give me lifts etc. I would only see him in public places because I was nervous. But he deserved to know why so I told him the details of the story and showed him the online article about it. He didn't really want to talk about it and couldn't come to court when it went to trial because it wasn't nice for him. It's now 5yts on and still never discussed. The man who did it was even moved into supported housing near our house when released to serve the remainder of his sentence tagged but still he would t talk about it.

Tonight though he was sat in the living room and was messing with his belt to show our little boy the sound it makes and I asked him not to even before he started. He snapped it really loud and I inadvertently jumped and left the room. It honestly made my blood run cold and was horrific. He had a massive go at me for over reacting and walking away when he was only messing about. I told him I didn't want him doing it because the noise scares me and he knows why i hate it. He went off in a huff and told me to grow up.

Now I'm a bit annoyed he shouted at me. I sort of want him to apologise or promise not to do it again but I think that's being a bit mean to him as he does t like to talk about what happened to me before we met. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed? Should I be over it by now? I'm quite stressed at work atm so maybe that's adding to my anxiety and I was over reacting.

"So he can't hear or read about what happened to you because he finds it too traumatic, but making sounds etc that you associate with that horrific attack (that you actually experienced) is fine and you're being oversensitive by being bothered by it?"

This. 100 times over.

Firstly, I am so very sorry to hear about what happened to you.
Secondly, I echo everything @RitaMad said.
Fuck that. He sounds like a selfish bastard with no empathy and quite frankly you deserve better. If you wanted to tell your son one day, that's your choice, not his. He is being a coward by running away from all of this, instead of helping you.

You have said if the tables were turned it would be a different story, so why are you settling for less than you're giving? Obviously on MN we just read a small portion of the whole situation but this is a really, really important factor in the relationship.

His reaction to your trigger of the belt, says it all really. LTB.

He sounds like a nasty fucker.

He also does not deserve you.

Mumsnet default answer “LTB”, Misery loves company.

@LadyLoveYourWhat I think he just forgot. The fact I told him not to before he did it was what annoyed me. I'm too soft though and think that he sometimes thinks I'm just stopping him doing things for the fun of it.

How awful for you. This is not your fault and you should hold no shame or guilt for this. Why do certain cultures think the women have to uphold honour of the family and then the men can do whatever they like and not be held accountable

I can't imagine what you went through, you sound so brave and strong.
Your dh sounds a complete arse!! he couldn't bare to hear about it, he couldn't go to the trial, wtffffff- he should have been doing whatever you needed him to do to help you get through it.
with regards to the belt, do not let him minimise this, he knows fine what he's doing, if anyone need to grow up, it's him, that is completely out of order, he doesn't sound supportive at all, and you should seriously consider wither this man is someone you would like to continue to be married too

@Gin96 my family are very big on what might bring them shame. When I was very ill my eating disorder was very prevalent and my weight dropped to 6st. My mum didn't speak to me for almost a year because she didn't like what I was doing and it embarrassed her. My EUPD is never spoken about in the family either for the same reason.

As for telling our son I know he has a say in it and I respect that. I'm not 100% sure I will or won't tell our son. I was going to wait till he was grown up and emotionally mature enough to listen and understand if I was going to. But I think that's the problem with my OH. He's not emotionally mature. He's quite self centred with everyone and I feel sorry for him.

I never comment on OPs in AIBU wrt relationships but need to say this.
Your DH and your family are really NOT supportive. Your DH sounds like he's played you - "I love you even though you're broken, aren't I fantastic?" and your mum cares more about what otheers think than about how you feel.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you and angry at the lack of support you've had. You deserve lovely people who are always there to listen and be sensitive to your reactions.

You need support not judgment, give yourself a big hug, you are a strong woman to cope with this on your own. Your oh is weak he can’t even hear what you’ve gone through. I wish you all the best, take care

OP, you sound amazingly strong but this man sounds like bad news. How dare he make you promise not to tell your son? This attack, and more importantly your survival and that you have rebuilt your life, is a part of your history and a part of your journey to who you are now. If you wanted to say to your son that sometimes mummy gets scared because a long time ago a bad man hurt her, [I know you would put it better than that!] it's completely your decision.

He made you promise not to tell your son? This is not about him, how dare he! Not ok at all

Can I say something that might be a little hard to read, OP?

Your DH's issue with not wanting to know the details of what happened may stem, at least in some part, from his desire to see you as this strong, emotionally resilient and trauma-free partner with a perfect, unblemished past. He loves you, and you are a manifestation of good in his life, so to then associate the version of you that he knows with the idea of a "victim" who has been through something so traumatic and dark may be very difficult for him to come to terms with. What I'm getting at, is that if you were quite open about the existence of the attack when you first met, his reluctance to know the details may initially have been more to do with not wanting to change his vision/first impressions of you and not so much that he simply loved you so much that hearing of you being hurt was too painful to contemplate.

That might sound like a bit of a horrible distinction to make but the reason why I think it might be important is because it would explain his feelings of annoyance at your reaction to him cracking the belt. You reminded him that you have this very dark and traumatic event in your past and that your life has not always been the happy, peaceful version he likes to picture. If his feelings surrounding the attack came entirely from a place of love and wanting to protect you from harm I can't help but feel he would have been absolutely mortified at having upset you and rushing to apologise and ask your forgiveness rather than essentially stomping off and throwing a tantrum at what was a perfectly understandable reaction from you given your past.

This is not to say he doesn't genuinely and sincerely love you, but perhaps his feelings around the attack are more complex and self-serving than you might like to think. Sometimes people put us on a pedestal and when the veil falls and any hint of a disturbing or traumatic event in our previous life is exposed it can make them panic that the vision they have of us is not as sunshine and rainbows as they like to think.

How are you today OP? sending love to you.x

You mentioned that your op had accepted you plus your baggage.

But he hasn't. He's accepted you WITHOUT the emotional baggage that comes from utterly horrific circumstances. Your family haven't been of support, either.

Who is there for you, OP?

I have ptsd from many years of violent sexual abuse. My Dh has modified his behavior over the years so as not to trigger me. He paid for my very expensive therapy. He knows some but not all details. He has worked with me and learned with me how to help, how to uphold my boundaries with things I am not comfortable with. He's cheered for me and cried with me. He's in my corner and on my side and fiercely protective of me yet also tells me how strong and awesome I am.
Don't he time wrong he's acted hurt and upset and sometimes reacted in the wrong way, but always changed or apologised or we have talked it through.
This is how it should be.
You deserve to be honored. You deserve for someone to see you as the awesome, strong, survivor you are and to celebrate that with you. He should have held you when he triggered you (if that's what you needed) he should be reminding you that you are safe now, with him.
His reaction is not OK at all.

So sorry for you OP what a hellish ordeal you went through.

I read your OP a few hours ago and it just hasn’t left. Even without the history it seems a weird thing for your DH to do - playing with a belt just doesn’t seem like a normal activity with a young child. Then to continue when he knows your experience - best case scenario he’s a thoughtless idiot - but it is possible he did it deliberately to shock or frighten you, or maybe a bit of gaslighting to make you doubt your fantastic recovery from what happened.

I know you’ve talked it over and you’re ok with things now but I’d keep a close eye on his behaviour with a critical eye for a while.

Yanbu. He should support you in managing your ptsd and that includes talking to you, listening to you, not doing things which will trigger you and not telling you to “grow up”.

His treatment of you is appalling.