To have no faith in people anymore.

[qvcstyle]

Hello.

Long time lurker and new member.

Just that really. I have realised that I have absolutely no faith in people anymore. My expectations are zero.

I am 37, currently single, no kids, live on my own in a small flat that I bought a few years ago. I have a relatively ok job, I like the work, it pays well and is secure.

A new team member started five weeks ago. She was supposed to be my "partner", work directly along side me, share my work load, swap ideas, that sort of thing. I have been working on my own for years now, doing two peoples work. My boss is aware and really fought senior management to get this extra help authorised.

Well today I get in to work and my boss announced that the new girl is now off on sick leave, stress related and it will be for at least the next month. So I am now back to square one. Just me again, on my own, as usual. I realised after he had told me, that I just don't care anymore. I'm not depressed or anything, just had a reality check.

I have NEVER known anybody who has stayed with me. I was bullied relentlessly in school. No issues about this, I was an "ugly duckling" so to speak, and if it wasn't me, it would have been some other kid. I like to think I have improved over the years! Consequently, I have friends from my school days. My parents divorced when I was twelve, haven't seen my father since and speak to my mother a few times a year on the phone (we live extreme opposite ends of the country now). Our relationship just fell apart while I was in high school and when I moved to London at 21 she asked me to not call her anymore (not sure why, guess she just wasn't maternal).

Every romantic relationship I have ever had has ended. I can't look back over the years and identify anybody who "stayed" who was there for me. I have a few acquaintences who I say hellow to and the occasional one night stand, OLD!.

Does anybody else feel like this? I am honestly not depressed or suffering any kind of unresolved trauma from childhood. I just look around at the people in the world and think

"No point getting too involved, everybody leaves eventually"

Sorry, that was a bit long!

Oh and just to say, if going to counselling doesn't feel right for you just now, please do some reading around trauma, neglect, and particularly the freeze response to trauma. You may find something that resonates.

Oops double post. I must say, qvc, that your posts have really stayed with me. I think it is horrible that everyone who should have protected you, left you to fend for yourself.

You deserved better, the fact that you have done so well without them is admirable. But you should have had better. And I hope you find better.

Firstly OP I'd just like to say how incredibly brave you are. Like a PP has said, to go through what you went through and dust yourself off and carry on shows true resilience. For that you should be very proud of yourself.
Please do not totally brush off the idea of counselling. You may be surprised at how helpful it could be. Don't look at it like you are paying someone to listen to you because you have no one else who will. Lots of people who are surrounded by loved ones still pay for therapy because they need professional opinions and help. Loved ones and friends want to fix you immediately or give you their (sometimes very poor opinions) but a professional will not do that. You can be open and honest (this may take time of course) without the worry that you will be judged or ridiculed and you can dump your worries and thoughts in that room knowing it will never go any further.

I'd like to say join some clubs and meet people but I think you would really benefit from learning some more about yourself first, that way friendships may come easier to you.

I wish you lots of luck. Thank you for sharing, I hope you are feeling a little more uplifted x

Unfortunately the trauma you've experienced is self-perpetuating - because you were fundamentally neglected by your parents, you then became a target for bullies and other people who treated you badly and it all carried on until you (totally understandably) came to the conclusion that no one can be trusted. That's not true - there are good, kind and decent people in the world who would love to be your friend or partner but it's very very hard to find those people when you're hurting so much and when you don't know how to identify them.

Seeking counselling isn't any more pathetic than going to a physio when you have a bad shoulder - yes a partner may give you a good massage but a professional will always do a better job and you're far better off seeking someone who can really help than just trying to manage on your own.

There's still time to climb out of the hole other people dug for you. You obviously want to or you wouldn't post here. So you've taken the first step. Unfortunately there are many many more but where you'll get to is definitely worth it, if you're willing to try.

Thanks for all the replies. Sorry been at work today. I will consider counselling. Just feeling a bit peeved off thats all.

QVC
Just want to say that I think youre great
Yes life has dealt you a series of blows - but sounds like you get up each time and carry on
I’m sorry you feel the way you do There are good reliable people out there - people who would want to be your friend
I agree with the therapy suggestion - the therapist isn’t emotionally connected to you like a friend would be So it’s maybe easier to say how you really feel

Btw. it’s not too late to get friends Good decent friends

I think you sound great too! Most people would not be as level-headed as you having dealt with the shit that you did at school, and their DM being a bitch. I'd feel more than peeved off in your situation.

I don't have a lot of friends from school days - some I might see occasionally but only one I am close to in any way. Since moving I've had to make a much bigger effort to make friends but I've found it easier to do that in London (you're still in London I assume?) than anywhere else.