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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not carry DC's and their mate's bookbags?

85 replies

VikingBlonde · 05/07/2018 11:24

Had a few kids coming home with us for playdates recently and I flatly refuse to carry anyone's bag. It's caused some upset from them and one of their mums commented on my 'tough love' attitude...

My kids love an effing huge Smiggle backpack filled with god knows what toot but I make them cart it back and forth. They want it, they carry it is my rule. The kids that come keep just HANDING me their bags as they exit the school and one huffed all the way home whining that it's SOOOO FAR and MY BAG IS SOOOO HEAVY and YOUR MAMA IS MEAN (that one demanded the WiFi code as soon as she got in) Hmm

It's a 10 minute walk max. With a backpack or a book bag. my DC's/their mates are 7 &9 I'm not a bloody mule... AIBU? What does everyone else do?

OP posts:
Original poster
VikingBlonde · 05/07/2018 12:52

Haha yes sorry I didn't mean THE MUM GOT INVOLVED in quite the heavy way it sounded haha. Her kids are a bit tiresome though. That same little whingebag also tried to hand me a chewed & spat out blackjack sweet at DS's birthday party saying "I don't like this please will you take it away" Hmm I said "pop it in the bin there's a love"...

My kids have school lunches and no music lessons, PE kits rot on their pegs all term and their bags are full of pokemon cards and Lol surprises which if it's tight if me not to carry I shall take that haha Smile

Have a lovely sunny day everyone!

OP posts:
Minisoksmakehardwork · 05/07/2018 12:52

Yanbu. Mine often come out and throw their bags at my feet, dashing off to play with friends while waiting for siblings to come out.

If they refuse to pick their bag up when we are leaving, I walk off and they soon grab it (ages 6,6 and 8). The 10 yo carries her own too and from as she often walks ahead of us and will be going to secondary in just over a year.

I will help them out if they are juggling PE bag, lunch bag, backpack and assorted whatever's they're bringing home. But they still have to carry their backpacks.

In my mind it's about teaching them responsibility for their belongings. They need to make sure they have everything themselves.

Takfujimoto · 05/07/2018 12:52

Book bags, lunch boxes, P.E kits and water bottles go in a backpack altogether and they sort the items out at their peg before class starts.
I don't mind chucking them under the pushchair if DC3 is going on the school run but otherwise they carry their own things.

I'm not a pack mule or a maid.

My eldest two 10 & 6 clean their own shoes (6 year old needs a bit of help) and put their own laundry away.

I don't run a sweat shop here but they have jobs to do which are age appropriate and taking care of your own things and taking responsibility for them is a lesson you can not repeat enough IMO.

unintentionalthreadkiller · 05/07/2018 12:52

I got mine backpacks in Y1 (they're supposed to have those crappy bookbags you cant fit anything in until Y3). They load the bag up with crap, they carry it.

I'll help with sports bags etc but they are perfectly capable of carrying a backpack for a ten minute walk. I'm usually lugging my laptop and work bag so they need to help.

Fatted · 05/07/2018 12:58

I generally make my kids carry their own backpacks. I will offer to help and carry them home sometimes and I have been known to pile my own crap like keys and phone in DS1's school bag on the way home as well if I've got my hands full.

I think the other mum is probably being sarcastic. She probably knows what a little madam her DC is.

Dancergirl · 05/07/2018 13:00

I used to help carry things when my dc were younger, it's about being kind and helpful, qualities I like to instil in my dc.

Funnily enough it didn't turn them into lazy good-for-nothings who expect things to be done for them Hmm

MN loves extremes, there is no middle ground! You don't have to be your child's slave, nor do you have to insist your child carries everything all the time....have a bit of flexibility.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 05/07/2018 13:02

We got DS a back pack for his second birthday and have been adding bits to it for him to carry himself.

I obviously carry heavy things as he's a baby but when he starts school I intend to get him a good backpack to carry himself.

My mum always used to carry my things and was very opposed to us being self sufficient/active/independent. I intend to make DS the opposite as sadly I became a very lazy adolescent because of it!

mrsm43s · 05/07/2018 13:06

One adult having to carry all the children's bags is not teaching them kindness - just the opposite in fact, as you are telling them they don't need to take their fair share of the load.

If they have several bag/items e.g swimming kit/instrument as well as the book bag, then yes, it would be kind and reasonable to take some of it, so that the load is shared more equally.

I'm afraid I would think a child who automatically dumps all their stuff on their parents a spoilt, entitled brat, with a lack of consideration for others.

StaplesCorner · 05/07/2018 13:08

Viking you clearly live in my village. I take it your car is crap (by their standards) too, not to mention to you don't bring it to collect kids. Playdates at your house will be endured rather than enjoyed.

I had a child ask to go home as I only had one toilet and its located upstairs in the bathroom. As a results, she said, she would be unable to wash her hands therefore it was my choice either she ate tea without washing them, or she left but there was NO WAY she was climbing those stairs.

Another girl wanted the doors opened for her. Yes, she wanted me to go to an internal door from one room to another and open it for her as she did not normally do that sort of thing herself at home. And then turn on the taps (I think its the hand washing that triggers it all). She was 10.

One did a wee on the floor in my daughter's bedroom (this is what happens when you don't provide en-suites for playdates), and her sister wanted to go home (again) as we didn't have a Wii (was latest new thing at the time).

That's all I can think of short notice but there are a LOT of others.

HairDyedPink · 05/07/2018 13:13

There's no health benefit whatsoever in making little ones carrying heavy bags on their back. I can't see the issue in helping your kids.

I do love the MN leap from carrying their bags for them and raising children with no sense of independence or self respect or whatever snowflake nonsense comes up Grin

Katedotness1963 · 05/07/2018 13:15

I carried my kids stuff when they were younger. Now they're teenagers and they carry stuff for me. It's nice to be nice.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 05/07/2018 13:16

Also I'm still bitter about a neighbour rolling her eyes and accusing me of treating DS like a baby when I put him in his buggy to get him home from playgroup (he was two and a half, it was a 2 mile walk partly up a steep hill and he needed a nap) while she bundled her own child into his car seat! Grrrrrrrrr

BluthsFrozenBananas · 05/07/2018 13:20

You’ve just reminded me of the couple of weeks I spent walking a child home after her mum had just had a baby. I’ve always expected my DD to carry her own bag right from nursery, but this child, who was 8 at the time, would throw her bag at my feet the second she came out of school. If I told her to pick it up she’d carry it for a minute or two then dump it back on the pavement saying it was too heavy. I tried calling her bluff by just walking off, but she didn’t care, would rather leave her bag behind than carry it. Her mum was recovering from a c section and I was doing her a favour, I really couldn’t leave the bag so I’d end up carrying it back, the whole thing really annoyed me. I don’t think I’d have been so irritated if the girl had asked politely if I would carry her bag, it was the whole throwing it at my feet and expecting me to be a pack mule which really pissed me off.

MrsPreston11 · 05/07/2018 13:22

I carry my younger DDs (in reception) book bag and water bottle for her as they aren't allowed backpacks until year 2. So I also do the same for her friends - not far to the car.

Daughter in Y2 wanted the Smiggle bag - cost a bloody fortune - so she carries the smiggle bag! Same for her friends.

MsMotherOfDragons · 05/07/2018 13:25

We've had this rule since DD was 2. Makes them prioritise which bits of 'treasure' get taken out for walks, doesn't it!

user789653241 · 05/07/2018 13:26

Oh no, this happened to me to. The child demanded I carry his bag.
I said no, my ds is carrying his own and he should too.
The child kept dropping his bag. I totally ignored. He was totally sulking.
Later I got a phone call from his mum saying he dropped his bag but I didn't help him. I said he was doing it on purpose, but she said he said it wasn't.
It wasn't even a playdate, I was doing a favour of looking after her dc. That was end of me doing a favour for her.

BillywigSting · 05/07/2018 13:29

My four year old (in school nursery for two years and in reception in September) carries his bag to school and most of the way home. I take it for last long stretch of road because he likes to run it and askes nicely.

I'm not a pack horse!

So no I don't think yabu op

Spudlet · 05/07/2018 13:29

My 2.5 year old carries his own tiny backpack to preschool. (So. Damn. Cute.) He also wears it around the house, apart from when hes unpacking and repacking it Grin

I mean, if they're humping a bag the weight of a breezeblock that's different, but surely a healthy child can manage a standard primary school school bag? Confused

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 05/07/2018 13:33

One adult having to carry all the children's bags is not teaching them kindness - just the opposite in fact, as you are telling them they don't need to take their fair share of the load.

I don't think people are implying OP should have struggled home with 5 bags while the kids carried nothing - probably responding to the people who say they never ever help their child with their bags (even when they might to run off with their friends or they have a huge cello and football kit to carry).

HairDyedPink · 05/07/2018 13:35

PitterPatterOfBigFeet
Don't be bitter, it's the usual hypocrisis of people too lazy to walk who make themselves feel better about the buggies! (and I do drive!)

I have used buggies until at least reception, at the very least when we go on holiday and a child could be dragged around the airport usually in the middle of the night but it makes everybody's life so much easier to plonk them in the buggy.

icelollycraving · 05/07/2018 13:42

Ds carries his stuff when he’s at wraparound care. On the days I take him, we leave the house with it in place on his back. Two mins of running with a friend and it’s handed to me. He’s 7.
I couldn’t be arsed to feel strongly about it tbh.

HairDyedPink · 05/07/2018 13:43

surely a healthy child can manage a standard primary school school bag?

by the same reasoning, any healthy adult could manage 5 primary school bags.

I actually don't think the bags are that light and that great for the little ones, between books, notebooks, after-school club kits and PE kit.

Bouledeneige · 05/07/2018 13:59

Ha ha! There must be more important things in life to worry about! I wouldn't wear it as a badge of honour about your parenting skills. They're just bags and no harm will come to their character if you sometimes carry them for them.

Worry about the big things.

flumposie · 05/07/2018 14:13

My 8 year old carries her own bag and has done so from reception. Mainly because I drop her off and then continue my walk to work. I always have my own bag , sometime 2. They are being ridiculous.

OiWhoTookTheGoodNames · 05/07/2018 14:30

Book bags I carry cos the velcro never stays stuck if they're swinging it about and it's a pain.

Rucksacks - carry your own matey.