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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to leave dp

46 replies

8mileeminem · 05/07/2018 09:48

Hi just a bit of background info, me and dp been together 10 years, not married, we have one child and have joint mortgage/ bank accounts etc.
I haven't been happy for years but always thought I'd stay for the sake of Dd, I nearly left 4 years ago but dp and his parents talked me around to staying and that he will change. I moved jobs in November and met a wonderful man and we hit it off straight away. We talked for months until he asked me to go for a drink in April. I went and really enjoyed his company. We have been seeing each other ever since. 2 months ago I told dp I wanted to leave, but again I feel like I'm trapped here and don't know what to do. I know I want to leave and work everything out with the other man, he has his own home and no children. But how do you actually go ahead and do it? Obviously there will be a lot of hurt people but I can't carry on living here anymore. Do we sell and then I find somewhere to rent , or other man has spoken about us living together eventually. I'm stuck with what to do for the best option for dd. Plus we have a dog which is classed as belonging to dd, rented places don't accept pets so what do we do with him?

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 05/07/2018 09:51

You sell, find somewhere to rent, and figure things out with your ex-dp regarding visiting & joint accounts before you do anything else

lifebegins50 · 05/07/2018 09:59

What has been your dp's reaction?

You are having an affair and need to be honest with yourself at a minimum.

Please don't assume grass is greener with OM as living together with dc will be a challenge..compared to secret affair dates.

Get the house sold and look for a place to live...establish yourself as a single mum, get your dc settled and then consider OM.

If you won't leave unless you have a man to go to then you are likely to be making a bad decision.Find out who you are, rather than rush into a new relationship.Your dc deserves stability and it is a big risk to consider living with a man who is a relative stranger.

Funkymonkey123 · 05/07/2018 10:04

This is awful - your husband deserves better than this

KirstenRaymonde · 05/07/2018 10:07

It’s not her husband.

Don’t leave just to go to other man. If you’re not happy and want to break up, fine, but get your own house and take it slow with other man. The relationship will likely be very different when it’s real life and not just an exciting affair.

Funkymonkey123 · 05/07/2018 10:09

My mistake - the crux of the point still stands

Original poster
8mileeminem · 05/07/2018 10:09

I forgot to add, my dp has anger issues, he almost loses his job daily through not being able to interact with people , he once punched a hole in the wall when I was getting ready to meet up with a friend, he doesn't and never has taken dd out or done anything at all with her ever. She's almost 9, she used to question why he doesn't take her to the park etc. He admitted in the recent talk of me leaving that he has nothing in common with her and doesn't know how to interact with her.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 05/07/2018 10:10

Kirsten as good as her husband though....together with joint mortgages and accounts and a child!

henpeckedinchief · 05/07/2018 10:13

First find somewhere to rent, and move there with your DD. Tell your husband you have met someone else and want to divorce. Engage a solicitor to handle that asap. Don't move in with new man until you know he's also the right one for a legit relationship and not just an affair. Dog will have to stay with your DP at least until you have a permanent home sorted. Family home will have to be sold and you can get your share and put it towards a new property.

henpeckedinchief · 05/07/2018 10:13

Sorry, realise you aren't married - simpler to leave then! No need for divorce but would get contact and maintenance formalised.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/07/2018 10:16

I wouldn't tell your partner about the 'other man'

You're not leaving cos of other man, you're leaving as you can't tolerate living with this angry man-toddler.

Find somewhere to live if you can afford rent for a few months...

First of all you need to get your ducks lined up and speak to a lawyer

Myheartbelongsto · 05/07/2018 10:17

If you were a man you'd be torn a new arsehole by now.

If your partner had posted about you he'd be told he deserves better and to get his ducks in a row bla bla.

Your behaviour is disgusting. You're having an affair and sneaking around behind your partners back. Horrible.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/07/2018 10:18

Make sure you get as much as you can from the house/mortgage and your contents... Your lawyer can advise how this could work.

You've given this relationship numerous chances.. You and your daughter need to be happy

Original poster
8mileeminem · 05/07/2018 10:19

Do I sell the house and then look for somewhere to rent as I will be required to pay for mortgage and rent and I can't afford both ?

OP posts:
Funkymonkey123 · 05/07/2018 10:30

If the genders were flipped you'd be ripped a new 'un

Example:

I want to leave my wife and shack up with the woman I've been shagging on the side... how do I go about selling the house from under her as I can't afford it

rayraythepans · 05/07/2018 10:31

Get the house on the market. Once it is under offer, and going through, you should get at least a few weeks notice period of what the closing date is. That way you can have a flat lined up to move into. You will need, generally, a months rent as a deosit and your first month’s rent the day you move in. Some flats allow pets so do some research into companies that offer this as an option. You might also need some money for the administration. Is there no one you could stay with short term during the transition?

It does sound like an unhealthy relationship for both of you so better off ending it. Maybe that way your partner could try to develop a better relationship with DD?

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 05/07/2018 10:36

What a mess Sad.

Agree with pps, that you need to treat the situation with the OM as totally separate to finishing with your partner. You can’t just exchange one live in partner for another one with no break. It really won’t be good for any of you. Though I’m sure it’s very tempting.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 05/07/2018 10:36

Do leave though; you’re absolutely right to do this.

AjasLipstick · 05/07/2018 10:40

Funky Exactly. That's what has happened to my friend. Her "Dh" has upped and left her with a twice mortgaged house and two teenagers.

He's shacked up with the new hottie in his life and her small kids in a house he wants to buy with her.

He's actually annoyed that all his mates have dumped him.

Original poster
8mileeminem · 05/07/2018 10:42

I have been offered a room with a family member for me an dd if needed while it's all being sorted out short term. At the moment my dp thinks we are ok and have sorted things out, he couldn't be further from that. I'm scared to mention about selling the house again as I know how his anger will be.

OP posts:
Original poster
8mileeminem · 05/07/2018 10:43

All my family say for me to leave him

OP posts:
RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 05/07/2018 10:44

I think you just have to go to family member’s house until you find your feet. That’s you, not you and new man. You need to focus on yourself and dd Flowers. Good luck. Keep us posted.

NewYearNewMe18 · 05/07/2018 10:52

Do you need to sell? With STBExDPs maint payments cover the mortgage or is he likely to manipulate you financially as well?

Don't pay heed to this lot in their ivory towers, you do what you've got to do to survive. Very few people, man or woman, leaves without a replacement lined up and to quote MN verbatim 'get your ducks in a row' which is code for 'see how much you can get'. Gender doesn't come into it.

But if you are unsafe - get out - next time he punches a hole in the wall - call the police and you then have the start of a DV case. Actually you cant rely on him at all if he had anger issues at work. He will eventually lose his job, frankly he's a liability and a millstone, you deserve better and it looks like you've found better, move on.

WaggyMama · 05/07/2018 10:52

Please put the interests of your DD first rather than your new man. She will be torn from her father and her home, so make sure it's not just because you've got a fancy man - you could go from the frying pan into the fire.

Lovestonap · 05/07/2018 11:00

Yes leave. Use your family's support to do this and take advice from professionals on how to minimise stress to your daughter at this time. Get advice on what support from Government/ex partner you should be entitled to and this will help you with an idea of what you can afford to rent. I can't see from your OP that you are considering moving in with OM and that's good - your priority needs to be your child, as I'm sure she is.
You are allowed to be happy, and the pp saying your partner deserves better than this? Well, you both do really, so good luck.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 05/07/2018 11:00

Oh ffs @newyearnewme. You don’t have to be in an ivory tower to not have an affair, or at least to hold off shacking up with the new man before your current partner even knows about it.

I completely sympathise with the op. I can see how this mess has happened. But you saying “oh whatevs, everyone has a new one lined up before they leave their relationship” isn’t especially helpful.

And anyway, focusing on the new man would be a mistake in the long run imo. It needs to be about the dd who is the only innocent party here it seems.

Op, I’m not criticising you here tbh, just that silly post from @newyear. Hope you are alright and manage to leave.

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