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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

NDN child walking home from school with us without asking us

37 replies

Bananaramaboat123 · 05/07/2018 07:51

NDN child who is 9, don't really have much to do with him, my ds is 4, so they don't know/mix with each other. About 100m from school oldest NDN child who is 11 was on the phone to parents telling mum that he was doing to a friends house, mum was at home, the 9 year old then tagged along saying x is going to x's house and I'm going with yous...

For context: Older child,11 is off to high school this sept and 9 year old has already said he'll have to talk with us or we have to take him to school...and last summer they were left to their own devices and be became childminders (everytime we would talk ds daily to the local parks, they would follow, in and out of our house ect, only wanting to play/come in house when they were bored/nothing else to do, then when something more interesting came along they dumped ds who was 3 at the time and leave him crying, eventually set boundaries and distaced ourselves as it was 6 hours a day they would be watched by us, no agreement with their parents/arrangements ect)

Last term their mother walked them to school with me and ds, then about 300m from the school she turned back leaving me with ds and the 2 NDN children...I stay with my DS until he lines up and goes in, the NDN's children are usually dropped off by another neightbour but this has stopped and they are left in playground for about 20 minutes before school starts.

In one way I feel they are not our responsibility, that no one has asked or even spoken to us, when DS is 9 I would never let him walk home with someone without discussing it with them or presume that they are OK with it. (for info NDN have very little English), we don't want a situation where it is just expected that will do this.And it's even more odd that their mother was home all day, she could have collected her child. My DH is torn and wants to be neighborly but we had issues with no boundaries and taking advantage.

How should we approach/handle this? I don't want to get people's backs up but neither do I want this to continue, and I am a little taken aback by the sheer cheekiness of it.

OP posts:

m0therofdragons · 05/07/2018 07:58

At 9 our school lets dc walk so I'm not sure what you can do, make him walk 10 paces behind?

TeenTimesTwo · 05/07/2018 08:01

If this becomes regular next term, then check with the office they are aware he is walking home alone. Say you are not taking responsibility. i.e. Try not to de facto accept or assume responsibility for him if you don't want to.

EdinaMonsoon · 05/07/2018 08:02

YANBU. Particularly WRT the unarranged childminding. Be direct & clear about your perspective - what you are/are not ok with but do it calmly & with kindness. The fact that you have seemingly just gone along with it may suggest to NDN that you were ok with it rather than their being a total CF 😉

WRT leaving DCs to walk last 300m alone I don’t think that is entirely unusual, giving children a little independence. The trouble is that you will naturally assume some form of responsibility as in this case they are effectively being left with you rather than left alone. Again, you need to talk about that. Perhaps start leaving at different times so you are not lumbered with it?

kaytee87 · 05/07/2018 08:02

Could you leave at a different time or drive for a while to break the habit ?

Blondebakingmumma · 05/07/2018 08:02

I wouldn’t want to cause a rift with the neighbours. If it was me I’d let the children walk with us to school and home. It’s not really a big deal if you are walking there anyway.
However, I’d turn the kids away when they try to tag along with you or visit uninvited. Suggest to organize a play date with their mum on a different day

my2bundles · 05/07/2018 08:02

As above, many schools Allow kidsto walk home alone from yr 5-6. I often have kids tagging along with my son and you carnt really stop that. I would be putting my foot down about them coming into your home uninvited tho.

Coughy · 05/07/2018 08:03

Talk to the parents. Its not the childrens fault.
Ask them if they have mobility problems or work or something? Its weirs because you are literally going the same place ie school. So not sure what the harm in him tagging along? Parks you could just not tell them where you are going. If they are regularly left alone i would report it.

RedSkyLastNight · 05/07/2018 08:03

A 9 and an 11 year old don't need an adult to walk them home from school. Their parent has not asked you to take responsibility for them. So if you don't want them to walk with you then tell them! (invent engagements in the opposite direction if necessary)

Ditto with the school holiday "care" - you are not their child carer - don't let them in your house unless you want them there. You can't stop them following you to the park but you are not obliged to engage with them.
There is really no big deal here - NDN DC has latched onto you for convenience. I can't imagine a 9 year old is really that excited about hanging round with a 4 year old.

bookmum08 · 05/07/2018 08:13

If the school allows children of that age to walk home alone then you don't have to take actual responsibily for this child. Infact if you were 'officially' collecting this child you and the child's parents would probably have to fill out a form saying you have permission to collect. If you don't sign it then the school can't dismiss the child directly to you. However if he is just walking near you then chat politely but tell the school the situation so they can talk to the parents (if you can't).

CherryPavlova · 05/07/2018 08:22

The child is walking home with you rather than alone. What is the problem? It feels like you are assuming responsibility when you have none - or at least no more than the average adult bystander.

Kidssendingmenuts · 05/07/2018 08:32

My friend had this problem with a lady at the school taking the piss lying and saying she was in hospital, ill and making up bad lies to get her to take her two girls in. It became too much for my friend and she spoke to the school and explained everything and her concerns. The school already had the kids on their radar as she had done this before with other parents and they spoke to her. So you either need to talk to the school or you need to bite the bullet and speak to Mum about it and say under no uncertain terms is this to carry on!

Strugglingtodomybest · 05/07/2018 08:33

As far as the walking to school bit of your op goes, I really can't see the problem. So what if the 9 year old tags along?

With regards to the rest, you just tell him to go home if you don't want him round your house.

NoSquirrels · 05/07/2018 08:36

By next year NDN DC will be 9 turning 10 so totally capable of walking back alone. If you’re going in the same direction then it’s not really childcare.

The park stuff is annoying!

Juells · 05/07/2018 08:38

I'd want to break the pattern, so it isn't viewed as a given - go in the opposite direction every day for a week, tell the two older children you have other things to do, you're not going home. Absolutely no way would I put up with children of that age dogging my footsteps every day. It's no trouble once or twice, but not when it's expected. The same goes for coming into your house - just No.

Angrybird345 · 05/07/2018 08:43

Don’t let them in your house!! A 9 year old shouldn’t be playing/entertaining your toddler!

malpa · 05/07/2018 09:06

"I'm sorry, your 9-year-old can't walk with us even though we leave at the same time, walk the same way and are going to the same place."

(It won't be long before he's too cool to walk with the neighbours...)

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/07/2018 09:07

I agree with the consensus. Last year the children would have been 10 and 8. Nothing wrong with giving the 10 yo or even an 8 yo a bit of responsibility of walking the last few hundred meters and the younger ds was ok with their older sibling. An 11 yo now walking all the way to school with a 9yo is fine. I assume next year the younger child will be yr5. Dds School has no issue with yr5 kids walking to and from school alone.

As for watching your child line up and go inside the building? Some parents do it in yr4. I didn’t.

I don’t agree with leaving a 10yo and 8 yo alone for 6 hours. However you chose to be there for the children. You also chose not to speak to social services.

Grandmaswagsbag · 05/07/2018 09:11

He’s just walking at the same time and same route as you. He’s not your responsibility, but even if you feel a little responsible for him getting home ok so what?

chicaguapa · 05/07/2018 09:33

This is about the NDN's assumed responsibility taken on by OP though. Is this a 9yo simply tagging along or is it NDN expecting the OP to look out for him and assume any responsibility (beyond that which you would do for any child walking home whose parent might be further along the road and not watching).

If the 9 yo didn't arrive home one day or something happened to him en route, would OP be seen to be responsible in any way? If the 9yo was seen getting into a car, would OP feel she'd need to intervene? If OP didn't walk home one day, would NDN be happy with the 9yo walking home alone? These are the questions I'd want answering.

NotTakenUsername · 05/07/2018 09:53

the 9 year old then tagged along saying x is going to x's house and I'm going with yous...

Sorry that’s not possible today - we are going a different direction.

NotTakenUsername · 05/07/2018 09:55

in and out of our house etc,

sorry no visitors today, it’s not convenient

Juells · 05/07/2018 10:03

Sorry, just re-read the OP and noticed this

the NDN's children are usually dropped off by another neightbour but this has stopped

That sounds like the other neighbour had been maneouvred into the same position that you now find yourself in, and put a stop to it.

PorkFlute · 05/07/2018 10:05

I think Yabu. If the parent used to walk them some of the way then it seems like they were preparing them to walk alone. If they haven’t spoken to you about walking the child then you aren’t responsible for him - just walking the same way.
If it’s bothering you that he keeps tagging along could you go a different way or have somewhere to go straight from school to make it clear to the child that you aren’t picking him up?

Myheartbelongsto · 05/07/2018 10:12

Why would you not let him walk with you?

I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Original poster

Bananaramaboat123 · 05/07/2018 10:14

What started to happen is they would leave at the same time as us when walking

OP posts:

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