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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be told truth about history with boyfriends friend

51 replies

Guiltydilemma · 05/07/2018 06:16

My partner who I’ve been with approximately 18 month has a very good female friend. A friend he calls one of his best friends. Since the friend lives about 500 miles away about a year ago I had casually questioned how they’d came by each other in the first place. I did think it was perhaps when he was working down south or something but was told he’d only ever met this good friend once when down her way for work and was told they met through my space, an old social media site. He added that nothing had every gone off or would go off and that they’re just good friends who now exchange social media banter, phone calls and FaceTime etc. To be honest at this point I have already thought it weird to have such a good friend you’ve only met on one occasion but let it go as I’ve thought nothing has gone on romantically, she’s always seemed supportive of our relationship on posts he added on Facebook. Then the other night I questioned him had anything gone on that one time they’d met about 6 years ago and he then said they’d slept together. My boyfriend says since it was so long ago and a one off it wasn’t worth mentioning, I on the other hand feel pissed offthat he lied to me previously and said nothing had gone off in the past irrespective whether anything is going off now. He claims any past relationships are none of my business and I’m rude to even question his sexual history. He says he lied previously as it was easier to tell me what he’d think I’d want to hear. He has another ex from about 20 years ago who he is good friends with, only sees rarely and I didn’t even bat an eyelid about that so am I being unreasonable to be upset at not having been told/ lied to about one night stand 6 years ago with this female best friend he’s only ever seen in real life once? Like I said I really don’t think there is anything’s going on romantically now but their chat looking through Facebook public posts can be quite “ you’re the best” “I love you more than chocolate cake” “you’re my bff forever” admittedly lasts couple of comments were before I was with him. Anonymous outside perspective would be good as boyfriend can’t get he’s been unreasonable at all, having lied and still adamant his sexual past is private and nothing to do with me! 🙄
I think him having lied brings trust issues that wouldn’t have been there if he’d been honest in the first place. 😡

OP posts:

Hideandgo · 05/07/2018 06:20

He’s a jerk for lying and to be honest, I’d be very unhappy with this. He’s building a relationship with his supposed one night stand. It’s very weird and I’d say there’s some feelings and definitely some attraction there. I wouldn’t be willing to put up with that relationship with his ‘best friend’ at all.

Original poster

Guiltydilemma · 05/07/2018 06:23

To clarify they had been social media friends prior to meeting and having one night stand just in case this makes a difference.

OP posts:

TheMagnificentEthel · 05/07/2018 06:30

He is someone who takes the easy way out and lies when it is convenient .

jay55 · 05/07/2018 06:33

It was a one night stand years before you got together.

FiestaThenSiesta · 05/07/2018 06:37

Wouldn’t even bat an eye lid at the relationship and he’s right in that his past sexual history is none of his business. Except she’s not in the past, is she? She’s still an active part of his life, which to me does mean if asked, he should be honest with you.

What would have me running away is him admitting he lied because it’s easier for him to tell you what you want to hear.

That passive aggressive shite isn’t a one off.

MeanTangerine · 05/07/2018 06:41

Do you think he is entitled to know all of your past sexual history?

Original poster

Guiltydilemma · 05/07/2018 06:44

FiestaThenSiesta my point exactly!

He is a really great guy and ordinarily a great boyfriend meaning I really do want to work this out but him not even being able to understand what he’s done wrong and understand why I’m upset in these circumstances is seriously pissing me off. I’m not a mug and lying makes my blood boil and changes my usually laid back, trusting personality to someone who is paranoid, untrusting and far from laid back! 😩

OP posts:

SD1978 · 05/07/2018 06:44

CosmicCanary · 05/07/2018 06:47

I am adamnt my sexual past has nothing to do with my DP.
He knows of the relationships I have had but not the casual encounters. Its not his business and I would feel uncomfortable if he decided it was.
I would not lie if he questioned me but I would tell him to mind his own business and would not give him an answer.

He hasnt seen her in 6 years it was a one off. Maybe he should not have lied to you but maybe you had no right to ask either?

I hate people who decide they must be privy to every historical sex act their partner has ever had. Its an invasion of privacy and unless there are genuine reasons for concern it feels controlling to me.

Original poster

Guiltydilemma · 05/07/2018 07:04

Can I just add that I didn’t ask when he said
“ nothing had gone off or ever would”
I’m far from expecting to want to know every ins and out of every sexual encounter he has had but that fact he lied about this does raise trust issues.

I would also feel better if perhaps they hadn’t had sex on the one and only time they’d met and this had been on one occasion out of dozens!

I also don’t want to know the ins and outs of every sexual encounter he’s had but to lie about this sexual encounter and then say it’s none of my business does somewhat wind me up more and make me feel he’s not getting my point lying is not on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Guiltydilemma · 05/07/2018 07:07

For what it’s worth I’ve no problem sharing my sexual history. I’ve had one night stands before and certainly wouldn’t lie or deny them.

OP posts:

CosmicCanary · 05/07/2018 07:14

For what it’s worth I’ve no problem sharing my sexual history. I’ve had one night stands before and certainly wouldn’t lie or deny them

Good for you. Do you think that means everyone should be like you?

I would also feel better if perhaps they hadn’t had sex on the one and only time they’d met and this had been on one occasion out of dozens!

Its not about your feelings!
He had sex with a person 6 years ago. Your feelings or why you would prefer do not come in to it. His sexual history is not about you.

He lied. It wasnt a huge lie and frankly part of me can understand why he did. If you now feel you cant trust him then end the relationship. Stop trying to change his history or dictate his friendships.

trojanpony · 05/07/2018 07:21

What would have me running away is him admitting he lied because it’s easier for him to tell you what you want to hear.

This.
He is telling who he is and you will be putting up with this in various forms for the duration of the relationship
“Yes, I did break but I thought you wouldn’t notice and didn’t want you get angry with me”
“So...you are right I did forget to do but I knew you’d have a go” etc etc

I wouldn’t be happy with this at all.

I also think the relationship is a bit weird

Question: was he single for a while before you and is she still single?
as while it’s labelled “friendship” it sounds a bit like they are using each other as an emotional comfort blanket.

chillpizza · 05/07/2018 07:23

The issue here isn’t that he slept with her all those years ago it’s that he lied about it not to hurt/upset you.

That’s got to be the most used line by those who lie all the time. Didn’t tell you because it would upset you, is a cop out. Does seem strange to be “bffs” with someone you’ve only met once.

Firstnameterms · 05/07/2018 07:24

He classes someone he met once and lives 500 miles away as his best friend? Am I the only one who feels that is pretty odd? Perhaps I am just old fashioned but I don’t think you can be social media best friends. Surely he just means someone who comments on all his posts? If they are such good friends then why not make an effort to meet up once a year? So, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. However yes, the lying is unnecessary.

Usernamesareboring · 05/07/2018 07:24

Personally I think you are being unreasonable. So what if they slept together before you met, as long as they are not sleeping together now? And while yes I'd be annoyed that he didn't say anything, it is so inconsequential that it's not worth making such a fuss over

Fattymcfaterson · 05/07/2018 07:27

I think the fact that you felt you had to question him about this is a bit off tbh.
What gives you the right to interrogate him about his dark and distant sex life?!

greendale17 · 05/07/2018 07:29

YABU

^I agree

Original poster

Guiltydilemma · 05/07/2018 07:35

Fao Cosmic canary :

Me : For what it’s worth I’ve no problem sharing my sexual history. I’ve had one night stands before and certainly wouldn’t lie or deny them**

Cosmic : Good for you. Do you think that means everyone should be like you?
*
Me : As I’ve already said don’t want to know about all his ins and outs just not be lied to about those I’ve not even asked about. I don’t lie so yes being like me would be good!

Me : I would also feel better if perhaps they hadn’t had sex on the one and only time they’d met and this had been on one occasion out of dozens!

Cosmic : Its not about your feelings!
He had sex with a person 6 years ago. Your feelings or why you would prefer do not come in to it. His sexual history is not about you. **

Me : I’m human. Just being honest. The fact he’s lied to me has made more more paranoid than I’d normally be and for that reason I’d feel better if they’d not had sex 100% of the times they’d met which is once!

Cosmic : He lied. It wasnt a huge lie and frankly part of me can understand why he did. If you now feel you cant trust him then end the relationship. Stop trying to change his history or dictate his friendships

Me : I’m not tying to change his history, that’s sort of impossible! Just not have it denied! Like I said I’ve been fine with a previous friend that’s been an ex, it’s about the lying that’s the problem as lies brings trust issues and paranoia. Also not trying to change his friendships. When did I mention he was to stop being friends with this woman??? I’ve not dictated or tried to change his friendships with this friend or anyone else.

OP posts:

CosmicCanary · 05/07/2018 07:42

Thats the next step though isnt it?

You admit you are now paranoid so his continuing friendship with her will only increase your paranoia. Every text or phone call he makes will make you more paranoid. So how will you cope with that? What will you expect him to do?

I’m not tying to change his history, that’s sort of impossible! Just not have it denied

Well he did deny it thats done now so get over it or end it.
You asked a personal question and he did not feel you should have so gave the answer he thought you wanted. Given you were paronoid any way
The fact he’s lied to me has made more more paranoid than I’d normally be he stupidly thought this was the better way.

Original poster

Guiltydilemma · 05/07/2018 07:46

Canary
I’m hoping I can get over it and should be able to should no more lying incidences happen.
I said a frigging million times I’d not even asked about it there sexual history previously. He had said unprompted nothing sexual had ever gone off with this woman.

OP posts:

CosmicCanary · 05/07/2018 07:52

Then whats this thread about?

Validation that he was totally wrong and your paranoia is justified?

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 05/07/2018 07:53

I agree it's the lying that's the biggest red flag. My dh is similar, will tell me what I want to hear instead if the truth, and feels totally justified in it. It didn't seem like a big deal when we were dating as it wasn't important stuff, and luckily he's a nice guy so it's never about anything terrible, but it is very hard to have a true partnership with someone who doesn't value honesty over having an easy life/ avoiding difficult conversations.

Original poster

Guiltydilemma · 05/07/2018 07:53

Canary
I am pretty level headed and despite being paranoid everything he tells me now might not always be the truth. So far as this woman’s concerned as previously mentioned I don’t believe anything is going off. Happy for them to continue their friendship.
I’m hoping eventually he’ll realise honesty is the best policy and appreciate I’m actually a reasonable understanding person when not lied too!

OP posts:

Nikephorus · 05/07/2018 08:08

It was and is a bit crap he lied, but I think you’re blowing this utterly out of proportion. He slept with her 6 years ago. Neither have thought to/wanted to repeat the experience. He did t want you being upset by the friendship, so left out the one occasion they had sex. I wouldn’t class that as a past relationship. I have two males friends who I had a fling with at uni- years ago and we have all moved on. When I introduced them to my husband it was as friends, as that’s what we are. The sexual history was inconsequential- as this is.
This ^^. It was a one-off shag 6 years ago. Obviously not worth repeating or they would have met up again. He didn't tell you because he could obviously tell that you'd have an issue with it & as it was a one-off and not going to happen again it was irrelevant. Yes he shouldn't have lied but what a tiny lie. Ignore all the red flag bollocks being spouted - people tell small white lies all the time to avoid hurting others. If you ask him 'does this make me look fat' do you want him to being 100% honest and say 'yes' or lie slightly to spare YOUR feelings and opt for 'I prefer the other outfit'? I'm guessing you'd prefer the small white lie. Part of a good relationship is giving a toss about the other person's feelings - knowing when to be totally honest & when to steer around it: ('Your hair looks nice' - I'm not keen but you've spent a fortune on it and obviously like it yourself, 'No I don't think she looks attractive' - yes I do but I know you aren't happy with how you look right now and as I'm completely committed to us and wouldn't be interested if she threw herself at me and begged, I'll say she's not that great instead, 'Size isn't everything' - well actually I'd prefer bigger but you're great in all other respects and your technique is pretty good....!)

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