To be told truth about history with boyfriends friend

[Guiltydilemma]

My partner who I’ve been with approximately 18 month has a very good female friend. A friend he calls one of his best friends. Since the friend lives about 500 miles away about a year ago I had casually questioned how they’d came by each other in the first place. I did think it was perhaps when he was working down south or something but was told he’d only ever met this good friend once when down her way for work and was told they met through my space, an old social media site. He added that nothing had every gone off or would go off and that they’re just good friends who now exchange social media banter, phone calls and FaceTime etc. To be honest at this point I have already thought it weird to have such a good friend you’ve only met on one occasion but let it go as I’ve thought nothing has gone on romantically, she’s always seemed supportive of our relationship on posts he added on Facebook. Then the other night I questioned him had anything gone on that one time they’d met about 6 years ago and he then said they’d slept together. My boyfriend says since it was so long ago and a one off it wasn’t worth mentioning, I on the other hand feel pissed offthat he lied to me previously and said nothing had gone off in the past irrespective whether anything is going off now. He claims any past relationships are none of my business and I’m rude to even question his sexual history. He says he lied previously as it was easier to tell me what he’d think I’d want to hear. He has another ex from about 20 years ago who he is good friends with, only sees rarely and I didn’t even bat an eyelid about that so am I being unreasonable to be upset at not having been told/ lied to about one night stand 6 years ago with this female best friend he’s only ever seen in real life once? Like I said I really don’t think there is anything’s going on romantically now but their chat looking through Facebook public posts can be quite “ you’re the best” “I love you more than chocolate cake” “you’re my bff forever” admittedly lasts couple of comments were before I was with him. Anonymous outside perspective would be good as boyfriend can’t get he’s been unreasonable at all, having lied and still adamant his sexual past is private and nothing to do with me! 🙄
I think him having lied brings trust issues that wouldn’t have been there if he’d been honest in the first place. 😡

You asked a personal question and he did not feel you should have so gave the answer he thought you wanted. Given you were paronoid any way

I think the point is that the OP didn't ask initially- he volunteered information that was misleading when there was no need to say anything of he didn't feel the OP had any right to know about their past. When she did actually ask him, he told the truth.

I made my decision here:

He says he lied previously as it was easier to tell me what he’d think I’d want to hear.

He'll do that again, about other things. Get rid.

I said a frigging million times I’d not even asked about it there sexual history previously. He had said unprompted nothing sexual had ever gone off with this woman.

To be honest at this point I have already thought it weird to have such a good friend you’ve only met on one occasion but let it go as I’ve thought nothing has gone on romantically, she’s always seemed supportive of our relationship on posts he added on Facebook. Then the other night I questioned him had anything gone on that one time they’d met about 6 years ago and he then said they’d slept together.

So he said nothing went on but instead of leaving it there you questioned him about it and he was then honest. He did not need to be. He does not have to tell you about his past sexual history and its his to keep private if he wants. He tried to keep it private but you questioned him.
Why did you need to question him further?

Reassurance cosmic. After a few wines one evening and him having posted you’re the best to a thread on Facebook I was also on. I casually asked “ Are you sure nothing went on that time you met up?” Rightly or wrongly I asked the question. Perhaps it’s because I was suspicious something had gone on and he lied to me. I hoped for reassurance he’d not lied to me but got disappointment he had. I do feel disappointed they’d had sex in the past but I think that is down to paranoia it’s more than it was because he felt the need to lie about it. As I’ve stressed despite some extremely friendly Facebook comments I don’t think anything is happening now. I don’t intend to stop their friendship but do want him to sort of acknowledge I am being pretty understanding in this relationship and have reassurance he won’t lie again.

I don’t think YABU. The fact that they had a one off encounter wouldn’t bother me, but lying about it would.

I get that some people would consider their sexual history private but, if that’s the case, he should just say that rather than lie. I personally would share my sexual history with a partner and would expect honesty about that from them - I respect that some people don’t feel that’s appropriate and that’s fine, I might choose not have a relationship with someone that held those views as they’re incompatible with mine (just as they may not want to continue a relationship with me). No need to deceive.

Whether something went on 6 years ago makes zero difference to your relationship so why ask about it and why care?
You say you trust that its only a friendship but the truth is you dont otherwise you would have been satisfied with his intial statement and not questioned him further.

I think your paranioa is more damaging to the relationship than his intial lie about his private sexual history.

I don’t intend to stop their friendship but do want him to sort of acknowledge I am being pretty understanding in this relationship and have reassurance he won’t lie again.
You're being understanding?!!! He has a friend that he has online contact with only given the distances between them. He is therefore physically unable to cheat, always assuming he wanted to do so which is unlikely given he's had enough opportunity before meeting you. They had one shag, one! It could have been a really awkward and unsatisfying one for all you know (no, don't ask). You're being far from understanding & there isn't even anything to be understanding about. They're friends, end of!

On the basis that other comments have said they wouldn’t condone the relationship then yes I am being understanding that I’m not one of them. Why do you sometimes get some people put on negative on a positive🙄

You say you want reassurance he wont lie again. What does that look like?
If he says he wont lie in future will you believe him?

On the basis that other comments have said they wouldn’t condone the relationship
There are a core of posters on Mumsnet who immediately rush to say you should LTB, that he'll always lie / cheat / be controlling / expect you to do all the housework etc. just because they don't have fulfilling lives. Don't lead your life based on their bitchiness.
I don't care if you trust him, marry him, leave him, whatever. It makes no odds to me whatsoever. But I think you're risking a perfectly decent relationship just because you're a bit insecure & would prefer him to have zero contact with anyone he's ever dated / kissed / shagged / got on well with. He told one tiny lie so you wouldn't get bothered. Have you never told a single tiny lie to him ever? Are you ever going to find someone to date who is completely & utterly honest?

Having only read the opening post, hes missing the point. To me it seems you're not pissed about the one night stand but about the fact he lied to you about it. It's the lie that's the issue and it's that point that he's missing.

The fact he had a one night stand with a friend wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, but this:
He says he lied previously as it was easier to tell me what he’d think I’d want to hear
would make me consider LTB.

I would expect my partner to be honest about their sexual history with a friend in their life. If I’m in a relationship with that person then therefore it is my business. Because then I can decide if I am comfortable to be in a relationship with someone who is so close with a previous “shag”. That’s not a decision I should be deprived of.

It’s relevant because they are still friends. Whether the OP accepts this as being ok or not for her relationship with him is her decision - not his.

Why did he lie? Dishonesty is a big issue. I would be skeptical to believe anything if his responses are based on avoiding drama more than being factual..,

Yanbu

I think he lied basically because in his words in previous relationships discussing ex’s always started an arguement. Reading between lines (as he won’t discuss it I’m thinking ex onbviosuly had issue with him being her friend so he thought he’d remove the one night stand but with me and it’s still gone pear shaped for him cos I’m still pissed off cos he’s lied! 🙄
I’m different from his ex’s and would prefer openness and honesty and that way it makes me feel I trust someone more no matter what history they have. He has missed my point and ruffled my feathers with his not any of my business remarks.

He is the most amazing boyfriend who despite this lie is my Mr Perfect. I’m not going to throw in the towel over this (although CosmicCanary seems to think this is something I’ll not get over🙄)

I do appreciate your comment Nikephorus. It does put a good perspective on things. I think I need to just try to get it in to my boyfriends thick head that whilst it does make me an incy wincy bit insecure I do trust him. I don’t mind them being friends as I believe nothing is going on and just stress to him don’t frigging lie as it will make things worse rather than better!!😩 I have said what would the circumstances be if he met her again and he said he’d expect that I’d be with him.

This type of relationship sounds very familiar.

I don't think it would be a big reach to suggest that they may have only slept together once in person, but definitely will have had a very sexual relationship via MSN messenger, text, phone , webcam etc.

Whilst there's nothing wrong with that, it can sound a little bit seedy when discussing it with a new partner, especially if you haven't done the same with them.

I'm sure this relationship they have had is quite intense, as they can build it up to be whatever they want as a part fantasy, without all the mundane stuff of going shopping, visiting families etc.

It is what it is, accept it and try and compare it stuff you have done with other people in the past, and how that is your past now.

I’m sure you’re right Bobbydinero69.

So long as there chat isn’t like that now they have their respective partners I guess I can live with it. You’re also right from the prospective they have only in sense experienced the niceness of eachother. They’ve never spent enough time together to see each others flaws. Part of me wish he had had a proper relationship with her as then comparably I’d maybe favour better. He knows my good bits and my bad bits! 🙄

That’s us cleared the air. He said he thought I’d end up asking loads of questions and making it a bigger deal than it was and since it was something and nothing it wasn’t worth mentioning. I’ve educated him that it seems a bigger deal when I’m not told things.
Top and bottom of it is that I do trust him, I trust her too with respect positives comments she puts on joint Facebook posts, I appreciate it was in the past and believe it is platonic. So far as I’m concerned we’ve drawn a line under it.
He is my perfect (apart from this incident!) so not going to dwell on it or let it ruin what we have.
Thanks for everyones perspective.

He lied and then tried to blame you for it. Why would you trust somebody who has lied to you already for no good reason? Good luck OP but I do think that telling you what he thinks you want to hear is a big red flag.

He’ll either learn from his mistake or not. If he doesn’t the truth usually comes out in the wash anyway.

It has literally been the only red flag in 18 months so not going to dump him over this. He knows I’m not the nonsense taking type so knows he isn’t a cat with 9 lives. This aside he treats me amazing and I love him lots.

You sound level headed and sensible OP. Good luck

Thanks aaatozed. I’m not one for putting up with shit and bf knows that. You can’t expect a relationship to have no ups and downs and if it’s been 99% great you can’t not forgive little blips when they happen. It’s a learning curve and hopefully my bf will learn from it. I love him, he loves me. Fingers crossed he realises honesty is best policy in the future otherwise he’ll be dumped even if I do adore him x

So moving on today boyfriend has came back to me saying that he thinks their is nothing wrong with lying about the sexual encounter he had as it was so long ago. He pretty much admitted his ex’s had issue with situation and justifies the lie because if you cross the road and have been hit by a car three times you wouldn’t cross road again. Conversation ended by me hanging up on him ranting “ Sorry your so perfect”.
He obviously doesn’t get my point at all and I don’t know how this relationship is going to work with him thinking it’s ok to lie. Emotions have gone from being upset and angry to why should I give a fuck! 🙄

I think YANBU. The fact the lie was about sex with someone else is a red herring - take the friendship with this girl out of it and the fact is he lied to you to have an easy life. That is not a trait I’d want in someone I was dating. How can you trust he’s not lying about other stuff?

His reaction now is probably the worst part of it. I would be forgiving if he turned around and said “I lied as I didn’t want to upset or worry you but I now see it would have been better to be honest and I promise I will be in future”. But instead he’s minimising your feelings and justifying his behaviour. Not great IMO.

If I’d been caught lying I’d be bending over backwards to right my wrong. He on the other hand has made little effort to try and make amends and todays outburst has been the icing on the cake. Don’t really know where we can go from here unfortunately! 🙁

Just don't bother, op. Seriously! If you stay with him after he's shown his true character then more fool you, I'm afraid.