To have no faith in people anymore.

[qvcstyle]

Hello.

Long time lurker and new member.

Just that really. I have realised that I have absolutely no faith in people anymore. My expectations are zero.

I am 37, currently single, no kids, live on my own in a small flat that I bought a few years ago. I have a relatively ok job, I like the work, it pays well and is secure.

A new team member started five weeks ago. She was supposed to be my "partner", work directly along side me, share my work load, swap ideas, that sort of thing. I have been working on my own for years now, doing two peoples work. My boss is aware and really fought senior management to get this extra help authorised.

Well today I get in to work and my boss announced that the new girl is now off on sick leave, stress related and it will be for at least the next month. So I am now back to square one. Just me again, on my own, as usual. I realised after he had told me, that I just don't care anymore. I'm not depressed or anything, just had a reality check.

I have NEVER known anybody who has stayed with me. I was bullied relentlessly in school. No issues about this, I was an "ugly duckling" so to speak, and if it wasn't me, it would have been some other kid. I like to think I have improved over the years! Consequently, I have friends from my school days. My parents divorced when I was twelve, haven't seen my father since and speak to my mother a few times a year on the phone (we live extreme opposite ends of the country now). Our relationship just fell apart while I was in high school and when I moved to London at 21 she asked me to not call her anymore (not sure why, guess she just wasn't maternal).

Every romantic relationship I have ever had has ended. I can't look back over the years and identify anybody who "stayed" who was there for me. I have a few acquaintences who I say hellow to and the occasional one night stand, OLD!.

Does anybody else feel like this? I am honestly not depressed or suffering any kind of unresolved trauma from childhood. I just look around at the people in the world and think

"No point getting too involved, everybody leaves eventually"

Sorry, that was a bit long!

Your story is heartbreaking. You are in a pattern and now expect this pattern to be repeated, so it is. I can only suggest that you find a good therapist and work through this. Try to break the pattern . There are good people out there. You sound very lonely and my heart goes out to you. Have you ever thought about asking your mother why she asked you not to contact her? Have you any siblings?

Should be "NO friends from my school days"

Sorry.

I don't think it's normal for a mother to ask for her dc not to contact her. It sounds as though your parents have issues, and it's shit for you

I've got a few friends from high school bit I'm not the same person from back then so I'm ok to lose them tbh.

Cherry.

I am not sure I need any sort of therapy. And honestly, the idea of having to actually pay a stranger to listen to me just reinforces my thoughts! I don't even know someone who would listen, I have to resort to paying somebody! Thats how flippin sad I am!

I called my mother once a week when I first moved here. About six weeks in she just said

"you dont really need to keep phoning me now, you're not a child or anything"

So I just stopped calling her. I have one sister, but she is 12 years older than me and moved to Australia when I was 10. I haven't seen her since as she only came home once and I was in Uni then so couldnt get up to see her. We are Fakebook "friends" but don't call or text or anything.

Could you try and get to know your sister more? Don't let the distance stop you. Your mum sounds awful

Yep, I can empathise. Bullied, no friends from school days, nobody I feel I can really rely on (except my parents, I’m lucky to have a good relationship with them) never had a guy make me feel special or really wanted, I chased unsuitable and untrustworthy men so they all ended in tears. I expect the worst case scenario all the time. I honestly feel like the minute I became cognisant of what other people were really like (so some time in primary school) I lost whatever faith I might have had in fellow humans. Expect nothing, never be disappointed I guess

I suppose I could try to get ro knoq my sister. Just seems weird after all this time.

My mother is strange. She was a hippy back in the day, but ended up married and pregnant and living in a grotty flat in Sheffield. Not exactly peace and love.

Yes, I’ve seen life like that at times. I had an unhappy childhood, uncaring parents and then made poor choices when it came to men.
You sound like you have been put through difficulties too. Also when you are let down in several spheres of your life at the same time, it came seem overwhelming and easy to see how you would despair.
You have your flat though and money coming in, it’s decent base, better than some have. I’d say start reaching out more, there’s always clubs, courses, charity work.
You sound lovely, too lovely to be sad at home staring inward at yourself. x

I feel similar to you. I don't have any friends from school and only a couple outside of work. I have been vaguely chatting to a man online but I realised that I don't want anything to start up as it means that it will end.

Tonight was a lovely evening outside but I had no one to share it or go out with anywhere.

Obviously not helping you with my post but I hope it makes you see that it's not just you.

I am going to go out on a limb and suggest you may have totally disconnected from your feelings in response to repeated rejections.

What you have described are quite traumatic experiences, and I am guessing that you have cut yourself off from them as a defense.

I would recommend a book called waking the tiger, by somebody Levine,(stupid brain can't think of his first name) about working through frozen trauma.

You sound as though you have met shit people, one after another.

I hope you come across a good 'un soon

Lovebeing.

I know, you're right, like you say, I have a good base. Just venting really. Even on here I was hesitant about posting. Not really sure what I'm asking.

I am honestly not depressed or suffering any kind of unresolved trauma from childhood. I just look around at the people in the world and think "No point getting too involved, everybody leaves eventually"

Um yes...it does actually sound a lot like unresolved trauma from childhood. Your outlook is framed by it and your self esteem is mired in it. Your view of people is a survival strategy. It may work to keep people at an emotional distance, but if you want more connection from life you’ll have to have it seen to.

The other useful effect of therapy is that you hear yourself say a lot of stuff, out loud. It’s really different to when you say it in your head, or type it for internet strangers. You hear yourself, and it either rings a bell like ‘hmm I think that’s so true and key for me’ or it rings another bell like ‘hmm I don’t think that’s true anymore, I should reject that theory’.

Really sad things happened to you as a teen and young adult. You dealt with them as best you could, but not with a complete set of adult coping tools. Going back and processing these hurts properly can really put you on a better life track.

For instance, your dad leaving you probably did feel huge- like your whole world fell out from under you. Rejection from school kids likewise feels catastrophic. When You’re A Kid. Now, as a fully-fledged grown up, you don’t actually need people to be your ‘whole world’. You’d just like some mates, a partner maybe? Some other independent grown-ups to meet you on your level. So ‘everyone leaves me and it’s devastating’ is a policy that isn’t really relevant to you now, why use it? It made perfect sense when you were 12 though.

Therapy helps you reinforce some positive things about yourself, and reject the things you tell yourself that aren’t relevant or useful. Surely that’s worth a few ££ a week? You can change the years ahead, and reframe the years behind you.

Good luck, you sound like a strong interesting person.

I think there is a certain script/story running through your life - ‘nobody stays with me’.

Perhaps it developed because your sister left family when you was young/you was bullied/your parent divorced/dad ‘left’ never to be spoken to again/mum later announced you don’t need to call her anymore.
Because of the things in the past you developed certain automatic thoughts about yourself that reaffirm/confirm the story. You should perhaps explore those automatic thoughts (i did as advised by my therapist and realised just how much i put myself down...not a healthy thing to do). Your coworker going off on sick leave might and probably does have nothing to do with you- she might have planned it all along, she might be just a lazy fecker who doesnt like working or n other reasons.
I somehow get the impression that your mum might be the needy type, is she? Could it be that what she said was her dysfunctional attempt at getting confirmation of how much you need her (e.g. pushing you away whilst all she really wanted is to feel that you do still need her)?

Has your dad ever attempted to get in contact, could it be that he didn’t because of something your mum did/said around divorce time to keep him away from you as a punishment?
It does sound like your parents relationship and homelife was hellish- your sister might have moved to Australia at the age of 22 to escape that. It is however no reflection on you and i would try to get to know her a little better perhaps. Or your dad, maybe he is quite a nice person?

You say you are not depressed but your post is full of resignation... i think you can work on breaking out of the script as it is not doing you any favours, you are NOT the reason why people leave. You need a different set of thoughts to replace the current negative ones.

I always think, you come into the world alone, and you'll leave it alone. Other people in life are always coming and going; some last longer than others and family is no guarantee of anything. Life is a constant state of change. The only person you can truly rely upon to be there, is yourself. I take that as a positive (enjoy people for who they are, while they are; take folk for themselves and be part of their journey, rather than what you can take from them), but I can also see how it can feel like no one is truly there for you when you feel you need someone significant. In harsh reality, they are not; they are just living their own lives in their own way.

The lady at work hasn't left you, she's left the job, temporarily. It's not anything personal to you, by the sound of it. It's just her particular path at the moment. What she needs to do. Same with your mum. Maybe she didn't expect or want her life to turn out as it did and it makes her want to not be reminded of that fact. Having said that, she sounds like she's been extremely harsh and ruthless with you, and as a child, no one wants that from their mum.

You sound lovely, just understandably sad and tired of expecting more than people are prepared to give. It's maybe more unfortunate that those in your life so far have not been givers and as a result, disappointment has closed you off to people who may potentially be there for you. Look for people with kind eyes and a smile and invite them in to your life a little. Don't ask or expect, give a little, enjoy their company, and I'm sure you'll find some will give back. Friendships can form in unlikely situations, but your own best friend will always be you.

Notdown.

Never looked at it that way

Christ! Maybe you're onto something. I think I have lost perspective on what is traumatic and what isn't. I know I can come across to people as not having any compassion or empathy. It's just that what's traumatic for them is just another day for me.

Picture this. Being 15 and being the "ugly" kid in yyour year. I was about 5'10", acne like a burnt pizza, could have hidden behind a lamp post, and boobs were what other girls had, I was just a straight up and down bean pole.

Anyway, I'm 15, get beaten up really badly on my way to school. Chipped tooth, ripped uniform, hair out in clumps and bleeding scalp. Get to school, clean up, tie hair up and get new jumper and skirt from the PE store. Somebody elses left overs but hey ho.

Then get to lunch and find same girls waiting for me in the toilets. Beaten up again, shirt ripped off and bra pulled off for everybodys amusement, barrage of jokes and insults about my non existent boobs (bra half flushed down the toilet). Clean myself up again! Double maths, and home to do it all over again next day!

That was my high school days. Shit like that every single day!

So when I hear people on about how their feelings were hurt by their manager or how they cant believe their friend said such and such, I just cant work up the energy to sympathise.

You just want to be happy with your life and feel fulfilled as a person. The flat and having a job may not give you that ... but it gives you stability so you can go and pursue the other stuff.
When I was in your position I summoned a bit of enthusiasm from somewhere and just went for it; wine tasting, adventure holidays, I worked got a homeless charity. I just wanted to feel like I was living my life instead of wallowing. It really worked for me.
Sure, if you feel unhappiness in the past is affecting you now or holding you back (bad choices in men, self esteem issues etc) get support. I did cbt for a year and it really helped me to ‘process’ childhood unhappiness and help me move forward...far more do than friends listening or trying to help myself.
However, I like to see my early years as just one chapter in my life book. Please don’t be jaded, if you don’t like where you are, you are in a good position to try new stuff.
For this evening though, have a good mope about it with a glass of wine. I think everyone has moments where life gets on top of them. Good luck x

I just came to say I'm sorry you've had cause to be disappointed in everyone you've encountered. I get the impression that you expected nothing better from your mum, but for her to reject you like that isn't normal.

But even reading your terrible school experiences above, I was struck by how you picked yourself up and got on with your day, even after being beaten and humiliated. Most people would have ran home and stayed there. But you didn't. You got an education and went on to become financially stable, in a job you enjoy.

I second previous posters who suggest therapy. You've gone through a whole lot of shit, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's affected your self esteem and your expectations of what life can offer you. You are worthy of friendship and love, and I hope you manage to build a life you enjoy.

QVC - you're a survivor and others are delicate flowers who need a day in bed if the wind changes. Nothing wrong with finding that a bit pathetic in the scheme of what you've experienced. Folk like that probably won't enhance your life too much anyway. I agree with the last poster who suggested something challenging in the company of people you can respect and learn something from. The sorts that battle through adversity without milking it might be more your type, and people you'd feel more fulfilled by..?

Hi OP, your the bullying you experienced growing up sounds really traumatic, and it seems as though you have disconnected from society by losing faith in people as a result. However what happened then doesn't have to impact what happens now. Don't let those nasty bullies define your life now.

It sounds as though therapy might really help, and you could get it free on the NHS. Invest in yourself to reconnect1, don't allow them to win.

I can relate. My mantra now is expectation zero. That way you can’t get annoyed when your let down disrespected etc.
Your mum was wrong to do that. Maybe she was sad you were leaving and got the hump about it but it’s bizarre and you certainly deserve better.
Relationships come and go. It’s a lesson learned not to get too attached to people. Is there a point?
Everyone leaves me also I gave up on making effort with people I’m pretty much in my own bubble and I laugh when people try to use me I tell them to fuck off

Redstar

!

That's exactly how I feel about people sometimes.

I am really sorry you went through all that, the school bullying alone been physically attacked wtf. It is disgusting OP.

From your post it definitely sounds like you protect yourself. To me you have your own home, a job you like although stressful and good pay, that is all great.

With your workload tell your manager to sort help for now, if your new colleague is off sick with stress already, you must be under lots of pressure.

Join a club or something I know it feels odd to begin with. I joined a cycling club I had not cycled properly in years. I sound cringey but love yourself and try deal with past rejection even with a councillor once you do, You will not set yourself up to be/feel rejected anymore.

Goodluck OP

You sound amazingly strong to have endured all that trauma alone for so long. Christ, that day you describe would be tough enough as a single incident, let alone as a repeated pattern of bullying and when every single adult around you failed to notice or take action. That would mess with anyone's frame of mind, and it's unsurprising that you developed certain thought patterns as a coping mechanism. You absolutely did what you needed to do to survive and I hope you're damn proud of yourself for all that you've achieved now and your strength of character.

However, as others have wisely noted, that same world view and self-image don't sound helpful in the context of where your life is now, and you might benefit from doing some work to re-evaluate things. All the best on that journey.

Qvc, your school experiences were horrific. You haven't been shown much kindness, have you?

You truly have great strength.

That doesn't mean you havent been significantly hurt, and you deserve to find a way to heal from that.

Personally I think that you might find counselling helpful, IF you can find one that you connect with. Sometimes you have to visit a few before you get to the right person.

But please do try something. You don't have to do everything on your own.

I hope you get what you need

Oh and also to say again, if going to counselling doesn't feel right for you just now, please do some reading around trauma, neglect, and particularly the freeze response to these. You may find something which resonates.