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AIBU?

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Original poster

To bring this up with person I'm dating from Tinder?

27 replies

Arghhhhhelp · 05/07/2018 14:44

Have been dating guy for 6 weeks now, all going very well. See each other regularly. Seems really into me and I feel the same, has been really sweet to me. keeps inviting me to hang out with his friends, saying that he's in this for the long run etc.. We're not official but I thought we were exclusive. (He said to me recently he's all mine and I'm all his) Although to be fair this wasn't concrete, I guess. He also said recently he has cancelled his Tinder subscription. A few days ago he was over at mine and his phone flashed and I could see he had a Tinder notification. On Tinder you can tell where someone was last active from how far their distance is away from yours. So as soon as he left I decided to check when he was active, sure enough he had been on Tinder when he was at my house, I was really upset but felt like I was being too crazy to mention anything, but since then I can't help but check his Tinder constantly and he's on it practically all day. I'm too embarrassed to bring it up because I feel like I sound crazy for how short we've been dating, but also I don't want to invest any more effort into this if he's searching elsewhere. Will he think I'm crazy if I bring this up, or should I wait to confirm exclusiveity and if he's still on Tinder at that point then just bin him off? God all this dating malarkey is driving me crazy

OP posts:
MagicFajita · 05/07/2018 14:48

Dating shouldn't be this difficult op , you've been together 6 weeks and are checking up on him , and he's been telling you fibs.

Move on , he really isn't worth your time.

PerfectSunflowers · 05/07/2018 14:50

Ask him straight out.
It shouldn't be this difficult.
Tell him you don't want to play games.

AlphaBravo · 05/07/2018 14:50

Not worth your time op.

PorkFlute · 05/07/2018 14:52

He said he’s cancelled it and he hasn’t. I think you have every right to ask him why he lied.

Cliveybaby · 05/07/2018 14:53

If he explicitly said he was done with tinder but is still on it then he's lying to you, -simples!
Also if it's that easy to check, he's an idiot! (although it presumably looks to him like you're on it too?)

PinkHeart5914 · 05/07/2018 14:54

I think it’s absolutely fine to still be on a dating site just 6 weeks in, but you need to be hoesnt about it and he hasn’t he actually said he cancelled the membership. That’s not a misunderstanding that is a lie!

Your going crazy and checking up on him again after just 6 weeks

I find “I’m all yours, and your all mine” fucking creepy after 6 weeks tbh

Want my advice? Bin him off, I’d bet my house on better men being out there.....

Original poster
Arghhhhhelp · 05/07/2018 14:55

He didn't lie, you can still use Tinder for free without the subscription. He didn't say he cancelled the account.
I know it shouldn't be this hard but also we haven't actually officially said we are exclusive, I will bring that up with him.
I'll ask if if he's still using Tinder out right I think, then I'll know if he's lying to me or not

OP posts:
Original poster
Arghhhhhelp · 05/07/2018 14:56

I just didn't want to come across CRAZY for telling him I'm checking up on him (that's my issues not his)

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 05/07/2018 14:58

He didn't lie, you can still use Tinder for free without the subscription. He didn't say he cancelled the account.

Shock

He was bloody misleading though, wasn’t he?

Have you cancelled your account?

NotTakenUsername · 05/07/2018 15:01

Just realised you can’t have cancelled yours because you are checking on him...

How do you know he’s not just appearing active because he’s checking on you and then you appear active because you’re checking on him?

whooamI · 05/07/2018 15:01

OP, I’m 40 so I missed Tinder, thank god, but to me 6 weeks in is quite a long time. Long enough to know if you want to make the effort, at least. Are you still on Tinder and would you want to be keeping option open? How often are you seeing him during the week?

youknowwherethecityis · 05/07/2018 15:03

Then just say you happened to notice a Tinder notification pop up on this phone.

I also find the "i'm all yours, you're all mine" creepy. And someone who says that while still checking their tinder account isn't worth bothering with

Original poster
Arghhhhhelp · 05/07/2018 15:05

I also told him I cancelled my subscription but I haven't cancelled the account.
I hadn't used Tinder for ages before I first checked a few days ago.
I don't think he's using it to check on me though.
We see each other 2-3 times a week.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/07/2018 15:08

He's checking on Tinder when he's at your HOUSE? Never mind the lying bit that's just fucking rude. I would get dump him.

NotTakenUsername · 05/07/2018 15:09

I don't think he's using it to check on me though.

But your account will look active to him if he does. Just like his looks active to you when you check his!? Grin

Are you looking at other men or just the guy you are dating?

Cath2907 · 05/07/2018 15:10

I met my husband on an internet dating site many years back (pre-tinder!) We spoke for ages on the phone before meeting in person and after our first date I saw another guy the following week for dinner (as I wasn't 100% sure DH was the the one after just a single date). However once we'd been out on 2 or 3 dates we both stopped looking at the internet dating - why bother, now had a boyfriend to concentrate on. To be honest I don't think I ever cancelled my account - it was free and by the time it occured to me to do so it was months later. Perhaps I am still floating about in the ether claiming to be single???????

I guess the point is if he was into you and a decent guy he'd not be on dating sites looking at other women. You can challenge him about it i you want but after 6 weeks of dating I'd assume there was exclusivity unless it had been specifically stated otherwise and I'd happily dump a guy for this and think it was a luck y escape.

DH and I have been married 12 years and together 14 - ever since that original internet dating blind date!

ltk · 05/07/2018 15:12

I would not expect exclusivity at 6 weeks, but I would expect honesty. If he has lied to you or misled you, I'd say that's that.

bringincrazyback · 05/07/2018 15:15

I'd bin him off now before you waste any more time on him, he doesn't seem trustworthy.

Tinkobell · 05/07/2018 15:19

End it and tell him why. He's completely disingenuous and using Tinder to play the field. He doesn't want to stop playing either.

Dieu · 05/07/2018 15:21

Going on Tinder while with YOU - and at YOUR house - is the height of disrespect.
Sorry OP Flowers

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 05/07/2018 15:28

I think I’m a bit weird... I would definitely expect exclusivity after 6 weeks... I would expect it after one date if more dates were planned to be honest!

I think if I don’t make a good enough impression on someone for them to know if they’d like to see me again if not, then I’m not the one for them.

I definitely know after one date if I want to see that person again, and if I do want to see that person I exclude anyone else until I’m either sure I’d like this person as my partner, or I know I don’t.. in which case I’d decline any further dates and move on. Same with them.

I’ve never experienced anything else to be fair... is this odd??

MargoLovebutter · 05/07/2018 15:32

Ask him straight out, if he is still on Tinder. What have you got to lose? You know he is, so if he tells you he isn't, you know he is a liar. If he tells you that he is still, then you can have the conversation about exclusivity and where you both think the relationship is headed.

AngelicDarkness · 05/07/2018 15:40

Your location updates via GPS on your phone..... Not when you were last active.

beachysandy81 · 05/07/2018 15:54

NotasGreen - I am with you. I must be old fashioned as I would expect exclusivity if I saw someone more than once as well.

Do people wait until they are exclusive to sleep with them or do you just expect people to sleep with others at the same time until you are exclusive?? Don't like the sound of dating these days!

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2018 16:07

If you can't communicate openly or be honest with each other, you don't have a relationship anyway. Just ask him about it. No preamble, no tip toeing around the subject.