Sisters hen party

[coffeeeandtv]

Well Step sister.... so long story with quite a bit of back story, my SS is getting married in October, I'm quite a bit older and she is having a 'booze' party with her younger friends and has planned a hotel and spa for us more genteel types which include my step mum (who is 58) and a couple of our slightly older cousins, there's a trip to a pub in the evening, I love my SS she's a lovely lady but unfortunately we live 200 miles apart so mainly text/call/ FaceTime. We all agreed on the place, date and cost, I'm driving down on the Friday which means I'm unfortunately missing my nephews 18th birthday which I'm gutted about. So my AIBU is, I recently found out that my SS's best friend is bringing her 14 year old daughter who looks 11 but acts like she is 25, this 'child' dominates every event she attends as her mum refuses to discipline her and remind her not to be so disrespectful to others, her needs must be met at all times, I'm so upset and feel that this occasion will become the '14 year old show' and I'll miss being with my own 15,17 year old daughters and husbands fun loving family to be with a load of adults who will just appease the14 year old (there's no issue that my own daughters are not invited as they would choose to go to their cousins 18th as they are close and most of their friends are going)..... HELP I know I need to dig deep and find the courage to express how I feel just need to rant first.

Just go to nephew 's party.

Or just go to the hen and try and have fun and don’t let a child ruin your weekend?

Go the nephew's party. You are going to the wedding, I am assuming. Who has two hen dos anyway?

What day is the 18th, if Friday then:

“Hi SS I’m so sorry but unfortunately there has been a lot of family pressure to attend DN 18th birthday party. I keep being reminded he’ll only turn 18 once and he’s very disappointed that I’m not going to be there.
Obviously I don’t want to miss your hen do either so I’m going to drive down on the Saturday morning instead. I know I’ll miss some of the spa day but I’ll get there as soon as I can and can’t wait to toast you in the pub later on”

I’d be amazed if the 14 yr old is allowed in the spa, never been any children in any I’ve been too and the pub may refuse as well.

I know EXACTLY what you mean about the “14 year old show”. I know someone older like this. I would not be going! And I would explain to SS politely why. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Thank you so much for your responses, I only found out last night about the 14 year old and have been ruminating all night.... just putting my thoughts down on this post really helped, I'm a people pleaser just don't want to create a fuss. Perhaps I hadn't realised how upset I was at missing my gorgeous nephews 18th but will be equally sad at missing the hen do... typical no parties for years then 2 on the same day 😂😂😂 just wanted reassurance that I'm not being unreasonable that hen parties are for adults or at least those 18+ legally able to drink and we can talk freely with a 'bit of blue' which I'll be reluctant to talk about in front of a child.

I think you have to go. Sorry.

If you get on that well I think I’d be honest about your nephews party and also about the 11 yr old

I think Miami's message is rather good. I would send something like that,

I'm getting old and less tolerant of doing things I really don't want to do. I think you're heart is telling you you want to go to your nephews 18th. You sound much closer to him. It's only natural.

If you've already paid for the spa thing, I'd write it off. You're going to the wedding anyway.

I might be biased though - I didn't have a hen do at all. Well, I went to a gay club with my gay best friend. We had a great laugh and decided it was my 'hen do'.
At that time all my close friends were scattered around the country and many had young children. They were all coming to my wedding and I didn't feel I wanted to inconvenience them anymore!

Your SS will get over you not being there.

Nephew's 18th trumps a hen night. No need for guilt. You will feel much better once you have gotten out of the hen night.

If you're fretting about it already and it's not even til October, don't go. You have a perfect excuse in your DN's 18th. So, tell your SS you can't manage today. This will stop you feeling stressed about it, give her plenty of time to get over it. And... you'll be one of the 1st to drop out because of the 14 year old.

I've never been to a spa that admits children.

I think you should go to the hen. If you get a chance voice your concerns to SS re 14 year old. If you don't get a chance just go anyway and try your best to enjoy it.

Who the chuff takes a 14 year old on a hen do?!

I’d use the text above it’s perfect x

Why don’t you tell your ss the real reason? Why should your feelings as one of the closest blood relatives be dismissed?

“I am sorry darling sis. I love you so much. I thought your hen party was going to be a relaxing adults only event. I’m now really anxious about coming and sick with nerves. I really think I’m going to feel like a third wheel at your hen party. Would you be very upset if I didn’t come?”

If she asks why just say her friends dd is a sweet girl but she’s very vivacious and you want to relax, not party. Make it clear it’s you, not her.

Why would anyone bring a 14-year-old to a hen party?

@MimiSunshine's message was very good, I'd use that but leave out the bit about him turning 18 only once - she could (justifiably) reply with "I'm getting married only once".

I couldn't be arsed with having a 14-year-old precocious child around at an adult event. No matter what, it's a dampener on everyone's fun. Inappropriate in so many ways.

I couldn't be arsed with having a 14-year-old precocious child around at an adult event. No matter what, it's a dampener on everyone's fun. Inappropriate in so many ways.

Perfectly put! You could always put this in a nice message to her 🙈

You are all brilliant thank you 😘😘 feel so much better and I will definitely follow Miami's post but will have to add that I feel it's inappropriate for a 14 year old to attend the event, I shall message her and follow up with her response.

Just be honest!
Tell her you a) would like to attend nephews 18th on the Friday and
B) don’t want to attend a hen party with a demanding undisciplined child! Why do ( some ) people think it’s ok to bring a child to a hen do? The 14 year old might think she’s having like a 25 year old but she is still a child and thus will inhibit every woman there from behaving as an adult would on a hen do!

Dear Ssis,
I have found myself being invited to two important (to me) family events on the same weekend. Bloody typical! It’s xxnephewsxx 18 th birthday party on Friday xxth of October . As a family we are very close to nephew and see him a lot and so myself, husband , DD1 and DD2 are going to his party on the Friday night. I will leave on the Saturday morning for the Spa and will meet you all there. Darling Ssis, I have to ask this as it is making me more and more concerned and uncomfortable - is it wise to have (obnoxious 14 year old ) at your hen do? I genuinely do not think an adults hen do is an appropriate place fir a child - and she is still a child- and her presence there will inhibit everybody who is attending. I can’t be the only one who finds ( obnoxious 14 year olds behaviour) behaviour somewhat overwhelming and attention seeking. This party should be about you - but if she is in attendance it will be about her, you know thatas well as I do. Maybe you should ask x,y and z (other hen do attendees) how they feel about (obnoxious) a 14 year old child attending a hen do. I really really feel it’s innapropriate and I wont be able to relax. I really want to see you though before your wedding because I think the world of you . If you really want ( obnoxious child)there how would you feel about me coming down the weekend before/after to see you.? The hen do was never planned with ( obnoxious child) coming - if it had been then I would have suggested doing something else with you. I’m just too long in the tooth now to spend my precious time with a child who does not have any boundaries. I’m telling you this now so we have plenty of time to decide what to do. I’m so looking forward to your wedding, it’s going to be wonderful to see you marrying xxx !

OP, I can be a bit long winded ( !!) but I’m sure you get the gist of what I’m trying to say to your Ssis. Honesty really is the best policy. Maybe she just needs somebody to say to her ‘ does 14 yr old really have to be there?’ as she might not really want her there herself!
Also, isn’t her best friend a similar age and going to the booze do? If she is, does she HAVE to attend the second hen party?? If she does she has lots of time to arrange a babysitter. I just really believe that somebody needs to voice what everybody must be thinking.

But I would certainly ensure I go to nephews party. He loves you and wants you there, your immediate family are going- so do what you WANT to!!
Hope you get it sorted to your satisfaction! Good luck .

I wouldn't dream of going 200 miles for a Hen event, surely the 18th birthday party is much more important, I would just send your very sincere regrets (plus a case of wine/Prosecco as a gift to the hens, probably a lot cheaper than petrol & all other costs?) and stay home & enjoy the family celebrations.

You can't say anything about her badly behaved daughter - she's 14 - so the window where you could legitimately comment closed years ago.
MN is so random - on half the threads you read the advice is that it is rude to cancel plans for a better invitation.
Sounds like this has been planned for a long time - I think your DSS will be pissed off and rightly so. It's her hen do and she can ask her daughter if she likes.
I think if you send any of the texts suggested she will be very upset and this will come back to bite you. Is it really worth falling out with her over one evening?

It's then hen's friend who's taking her daughter, not the hen.

Christ, taking your child on a hen do is really odd! I guess your sister is too nice to tell her not to be so ridiculous

Op, even without your nephews party and the annoying kid, you live so far away that you are justified in missing the hen do

What's wrong with a 14 year old at a hen party? I had a 14 year old at mine, it was fine. Obviously it meant that the event was more toned down than it might have been (no strippers or adult only stuff) but then lots of people have their mums there and that would mean similar toning down I think.

I think you would be unreasonable to back out of the hen. You have already agreed to go. If the 14 yr old ruins it say something or leave. Simples